Virgil
Virgil
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bid sol “adieu” as i enter hell
and as i step inside i see a well
thats when i push a man and say he fell
another notch for the devil’s belt
- Fell down a hole
- From heaven above
- fed on control
- but i abandoned all love
i find myself six circles down
now heresy and tombs surround
the boy i pushed now seems unwell
his faces gaunt and eyes have swelled
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“for the countless sins you will commit
i brand you now a heretic”
he looked inside and took my soul
“you blame all others for your mortal role”
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as i take this in I’m forced to lay
inside a tomb engulfed in flames
I’ve nothing left and less to say
that little shit sent me to my grave
- Fell down a hole
- From heaven above
- fed on control
- but i revoked his love
that thing i pushed, satan himself?
or was it me? i cannot tell
i pray to god, nine times strong
to see me through this endless fog
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“hell no” says he as he casts me down
further below the infernal ground
i see myself in a frozen lake
dissidence, eternal hate
betrayer of the high estate
here is where my soul is laid
to forever endure eternal torture
and be eaten by a three headed monster
- Im down a low
- theres now way up
- ive lost control
- and ive lost my touch
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Comments
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I quite like this overall. Some of the poetic nature of the original bleeds through and seems to suit it. Lines like: "now heresy and tombs surround" feel good to me.
I like the short, clipped lines in the chorus, and the variations as it progresses.
Feels like a dark rock kind of song.
A few small things.
- bid sol “adieu” -wasn't sure if this was sol as in sun, or a typo for "soul". I think people will hear it as 'soul' whichever way.
- "that little shit" this feels wrong in the context of the poetic nature of the rest of the song.
- "Hell no" doesn't feel like something God would say, if I read that right. Though maybe you want it to feel incorrect for contrast.
- "and as i step inside i see a well" feels like "well" is there just to rhyme with hell
- "his faces gaunt" did you mean "his face is gaunt", or are you meaning he has multiple faces?
In terms of the overall structure, you might consider only having 2 verses (rather than 3) before returning to the chorus. That would give you another 2 together after that, before moving to the bridge and finishing on the chorus. Your chorus is good, so you want to get back to it regularly.
But the song overall is worthwhile.
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Echo RDM's comments, he know's what he's talking about so well worth listening and please resubmit so we can share the final product.
Sid
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Thank you both for your replies, it means a lot. ill readjust the lyrics per your advice, and ill upload the next draft when i'm happy with it. Thanks again.0
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