All One Enchantress Knows (demo)

Greetings everyone! As I mentioned in the previous forum, I'm writing a fictional horror novel about a beautiful enchantress, Omega, and her two lovely apprentices, Hedra and Autumn. I'm also writing a soundtrack for the book. I have six songs so far, some of which were reviewed in the old forum. The latest song for the book is entitled "All One Enchantress Knows". The song is about the beautiful enchantress, Omega, although her name is not mentioned in the song.

If anyone has any suggestions regarding the lyrics, please feel free to make recommendations. Thanks! I intend to finish a new demo over the next couple of weeks and then have a new video made for my YouTube channel. I've posted a link to a very rough early mix below to provide a sense of the meter of the lyrics. The most recent lyrics are written below, and supercede those recorded during the writing process. I'll record new vocals on my pro-mic once the lyrics and backing track are finalized soon.

https://app.box.com/s/hgpcde5ot6pqdiz7j5g200noadlx36m1

All One Enchantress Knows
Words and Music: Joseph Spain
Produced by: Joseph Spain
© 2023 Joseph Spain

--Verse 1
She's made of myth and legend
And her senses are sharp
as the edge of the hunter's knife
She lies in wait in the mind
of her prey she stalks tonight

--Pre-chorus 1
There's no escape from her spell
She walks in beauty in the night
She hunts her enemies to make them know
What they don't wanna know
And they'll never hear her footsteps
fall inside their minds

--Chorus
Your secrets left unguarded
are known to her enchanting eyes
She'll hurt you in your dreams
when night time falls
and there's no place to hide
She'll reach you where you're sleepin'
She'll corner you inside your mind
Her power settle scores
Her wrath will show
All one enchantress knows
She'll take your breath and more
with her darkest thoughts and curse

--Verse 2
She's made of dark and night
And her heart is as cold
as a tomb in a frozen sea
She reads their thoughts from the dark
in the minds of her enemies

--Pre-chorus 2
There's no reprieve from her hell
She walks in beauty in the night
She'll find you where you sleep
and then you'll know
what you're afraid to know
And you'll never hear her footsteps
come for you tonight

--Bridge
She incants her hex and spells
Ignites your life with fire in your mind
Burns you alive
She'll take your life in your nightmare
They're no secrets that your mind can hide
You're out of time


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Comments

  • Andrea
    edited January 2023

    Wow Joseph, this is really great. I love the theme and the music and melody are excellent.

    The idea that this enchantress is powerful, and evil comes through loud and clear. Plenty of imagery for me to picture what is happening as I listen.

    The lyrics are great. The word 'mind' is used at least 6 times. I would suggest replacing the word with other synonyms. (head, spirit, reason, wits, musing, soul, reflection...

    In the chorus, some lines feel out of place or redundant. I would also love to hear a rhyme scheme that makes the chorus easy to remember.

    "Your secrets left unguarded
    are known to her enchanting eyes
    She'll hurt you in your dreams
    when night time falls
    
    ->>I would consider swapping L1 and L2 with L3 and L4. 
    
    
    and there's no place to hide
    She'll reach you where you're sleepin'
    She'll corner you inside your mind ->> these 3 lines sound redundant.
    
    
    Her power settle scores
    Her wrath will show
    All one enchantress knows
    She'll take your breath and more
    with her darkest thoughts and curse ->> I wish this line contained either a rhyme or a hook. 
    

    Just some thoughts from my personal view to use or lose. I really like it. I can't wait to hear the final rendition!

  • Hey There Icy.............I see you have a "Steven King" kinda thing going. Very ambitious......very cool.... I love it. The only suggestion I have, and I am as amateurish as they come, would be to "show" us how evil she is rather than "telling" us. There seems to be a lot of "she's this...or she's that...or she'll do this, or that. I want to see the effects of her evil, as well.

    Good luck............it sounds like you are having a lot of fun.

  • @Andrea Many thanks for reading my lyrics, listening to my early demo clip, and your always-valuable suggestions!!! You posted some great advice, and I may make some changes along those lines! Thank you! 😃

    @IronKnee Thanks a lot for your excellent ideas! I can't disagree with you...it's just challenging to fit it all into a song. The book will detail everything. I hope I can convey enough for my videographer to make a good video for the song that reflects the theme. 😀

  • Oh yeah, I had a thought on this line:

    "And they'll never hear her footsteps
    fall inside their minds"
    
    Since you use the word 'fall' in the chorus. Maybe 'Creep inside their minds'?
    


  • Good vibe to it. Strong rhythms. I particularly like lines like:

    And her senses are sharp
    as the edge of the hunter's knife
    

    really vivid imagery there!

    I'd love to hear the pre-chorus wind up into the chorus. At the moment it feels a little clipped or squeezed in there. You might even drop the last two lines of the pre-chorus as "What they don't wanna know" kind of already does that.

    But I like where you are going with it!

  • icystorm
    edited January 2023

    @Andrea Thank you! Another great suggestion that I will consider using. 😀

    @RainyDayMan "I'd love to hear the pre-chorus wind up into the chorus." I agree and I know just what you mean. I also considered the transistion from the end of the pre-chorus to the chorus lackluster and needing a punch. I have an idea for that! 😀

  • I like this track. A good vocal and great lyrics. I agree with some of the suggestions that have already been made and I can't really add anything else. Instrumentally I like the keys in particular. I enjoyed listening.😀

  • icystorm
    edited January 2023

    @ChrisPrice Many thanks for listening, reading my lyrics, and your comments, Chris! 😀

  • Hey there icy............has a great dance floor sound. A great vibe and beat gets the foot tapping.

  • icystorm
    edited January 2023

    @IronKnee Thanks, Tom! I appreciate you listening and your comments! 😀

  • Love the retro vibe. An invigoratingly cool, overall sound. Nice production.

    Would love to hear the final track someday, but that's a great start. I dig it!

  • icystorm
    edited January 2023

    @samiamiamsam Many thanks for commenting and your kind words. I will definitely finish the track soon and send it off to my videographer for a supporting video. I look forward to hearing your next track! 😀

  • i think this will work really well for your purpose and is also very enjoyable as a standalone song. The vocal reminded me a bit of Al Stewart in places, though obviously not the music so much. :)

    My one criticism is that the verse seemed to rush into the pre chorus. It felt like it needed a bar or two to breathe and create tension before the pre chorus started. The same might be said of the pre chorus to chorus transition, although I didn't feel it as much there.

  • Thank you for listening, your kind words, and your constructive suggestions, Gavin. Much appreciated! 😃

  • MoraAmaroLaLoba
    MoraAmaroLaLoba Madrid (Spain)

    Hola @icystorm

    I listened to yuor song and liked it!!! I do not can help you with lyrics, my English is not good!!! But the story looks fantastic. 

    Good luck!!

  • Many thanks for listening and your kind words, Mora! I've been busy with work for a while, but I finally finished a full demo, and a new video is in the works. Question for a moderator: Can you please change the title of this thread to:

    All One Enchantress Knows (demo)

    I endeavored to incorporate some of the great suggestions Andrea and Owen made early on during the writing process. Comments on the full demo are welcome, but if you prefer to wait a week or so, I'll post the video. I'm interested to see what my videographer comes up with for the 'dark enchantress' theme! 😃

    https://www.soundclick.com/music/songInfo.cfm?songID=14552258

    All One Enchantress Knows
    Words and Music: Joseph Spain
    Produced by: Joseph Spain
    © 2023 Joseph Spain
    
    --Verse 1
    She's made of myth and legend
    And her senses are sharp
    as the edge of the hunter's knife
    She lies in wait in the minds
    of her prey she stalks tonight
    
    --Pre-chorus 1
    There's no escape from her spell
    She walks in beauty in the night
    She hunts her enemies to make them know
    What they don't wanna know
    And they'll never hear her footsteps
    fall inside their lives
    
    --Chorus
    Their secrets left unguarded
    are known to her enchanting eyes
    She'll hurt them in their dreams
    when night time falls
    and there's no place to hide
    She'll reach them where they're sleepin'
    She'll corner them when there's no light
    Her power settles scores
    Her wrath will show
    All one enchantress knows
    
    --Release
    She'll take their breath and more
    with her darkess curse on Earth
    
    --Verse 2
    She's made of dark and night
    And her heart is as cold
    as a tomb in a frozen sea
    She reads their thoughts from the dark
    in the minds of her enemies
    
    --Pre-chorus 2
    There's no reprieve from her hell
    She walks in beauty in the night
    She'll find them where they sleep
    and then they'll know
    what they're afraid to know
    And they'll never hear her footsteps
    come for them tonight
    
    --Bridge
    She incants her hex and spells
    Ignites their lives with fire in their minds
    Burns them alive
    And she inflicts their worst nightmare
    Death by fears the sorceress designs
    They're out of time
    


  • Very good! Looking forward to the video too, the lyric is so vivid it should make a great video.

  • Thanks, Owen! My new video is finished and linked to below. The video from the videographer I use doesn't really capture thee ssence of the enchantress I'm writing about, but it's inexpensive and just for fun. To differentiate the chorus more, I added a clasp of thunder as the chorus engages. I hope the thunder isn't overkill. 🤣

    https://youtu.be/sIorUs9tBv8

  • Well that certainly adds some visual interest. It looks pretty good, though it's a shame it isn't more tightly coupled to the lyric. And having a video is definitely a benefit.

    I didn't find the thunder overpowering at all.

  • Thanks for checking out my new video and your comments, Owen. I'm looking forward to hearing your next track. 😀

  • Hi Icy,

    This is great! I love the tightness of it, if that makes sense. It's clean and punchy and everything fits so well. It reminds me a little of the song Maniac from the movie Flashdance. If you want to stress certain aspects of this character's personality, maybe there's a way of doing that timing wise since there's a certain evenness to it all. Your project sounds interesting and I'm looking forward to hearing more.

    You're really talented!

    Cheers,

    Pauline

  • Thank you for listening and your very kind words! I look forward to hearing your next track soon. 😀

  • Johnb68
    Johnb68 Reading PA

    I really enjoy this. Very tight arrangement and production. I listened to the full demo after listening to the partial. The full seems much more tighter so it appears that you've put quite a bit of effort into this. Kinda reminds me a bit of Elton John on steroids.

    😀John B

  • @Johnb68 Thanks for listening and your kind words! 😃

  • Hi @icystorm

    Having listened to all three versions in this thread it’s interesting seeing you incorporate little ideas that help build the piece. It’s also clear how the original demo got so much right from the off. A really cool song driven by the rhythm section and coloured with guitar and vocal.
    Good luck with the rest of your project.
    CCB
  • Many thanks for listening and your very kind words, CCB! 😃

  • I like it! like others have said: tight, punchy, energetic. Kinda got a barry gibb sound (in a good way)

    I was expecting it to go off in another direction after the "they don't want to know" lyric, which created tension, so would be nice if it paid off later. I guess this is part of a larger musical theme so maybe it does when taken in the larger context.


    also, might want to de-ess or at least tame the reverb in that frequency...could be my speakers though.


    overall, well done! looking forward to hearing more!

  • Many thanks for listening and your comments! Much appreciated! 😀

  • Hi @icystorm ,

    Beautiful beat, and love the vocals.

    The lyrics are well improved, and tells the story.

    Great work on the book!!!

  • Many thanks, my friend! I look forward to hearing the next song from you and Clarissa. You have a wonderful, artistic dynamic working together! 😀

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