Don't Cry For Me (Lyrics right now)
I've had this one setting around for a while thought it might be time to do something with it.
Any suggestions would be welcome.
Don't Cry For Me
Baby everything's gonna be alright
I'm not going anywhere without a fight
Think of all the good times we've had
There was way more good than bad
Remember back when we first met
Our love was placed on a silly bet
Never loved anyone more than you
Side by side our hearts beat true
Baby, you never gave up on me
No matter how hard things got to be
And now we're living on borrowed time
With this illness weighing on our minds
Don't cry for me
Tear's don't need to be fallin'
I hear angel's a callin'
Please don't cry for me
As long as our love stays strong
I'll never really be gone
Don't cry for me
Please don't cry for me
She grabs his hand as she cries
Honey, please don't close your eyes
The Doctor say's, "It's time to go."
"There's nothing more to do but grieve."
She drops to the floor on her knees
And in his hand she finds a note that reads
Don't cry for me
Tear's don't need to be fallin'
I hear angel's a callin'
Please don't cry for me
As long as our love stays strong
I'll never really be gone
Don't cry for me
Please don't cry for me
Girl, just pray for me tonight
With time everything will be alright
No matter what you're going through
You know I'll keep on loving you
Don't cry for me
Tear's don't need to fall
Angel's have made their call
Please don't cry for me
As long as our love stays strong
I'll never really be gone
Don't cry for me
Please don't cry for me
Baby everything's gonna be alright
Comments
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You're switching pro nouns here.. She grabs his hand as she cries
But I think it still works
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Overall I think this is a good piece. Lots of emotion and that's the main thing. The chorus seems very solid, I particularly like that.
There's a few things I'll point to, but I don't think any of them are deal breakers. Just points to ponder.
Like Elvis, the switch in perspective from him narrating to a third party perspective came as a bit of a jolt. And the reason for that change is obvious, he can't narrate any more. And maybe that jolt is even a feature rather than a problem. An alternative, if you wanted one, could be to make this a duet with him singing the first two verses, and her singing the third verse and maybe even the Bridge and rewrite those parts from her perspective. Maybe even have her sing the second chorus (re-interpreting the meaning of those words) before they both sing the final chorus.
In V1 this line "Our love was placed on a silly bet" didn't work for me. Partly because it isn't explained, and partly because it seems to diminish the value of their love. I'm guessing it's meant to be playful and affectionate, and it could be just my reaction, and others find it just that.
I think you could possibly start at V2. It seems to take us to the heart of the story. V1 seems to establish their love for each other, but I think that comes through loud and clear anyway. If you did start at V2 and wanted 2 verses before the chorus, then the question becomes what should go there to develop the story further? The only thing I'm seeing right now would be to layout the illness and highlight that its terminal - time is short, that kind of thing. But you may not want to focus on that aspect, and again, may not be necessary, we get the idea that the illness is terminal from what you have already.
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its a pretty easy fix
Baby take my hand please don't cry , You can fix the rest to stay in talking to her , its kinda a no no on switching tenses
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What about I change the 3rd verse to something like this:
She grabs my hand as she cries
Honey, please don't close your eyes
The Doctor says, "It's time to leave."
"There's nothing more to do than grieve."
She drops to the floor on her knees
And in my hand she finds a note that reads
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Thanks Elvis and Owen.............. I'm a country boy that writes kinda like he talks😛 English was the only foreign language I took in school. Funny think my daughter an English teacher she read through this and never said a word to me😕 as for the silly bet line when I was working on this a few years back it just popped in my head and I couldn't resist writing it down. Don't know if what I've wrote as a suggestion for the 3rd verse will fix the problem.
Thanks again guys
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I think that could work as a verse, if you start out opening with the silly bet pairing - maybe like this -
Remember back when we first met
Our love was placed on a silly bet
Think of all the good times we've had
There was way more good than bad
Not going anywhere without a fight
Baby everything's gonna be alright
my thoughts,
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Yep, that version of V3 will work just fine.
I think the perspective switch is more of a songwriting issue than an English issue, maybe that's why your daughter didn't pick up on it.
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