Loving Her is Terminal
This is the next song for my book. It's a fast-paced, uptempo song of the 80s genre. I have the chords and melody worked out, but I'm only posting the lyrics now, which are still open to change. I usually receive a helpful hint or three here to improve the lyrics, so your comments are welcome! Thanks! After I finalize the lyrics, I'll make a demo and have a video made. 😀
Loving Her is Terminal Words and Music: Joseph Spain Produced by: Joseph Spain © 2023 Joseph Spain --Verse 1 In the space of a breath She will strike with her fangs Inject her venomous charm into your veins She's a princess of the night where darkness reigns --Verse 2 She causes trauma with a thought An abberation nature wrought No fire in hell creates a wake like hers It's wise to leave her undisturbed --Pre-Chorus 1 When your clock ticks down to nothing You'd better pray for the sun Before she zeros in and you're done --Chorus Your heart can't beat it's gone flatline Your fate is sealed by her design Your case is critical Loving her is terminal And the night you thought You fell in love with her Marked the end of your time on Earth Her charm's invincible Loving her is terminal and you'll die Yes you'll die --Verse 3 In the wink of an eye She claims all that she sees She'll play you and lead your heart into pain She's the princess of your life where darkness reigns --Pre-Chorus 2 When your clock ticks down to nothing You'd better pray for the sun Because she'll zero in till you're done --Bridge Your world is lost and desolate Her spell is far too chemical The truth is she's invisible Except inside your mind
Comments
-
Looking good so far! Love the monstrous, underworld vibe of it.
Only thing I'd suggest is that "It's wise" felt a little weaker. Maybe: Should have left her undisturbed?
But it reads smooth to me, and definitely has a mood going!
Good stuff.
0 -
Great lyrics, looking forward to hearing it.
0 -
Hi @icystorm
No recommendations here. I just look forward to hearing where you take this, especially after the effectiveness of your last piece.
*Leslie Nielsen voice*
Good luck, we're all counting on you.
CCB
0 -
@RainyDayMan Thank you for your kind words, and for your great suggestion, Owen! I like it, and may use it! 😀 Also, Owen, I meant to ask if there is a way to make these threads post in reverse chronological order where the latest post is at the top, and the original post is at the bottom? Just a thought...and not sure if it's a good one or not. 🤷♂️ It just seems that if someone wants to explore lyrics first before creating a demo, and then posts a demo later, and finally posts a music video even later, some folks may not want to scroll all the way down to the latest stuff if the thread becomes long. That sort of makes me want to just wait and post once when the music video (or song) is finished.
@Songbird52 Thanks a lot, Polly! I hope to post my demo soon. 😀
@CorkingCrackBand Thanks, man! That Leslie Nielson quip cracked me up! 🤣 Great movie and funny scene! It also made me remember the James Bond scene where Roger Moore as 007 replied to the woman who encountered Jaws for the first time and asked James about him. James replied, "His name is Jaws. He kills people." LOL! My latest song is about not falling in love with one of the most beautiful enchantresses in the story, Hedra. Think... "Her name is Hedra. She kills people... with dark thoughts alone." LOL! 🤣
0 -
I'm afraid not, Joseph. I have a selection of pre-defined templates I can choose from, and that isn't an option on any of them. I understand what you mean though.
0 -
Man thats about right , very cool hook , Good job
0 -
Hi Joseph,
I really like the lyrics. I tried to find something to pick on but couldn't. It's a bit mysterious on its own, but I know how it fits in the story. I can't wait to hear the song.
I', thinking you could make a new post for the song. You could attach a note on the title ('Now a song' or something). In your liner notes you could include the link to the lyrics thread.
1 -
Hola @icystorm
Wow!! Love lyrics!! So full of images, sensations..., this line is sooo great
When your clock ticks down to nothing
Waiting for hearing it!!
1 -
Many thanks, Mora! I hope to have a demo ready soon! I also look forward to hearing your next song! Cheers! 😀
1 -
So far so good........................I need to hear it with it set to melody.
0 -
Hi Joseph,
Thanks for asking about me. I have been working on lots of lyrics during FAWM. You have persuaded me to post one of my collaborations for review.
During FAWM so much happens. It is so much fun to have my lyrics turned into song and I have a met several people that I have had the fortune to collaborate with. I have a few songs that my collaborators and I will continue to work on for full production. The one I posted is one that we hope to work on more at some point.
I hope to hear your lyrics with music soon. I really love this one!
1 -
Thanks, Andrea! I'm glad you ;posted your latest lyrics and related about your FAWM experiences! I've been swamped with work, but I'm eager to make a full demo and new video soon. Best to you! 😀
1 -
Greetings all! Lately I've been quite busy with work, but I worked on this one a bit today and made a rough pre-demo.
The lyrics are still in flux, and I've changed them a bit more. I ordered a new keyboard and will improve the crappy instrumental section on the demo and record new vocals with the updated lyrics and add harmonies to the chorus when I get back around to working on it. I dumped the line "if she zeroes in" part because it sounded a little cheesy. LOL! I squashed the bridge too. It didn't really fit and made the song too long. When I eventually finish this one, I'll add some ad-libs during the outro and a proper fade out.
https://app.box.com/s/95a5yatrme94p3gx3szd2abnzvpxepih
The newest lyrics are below, and some differ a bit from my pre-demo. Still very much in progress and as time permits! Working on my book too, here and there. Peace! 😀
Loving Her is Terminal Words and Music: Joseph Spain Produced by: Joseph Spain © 2023 Joseph Spain --Verse 1 In less than a breath She'll strike with her fangs Pour her venom and harm into your veins The princess of the night Her darkness reigns --Verse 2 She'll cause trauma with a thought An abberation nature wrought No fire in hell creates a wake like hers Leave her undisturbed --Pre-Chorus 1 Or you'll bleed out to nothin' You'd better pray for the sun If she breathes your scent you're done --Chorus 1 Your heart can't beat it's gone flatline Your fate is sealed by her design Your case is critical Loving her is terminal When the night comes Don't fall in love with her It'll be the end of you on Earth Her charm's invincible Loving her is terminal and you'll die You will die --Verse 3 With the bat of her eyes You are her prey She plays to break your heart with pain The princess of your life Medusa reigns --Pre-Chorus 2 If your clock ticks down to nothin' You'd better pray for the sun If you taste her kiss you're gone --Chorus 2 Your heart can't beat it's gone flatline Your fate is sealed by her design Your case is critical Loving her is terminal And the night you thought You fell in love with her Was the end of your life on Earth Her spell's invincible Loving her is terminal and you'll die You will die --Instrumental middle --Pre-Chorus 3 When your heart bleeds out to nothin' You'd better pray for the sun If you breath her scent you're gone (repeat chorus 2 through fadeout)
0 -
I like the melody, it is good. I like the instrumentation. However I totally thought this was the same song as the Enchantress one you posted. Like that one, I get lost in the structure. As a listener I really want definite sections that tell me what to do. The verses need to set up your story, the pre-chorus suggests a conflict and the chorus summarizes everything. Your song just keeps going on about the same character and the same results creating a similar pattern which can grow old pretty quickly.
I realize it's in the book you're writing but the words need a stronger direction. You should name her instead of saying she and her about a hundred times. The chorus doesn't really resolve until way too late. The listener wants things to resolve so they can move on to the next section. The ending of this version goes on way too long also. I would not use "terminal" because it's more associated with a long-term illness leading to death. I would call it "Omega Rules" or Omega Reigns. Keep it going buddy and thanks for sharing!
0 -
@The_Big_Gundown Many thanks for listening and your critique. Much appreciated! Your points and suggestions are well taken. I mostly prefer to write using abstract lyrics that create ambiguity and allows the listener to imagine what's transpiring in their own head. I like to occasionally use a double entendre when it fits. I appreciate that others prefer concrete, definitive lyrics that spell out exactly what the song means. There's nothing wrong with that, my friend! That's the beauty of art. There's something for everyone, and it may not always be somone else's cup of tea. Again, thanks for taking the time to listen and comment. Your points and suggestions are well taken! 😀
0 -
Sorry but those are not abstract lyrics. They just repeat the same theme over and over again. There is no ambiguity here. I am just suggesting lyrics that have some type of journey could help your song.
0 -
Hi @icystorm
As a song that portrays the single minded malevolence of a character I think it's well done and it's how I took it. As it's part of more of a tapestry of songs I can imagine it will work. As a standalone I can see what TBG is getting at but to each there own, horses for courses, newts for ponds - frogs for puddles. OK I made the last one up but boy of boy I was sticking to the rule of 3.
The music is nicely funky whist keeping a certain tense atmosphere and sense of threat throughout. I think it's relative unvarying nature helped add to the sense of 'no escape.' I'm enjoying seeing your project 'shaping up'.
Good work bud.
CCB
1 -
Many thanks for listening, your kind words, and commenting, CCB! I have some more work to do on this one, but the lyrics and arrangement are set and I'm mostly happy with those, but I welcome feedback to the contrary, of course. I've written eight songs for the book and plan to write at least five more. It's going to be some horror novel, with many levels of vengeance played out by the three enchantresses, but Hedra is the sweetheart of the group. One of the songs on my YT channel is specifically about her; "Hedra's Lost Her Mind". Fortunately, all of the villains on the receiving end of their revenge are wicked and deserve it. In one chapter, which doesn't have a title yet, Hedra uses her powers to remove a finger from a target as they sleep. Imagine waking up to a missing finger the next morning! No pain or scar, simply a missing finger. Then, Hedra does the same thing night after night to the same target, one body part at a time. How long would it take the person to go crazy? Even cameras can't catch what is happening since she does it all from her mind. Many insidious chapters! Hopefully ready by Halloween! LOL!
0 -
Coming to a Halloween NEAR YOU!! I'll hold off listening to the 'back catalogue' of songs so I can hear them as part of the completed piece in due course. Brave heart Tegan.
CCB
1 -
Again, thank you for your comments. Regarding your perception that the theme repeats over and over again, I appreciate that is your perception, but to me, the lyrics convey the theme of the song, which is about a guy unwittingly falling in love with a dark enchantress and receiving a dire warning not to. I respect your opinion and that my abstract lyrics and loose ambiguity don't reach you, my friend. I received good feedback about my lyrics here and elsewhere, but, again, I respect that you have a different view and I appreciate your comments. I hope you like my next song more! 😀
0 -
Music is all subjective , You can get 500 million opinions lol
I've seen Nashville publishers say this song sucks and another this is great
0 -
its does not matter what you sing or say as a artist , Its a fan base . people are not songwriters , They either like it or not
0 -
Absolutely. I fully agree. I write and record songs that I'm happy with. Some people like them. Some folks don't. That's life for everyone. I just write and record songs as a fun diversion from my businesses. I'll enjoy writing songs until I drop someday, but I harbor no illusions about making it big (or even small) as a songwriter. I'm still working on this one and will have a music video for it soon, love it or hate it. Lol! :smiley:0
-
its amazing major artists bashing other artists artistic travels , Don't they have better things to do
Most fans would not know a chorus from a verse
0 -
I really love the Al Stewart sound you've captured.
I think it's a very good song....................and love the performances!
0 -
I have to agree with IronKnee - I hear an Al Stewart sound in your vocals 😉 Definitely an 80s vibe - I miss those days! The theme reminds me of Hall and Oates "Maneater" - you won't make it out alive! I also thought of Chris DeBurgh - "Don't pay the Ferryman" just something about the overall vibe of the tune. 👍️ Thumbs up!
1 -
@IronKnee and @Plain_Jane
Many thanks to you both for the kind words! Much appreciated! This one is still in pre-demo form for now and still in flux. I posted the early sketch to solicit feedback on the lyrics changes I was considering. I've been swamped with work, but I'm making some alterations to the arrangement and recording new vocals. I'll post a video soon. :-D
If either of you has a YouTube channel, please share your link and I'll be sure to subscribe! 😀
@Plain_Jane I like all of the artists and songs you mentioned. I even mentioned "Don't Pay The Ferryman" recently in another thread. LOL! The 80s were great! I'm looking forward to your next songs! After I wrap up this one and post a music video, I've got a new one coming soon thereafter titled "Malevolence". The songs are meant to complement a horror/thriller novel I'm writing about three beautiful enchantresses.
0 -
IcyStorm - I'll let you know when I have my YouTube channel for music ready. The vid I just posted to this site was "unlisted" just to get it out there on this forum. I have a YouTube channel that was a sing-a-long video for a children's book I wrote back in 2018. You can check that out in the meantime if you want! 😉 I'll be separating that channel from the music I'll be currently writing. I also have music on Spotify from the CD I wrote in 2001. I'm kinda scattered an all over the place lol. Been busy with "life" - gotta get orgainzed and my children's channel and other channel separated. Looks like our genre of books are at opposite ends of the spectrum lol 😂😵Here's the channel I have currently: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xb0YViVO6GI
1 -
Hard to comment on the lyrics in isolation from the book, but they seem suitably spooky and ominous. The musical accompaniment complements this nicely. My only suggestion would be that you find a way to make the chorus stand out a little more. Perhaps with drum rolls and an added instrument? The melody does change from the verse, but it still kind of feels the same.
1
Howdy, Stranger!