Forgotten
what did you learn
what did you pick up
from the people youve talked to
from whatever youve seen
who did you talk to
and what did they say
what little things were forgotten
along the way
-fly away my friend
-fly fly fly away
-things are not safe here
-they’ve gone astray
-you’ll make it home
-i know you’ll
-find your way
-ill be right here with you
-until you’re okay
forgotten faces
are all that you see now
pay no attention
they’ll drag you down
-don't fly away my friend
-please dont fly away
-you are not safe there
-i wish youd listen to me
-you’ll make it home
-i know you’ll
-find your way
-ill be right here with you
-everything is okay
asleep beside me
ill stay awake
keep you at arms reach
ill keep you safe
-fly away my friend
-fly fly fly away
-stay right beside me
-ill meet you there someday
Comments
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Structure is good, I can certainly imagine it being set to music.
You've got a vibe going. I don't entirely understand the lyric, but I still feel drawn in by it.
I like "I'll meet you there someday" at the end, that feels like a good conclusion. I didn't understand the switch from "fly away" to "don't fly away" halfway, but it's a nice variation.
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Hi,
Welcome back, good to see you took on board RDM's comments on your last submission.
Good progress on the structure and mechanics of the song, well done.
RDM within his comments, mentioned twice he didn't understand parts or relationships.
Now, first off, there's no prerequisite to write anything here that demands it be understood by the reader.
But generally, it's a good idea if your looking for comments/feedback to present a song that doesn't require too much deciphering of the lyrics.
Hope this feedback helps polish your piece, there's a lot of good stuff in there, just needs reshaping a bit.
Look forward to your next one.
Thank you,
Sid
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