Heaven
https://soundcloud.com/sidsshovel/heaven?si=e54be9322d8a4d6386e689589c7fcd10&utm_source=clipboard&utm_medium=text&utm_campaign=social_sharing (right click then open link in new tab,) to open song. lyrics SS : music/vocals Ai
[verse 1]
Hush now, try to get some sleep,
a tear, fell from her eye.
Fell upon his naked arm,
he didn't brush it away.
[verse 2]
Mom, what's it like in heaven,
the boy struggled, with the words.
A lump, formed in her throat,
she pretended, she hadn't heard.
[chorus]
Heaven, is a beautiful place,
where, only the nicest people go.
Rivers flow, an' flowers grow,
mountains topped with snow.
[verse 3]
She couldn't look into his eyes,
if these were the last words,
that she said to him, not lies.
She held his hand and sighed.
[chorus]
Heaven, is a beautiful place,
where, only the nicest people go.
Rivers flow, an' flowers grow,
mountains topped with snow.
[verse 4]
You're lucky you got a spot,
only a few are allowed in.
Six years isn't long enough,
to have committed any sins.
[chorus]
Heaven, is a beautiful place,
where, only the nicest people go.
Rivers flow, an' flowers grow,
mountains topped with snow.
[bridge]
Mom, why can't you come with me,
I'm scared to go on my own.
Don't worry son, I'll be there soon,
I'm sure, there's plenty of room.
[final chorus]
Heaven, is a beautiful place,
where, only the nicest people go.
Rivers flow, an' flowers grow,
mountains topped with snow.
[outro]
I'll save you a place next to me,
he said, as if to reassure me.
I felt his hand clench mine,
closed his eyes for the last time.
Comments
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You have chosen just about the most depressing subject possible! Not even the most enthusiastic of country tear jerkers venture into this territory very often, if at all. This has a Victorian sentimentality to it.
It's well done and the lyric is effective in what it sets out to achieve.
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I like how you do the outro , instead of a chorus . Country writers go there once in while on heaven songs on going to heaven , not using a kid to much that I know of
Good job SID
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This was one of the hardest stories I have written. A taboo subject to be sure but nevertheless real. It happens and people are affected by this and similar ordeals. The story is based on actual circumstances and though difficult, I have tried to do it justice with compassion and understanding.
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@sidshovel - again between you and Elvis, Good morning! oh, here are two songs to sap the energy out of your day :) good flow to the lyrics. I agree with elvis about the kid part. that's thinking outside the box and making this your own .
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@sidshovel - of course it does, because in order to write with emotion, you have to feel it. that's how I felt after writing most of the personal stuff. especially the chamber, I had to put myself back on that night.. that's what makes your song powerful.
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That really is a tough subject to write on! You've done it very well, very sensitive.
I can't help feeling this line should be the start of the chorus: "Mom, what's it like in heaven?"
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@RainyDayMan, Hear what you're saying, but making the first line a question, I lose a line, too valuable in the chorus.
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But that's where the best lines should be!
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@RainyDayMan, musical question, would it work with a 5 line chorus, I don't want to lose a descriptive line.
Mom, what's it like in heaven?
Heaven, is a beautiful place,
where, only the nicest people go.
Rivers flow, an' flowers grow,
mountains topped with snow.
The follow on to the first line is much too difficult to accomodate, any ideas?
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Well, I think the lyric is fine as you've written it. Depends on what Suno does with the melody. 5 line patterns are uneven so potentially problematic, but it's pretty good these days.
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I'm curious, I'll run it through Ai and see how it pans out
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Ran it through Ai, all things equal except the additional line in the chorus.
Ai freaked out, introducing lots of artefacts and missing out whole lines.
Again, all things equal, removed additional line worked perfectly.
Ai doesn't like you messing with standard structures nor, I suspect same words used concurrently, Heaven-heaven.
Worth noting to avoid lines such as, Willy Wonka works on Wednesdays, sends Ai into a fit too!
Good exercise.
Sid
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@sidshovel - have you tried willie wonka works with willie and see how that sounds 😂
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I don't know, willie or won't he🤖🤖🤖
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Isn't that interesting? You just can't tell what's going to jimmy up the works.
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Kids at St Judes die from cancer everyday , Where's this invisibleman in the sky ? I guess on vacation . Yes their tiring , But muse goes where it goes Sid
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@OnlyGavin, @bhengen, @RainyDayMan,@ElvisNash
Thank you for your comments and assistance, not an easy listen or to comment on, I realise that and appreciate it more.
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