Just A Day Away!

Billy_Lunch_Money
Billy_Lunch_Money Leicester, England!
edited December 2022 in Original Songs for review

© 2022 Oz Clarke.

HI Guys, this is my first submission in quite some time. I’m struggling to find four more lines for the verses (*). It’s a sort of n A B A B rhyming method. But, alas I have been drawing a blank. Overall I actually find it’s all a bit too cliché for my taste.  

 The backing track is instrumental and is a work in progress too.

https://soundcloud.com/billy_lunch_money/just-a-day-away  

Any and every suggestion for the lyrics and the mixing would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

I don't know which way the wind blows.

But I'm sure I'll see you again

*

*

Who knows where all the pain goes.

Do we just get use to it.

 

Just wait, one day, they say.

But, I'm sure I'm just a day away!

Just wait, one day, they say.

But, I'm sure I'm just a day!

 

If I drive all night to ends of the earth

Will I see your smile with the rising sun.

If walked cross all the broken glass

Will I see you waiting there for me?

 

Just wait, one day, they say.

But, I'm sure I'm just a day away!

Just wait, one day, they say.

But, I'm sure I'm just a day!

 

Hold my hand across a burning flame.

Wouldn't mean anything if you were there!

*

*

If you were just, one day away. 

I know I'd already be there.  

Comments

  • It was difficult to work out what was happening at the start with some strange noises (radio?) and everything panned hard left. Once everything kicks in I like the riff a lot. I really like the lead guitar too, though it sounds a bit unsure of itself right now. I can imagine a melody line though I'm not quite sure how the words fit. I think you have the makings of a really good song here. Work in progress - I'd be interested to see where you take this.😀

  • hi sounds okay. the intro i would let the radio pan from left to right .maybe a slamming door and footsteps in the background . i would speed up the track a bit .or is it supposed to drag?.
    all together I think
    it will be a good song.
    is this your first production?.
    did you drum the track yourself .sounds good
    just carry on
  • Billy_Lunch_Money
    Billy_Lunch_Money Leicester, England!
    edited December 2022

    Ooh! I should have mentioned that radio thing, I was trying out a few ideas there, going through my Pink Floyd phase again.

    Chris I think my solo bit starts reasonably well but peters out by the fourth and eighth bars. I might not include it in the final mix.

    Remfire, I wouldn't call this my first production but it is the first for me using an all VST setup in mixing. I used EZ Drummer 2 and I haven't got around to humanizing these parts yet.

    Bridge/Middle 8 anyone?

    Overall it's going to be the singing bit that I'm dreading. My voice isn't what it used to be... but then again it wasn't that good to start with.🤣

  • Musically, I like what you've got so far. I like the intro, but I think it's too long, and you should get to what's currently the 35 sec mark in half that time.

    Lyrically, I'm not sure what this is about. It feels like you came up with the hook and weren't sure where to take it.

    The rhyming scheme seems all over the place, it isn't really A B A B at the moment. You can do without one altogether if you want, but you probably need to make a choice then stick with it.

    I think the chorus is strong and worth pursuing. For me, there's an unstated "but I can't wait one more day" lurking in there somewhere. Maybe you could build off that to find the storyline for the verses.

  • Billy_Lunch_Money
    Billy_Lunch_Money Leicester, England!

    RainyDayman you're absolutely right. I'm not sure where to take it. It looks like I originally wrote all the lyrics against the verse melody. I can't even remember what my original notion was and I guess that's why I'm struggling with finishing it. 

    Ooh "but I can't wait one more day." Nice! Can I pinch it to replace the last line in the chorus? 

  • Of course!

  • 65Beezer
    edited December 2022

    I like the melody of your music.


    I would lose all the "But" and "Just"




    Who knows where the wind goes

    You will soon see me again

    I'm the one who holds a rose

    Came to you from a state of zen


    It was my first draft.



    Plan out your story.


    Verse one- Girl you once loved.

    Chorus- One day you will be with her again

    Verse two- Has to play off the chorus but goes forward from the first verse. Don't just reword the first verse.


    JUST MY 2 CENTS.

  • Billy,

    Personally, I liked the radio sounds in the beginning. I think it would be more clear as to what it was if one of the channels was a disc jocky talking or some type of commercial segment. Maybe it is just a soundcloud thing again like we've spoke of but the lead seem to come in extra loud. Not that it should not be a bit more upfront, but it caught me off guard a bit. You have laid a nice foundation for the lyrics. I can kind of hear in my head how they would fit. I'd really have to hear them along with the music to get the whole feel. That said you have a solid start. Looking forward to hearing the completed song!

  • Hola @Billy_Lunch_Money


    I love the radio in the intro, I would have let it play a bit more while the guitar comes one for the rest it sounds good your backing!!

  • Billy_Lunch_Money
    Billy_Lunch_Money Leicester, England!

    Well I'm still throwing a few things around on the lyrics for this one. If it sticks and all that!

  • I think there is something emotionally touching in the lyrics. It sees this guy has lost his love, but is he trying to move on, or does he want to get her back? I think he is trying to prove his love to win her back, which is a great idea.

    The chorus is not clear what the one day is for. One day before he heals a broken heart, or one day before she comes back, or something else?

    IMO, the radio crackle doesn't fit the lyrics. Maybe if he was sending her a message. I like the melody. Once you fit the lyrics with the music it will come together.

  • Sounds great. The way the song starts with just the distortion guitar and then the whole music comes in is powerful. I like the hi-hat sound for some reason it's really good. The drums sound good, very powerful snare. Nice ending like the beginning. Cheers, Haim.

  • Billy_Lunch_Money
    Billy_Lunch_Money Leicester, England!

    Andrea, If my memory serves I came up with the original melody late one night and then discovered it was way too late and went to bed, but I couldn't sleep as it kept going around and around in my head. So I got up again and grabbed a pen and pad and just started writing and writing until I fell asleep.

    Since then I haven't really fully addressed the meaning or story behind the lyrics. But I kind of like the ambiguity of lost love and/or trying to win them back. Maybe the listener should create their own meaning?

    I was somewhat lucky the lyrics for the chorus sort of sinqed up. 

    Haim, thanks for that. But those drums sound are all from EZDrummer2. But then there's a few secret DAW tweaks. If your interest please message me and I can give you run down of my signal chain. 

    As soon as I can stop playing with brand new Grandson I'll all over this like a fly on...

  • icystorm
    edited January 17

    I enjoyed the track commencing after the distortion effect at the beginning. In my opinion, the track from time index 0:38 to 2:56 is a solid basis for building your song. I like where you're going with it and look forward to hearing what you come up with. I think your lyrics are good too. 😀

  • Billy_Lunch_Money
    Billy_Lunch_Money Leicester, England!

    Okay, I think I'm just about there. It's not much different from the original. There are two sections "Who knows where the pain goes? Do we just get use to it!" and "If I walked across broken glass. Would you be waiting for me?" I'm just not happy with those and I can't seem to think of anything analogues to replace them with. Any suggestions would be very very much appreciated.


    Just wait… One day, they say!

    Coz I'm just a day away!

    Just wait, one day, they say...

    That’s what they always say


    I don't know which way to go.

    But I'm sure I'll see you again

    Who knows where the pain goes?

    Do we just get use to it!


    Just wait… One day, they say!

    Coz I'm just a day away!

    Just wait, one day, they say...

    That’s what they always say


    If I walked across broken glass

    Would you be waiting for me?

    If I drove all through the night!

    Will I see your smile with the rising sun?


    Solo/Bridge


    Just wait… One day, they say!

    Coz I'm just a day away!

    Just wait… One more day, they say!

    But I'm just a day away!

    If you are, just one day away!

    I can't wait one more day!

  • Might be one you just need to live with for a while. Sometimes I find myself playing one of mine and think -wait that's not what I originally wrote! And sure enough somewhere along the way the words morphed to what seemed to fit most naturally. And maybe something similar could happen for you.

  • I actually like the lyric, the last version you posted. It's simple, doesn't try to say too much.

    I have to say, I'm not a fan of all that intro and outro stuff. I think it might work better if you cut the length and maybe didn't pan as far to the sides, maybe 50% or whatever seems to work. That is more natural because, even if something is to the left of you, you still hear it partly in your right ear too.

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