OFELIA
Occasionally, I write a lyric from the opposite gender. So, any gentlemen out there who likes this lyric enough and would like to co-write, please let me know. Willing to pay my share of studio time if needed. And nothing's written in stone, so have at it!
Yours truly,
hummer
OFELIA
[Chorus]
Ofelia
Ofelia
How did I let someone steal you away?
Ofelia
Unlike Amelia
I’m still missin’ you today
[Verse 1]
Your long black hair
And your baby-blue eyes
There’s no woman alive lovelier than you
The way you took me in
Cleansed me of my sin
You were my messiah darlin’, it’s true
[Chorus]
Ofelia
Ofelia
How did I let someone steal you away?
Ofelia
Unlike Amelia
I’m still missin’ you today
[Verse 2]
I fell off of the wagon
Breathin’ fire like a dragon
The whiskey went down easy, I fell hard
And I know it’s no excuse
You sufferin’ my abuse
Knowin’ you held in your heart my ace card
[Chorus]
Ofelia
Ofelia
How did I let someone steal you away?
Ofelia
Unlike Amelia
I’m still missin’ you today
[Bridge]
Now, ten years of the good life is gone
Winnin’ you back’s the only thing keeps me hangin’ on
[Chorus/Tag]
Ofelia
Ofelia
How did I let someone steal you away?
Ofelia
Unlike Amelia
I’m still missin’ you today
Ofelia
Unlike Amelia
I’m still missin’ you…missin’ you more, darlin’ each day.
© 2024 Renee La Chapelle
Inspired by “Fear The Walking Dead” the character, “Ofelia”.
Comments
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I like this overall, but the "unlike Amelia" grates on me, cause it feels contrived- like it's there purely for the rhyme, cause otherwise Amelia doesn't even make an appearance. I think you should try for something else there. Given the alcohol references in v2 maybe there's something can be done with Tequila? Unlike the Tequila, I'm still missing you today might work. But something else anyway.
I can imagine this done in the style of The Refreshments.
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hmmmmm..... not a bad thought, Rainy Day Man! By putting Amelia in I was hoping for that underlying can't move on, no one else compares .... but I hear you on the 'contrived rhyme', tho' it wasn't as it just sort of fell on Amelia naturally. But because this is meant to be heartfelt and sincere, I hear what you're saying. And if I go with Tequila in the chorus, I guess I could connect Tequila somehow in V2 by taking 'whiskey' out . . . might be able to say, 'the liquor went down easy, I fell hard' (is tequila even a liquor?) have to look it up, lol!
Thanks for your wonderful suggestion,
hummer
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Rainy Day Man: I just changed the lyric on my end to your suggestion "unlike the tequila" and I think I love it because it shows he's reformed! And I also like the alliterations; unliKe, teQuila where with Amelia there were none. And I suppose in V2 I could just say: "The margarita's went down easy, I fell hard . . ." let it stew for a few days.
Cowrite? lol! I think you would have jumped on it by now. All's good!
Thanks again,
hummer
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Agree with RDM, keep thinking Amelia Earhart, consider using "ya" to replace you, also rhymes with Ofelia, so maybe opportunities there.
When introducing characters give the listener something to chew on otherwise they feel left out and resent it, e.g. Amelia, the bitch, Amelia, my ex, confide in them and draw them in to the narrative.
Overall, a good song, worth revisiting this one and revamping it a little, you have the talent for sure.
Sid
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Thank you Sid! I wondered whether or not to use you or ya. Didn't want it to sound contrived but then again I originally had "Amelia" until Rainy Day's suggestion of 'tequila', Yes. I will revisit. At the moment I'm on a terrific lyrical roll not easy to keep up with. Tho' through the years I've managed to get better at keeping up with saving my material in a somewhat organized fashion, lol!
And thanks for the high compliment regarding 'talent'. It's the reason I started to write lyrics as my first true love Duncan was a piano player/songwriter and me, feeling talentless at age 17 or so started writing poetry which quickly turned into lyrics. Got a compliment from a talented musician so I kept on going, Thankful I have a labor of love, So, yes, I've been doing this 2/3's of my life (and now you know my approx, age) lol!! Yes, I'm old.. but still viable!
I see you are most prolific yourself and most talented. Truly enjoying your music over on Audius. I signed up for an account and am currently using both Soundcloud (free version) and Audius. I like Audius, the only thing I don't like is that I can't post my lyrics as the Description is limited on characters. Other than that, I find the platform very user friendly for a non-techy like me!
hummer
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The first lyric I ever wrote in my life was back in February of this year. I have this forum and in particular RDM to thank for the encouragement and direction to improve and enjoy what I am doing. Stick with it here and you will get the same degree of support and guidance I constantly receive. There are some excellent songwriters on this site so pick their brains and study their techniques, you'll gain a lot very quickly.
Re Audius: reference the lyrics to be found on TSF and make sure you post them here. At least that's something!
Sid
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Be interested to see how it all comes out!
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Whoa, Sid! You mean to tell me you're a newb to writing lyrics and you've already got that many songs on Audius? Dang, I figured ya'd been at it for years. You're either a fast-learner or a natural; probably both. Kudos!
And yes, I've already gained a lot in just the few days I've been on here, I'm what ya'd call a closet writer. Not that I don't study others' songs but I'm pretty much alone writing. Which is fine...to that point.
hummer
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Howdy, Stranger!