Hell On His Heart
Something I'm working on
https://suno.com/s/RXlntdEB0WjAdvKl
Hell On His Heart
He watched his whole world come undone
As she turned and started her run
With a tear slowly falling from his eye
He whispered softly, one last goodbye
It was hell on his heart
Watching his whole world fall apart
It was hell on his heart
Burning him down, to nothing but scars
Leaving him longing for who they were
Laying awake, staren' up at the ceiling
Tracing the ache, trying to name what he's feeling
Filling his mind with words left unsaid
Leaving empty space where her voice used to live
It was hell on his heart
Knowing his whole world had fallen apart
It was hell on his heart
Burning him down, to nothing but scars
Leaving him longing for who they were
Almost thirty years later
Standing alone in a hospital elevator
After asking how much time he has left
Her memory hits him deep in his chest
And It's hell on his heart
Knowing his life's coming apart
It's hell on his heart
Burning him down, to nothing but scars
Leaving him longing for who they were
He prays for the pain to finally fade
Feels in his bones this might be his last day
And he wonders, if somehow she knew
Would she come running---like she used to
Would it be hell on her heart
Knowing he's ready to depart
Would it be hell on her heart
Burning her down, to nothing but scars
Leaving her longing for who they were
He watched his whole world come undone
As she turned and started her run
Comments
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Morning Tex , last moments and 30 years later , probably man
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Hey, it’s a good song, but I’m not sure that ‘started her run’ fully catches the vibe you’re going for. Maybe something like ‘started to run’ or ‘turned and she was gone’ would land a bit clearer.
Every morning I used to tell my late wife that I was going to start my run—but I always came back. Is that what you mean here? That she went out for her morning run and never came back. Just trying to make sure I’m reading it right.”
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Thanks Elvis... sometimes you never forget..
Thanks Bill.... I started that line as (As she turns to make her run)wasn't sure about it. Then tried (As she turned and started to run) but wasn't sure about that either. Thinking about (as she turned and started to make her run) Yes she leaves him.
I'm sure with your wife it was an inside joke, don't figure you ever had intent to rund oft 😉
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started to run, sounds the best, in my opinion. it's short and keeps the cadence
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Sad song. i feel bad for that guy.
verse 2 is strong with the inner rhymes. i like how you turned the tables on the last chorus.
great song. well done. i want to listen to it more but its too sad for me 😓
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Thanks Muskie,
I can't say that this one is finished yet...
Don't know why but I seem to like sad songs...
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Yeah, I think the "As she turned and started her run" line needs to change. My first thought was "is she skiing"? though clearly she wasn't!
Maybe: As she walked out then started to run? Just a thought.
But the emotional tone and impact are all there.
And the physical and emotional strains on his heart work well together.
Not sure she's coming back though! Just wishful thinking for him.
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Thanks Owen.... for the listen and comment..
I've replaced that run line with (As she turned away and broke into a run)
also added (Quiet tear slowly slipping) The last line of chorus #1 went to (Left him longing for who they were---in the dark)
last line of 2nd verse went to (An empty space where her voice echoed in his head)
went to (Nearly thirty long years later) added cold hospital elevator....hard in his chest....
Changer knowing his life's coming apart to Knowing his life's starting to fall apart
last line of chorus #3 Still he's longing and last chorus Would she be longing.....
See if this is better: https://suno.com/s/1aFKELyth2NT1Uov
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Much tighter, in my opinion anyway! I really get that opening scene now and it just sets up the whole song.
Good rewrite!
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