Something found by the Sea
{verse 1]
In other words you did lie to my face
cut me so deeply that time can't erase
why did that you say that you loved me at all
I sit at home and just stare at the wall
[verse 2]
I walked out on you before you could too
part of my pride though it made me so blue
as I put my life In the back of my trunk
love was a test then I think I just flunked
[chorus]
and through the smoky veil of tears
my eyes reflect the wasted years
would it be wrong
loved you so long
If I could lose you with a song
[verse 3]
left you a door and you left me a key
my twisted vision of how it could be
could you not leave it in silence abound
the house is so quiet there's no kind of sound
[verse 4]
now as I sit with my heart in your hands
mind churning back to that day on the sands
you're being nice to me, that's what you said
that's when i knew that our love was quite dead
Comments
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Line 1 "In other words you did lie to my face" makes me feel like I'm coming in, in the middle of an argument. Gives it a feeling of energy and dynamism straight away. Not as keen on "you did lie", I think "you lied" would feel more conversational, but that's your choice. There's a couple of similar spots like "leave it in silence abound" that also don't feel very natural.
Your title is intriguing as it's not really reflective of the song, beyond the 'day on the sands" towards the very end. If your aim was a commercial song, I'd suggest a much stronger link to the lyric to help people remember it. If it's more of a personal song then all bets are off, and an enigmatic, mysterious title is just fine! I guess it could also be "Something Lost by the Sea"
"I walked out on you before you could too" I like that line. It feels very human and real.
With your rhyming I'd prefer an A,B,A,B scheme than the A,A,B,B you have here, and for the most part I think you could literally just reorder the lines you already have and it would work just fine. But that's a personal preference and if you ask 3 people you'll probably get 3 different answers!
You've indicated a chorus, but I didn't see any indication you are repeating it. Are you using it again after v3 or v4 or is it a one off as shown here?
I like how you finish on "that's when i knew that our love was quite dead". It's form meeting function: the end of the love affair and the end of the song together. Quite the full stop.
Good stuff Phil!
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Nice song Phil, and welcome to the forum.
I would echo most of what RDM said with the addition that, don't get too hung up on the need to always rhyme, I would recommend using AABB in small doses like chorus, bridge or outro even rather than the verses.
I enjoyed the song very much, strong phrases employed well:
particularly like, "now as I sit with my heart in your hands".
Great debut song, hope you've got more to offer and enjoy.
Thanks for posting,
Sid
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Thank you for your kind words and constructive advice. It's really the first time I have heard what other people think of my work.
This is from my own experience and it is only in later years I felt confident to share these raw emotions with other people. I like to mix my own life with stuff that I have never experienced - like a trip through the Galaxy!😉
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Thank you for your kind words.
At the moment I find it easier to have some kind of rhyme scheme using mostly AABB or ABAB but am also trying out other ways.
Thanks
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To me your not moving story along . We already know you're both doomed by v2 . Most hits are VCVCBC or VCVCVC. Your ending on verses . Good start
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Howdy, Stranger!