Unforgiving
RK
Unforgiving love
No I don’t want it anymore. A‘
This feeling makes it hard to breathe
No I can’t take it anymore
But it seems to be all over
It hurts to see them being in love
To see them walking hand in hand
Bitterness rises deep inside
But I stay the lonely rover
Say why can’t I just walk away? A+
Quit it, like I should quit smoking
Damned is this ,human desire‘
Not needed after my bad luck
Feel rage and sadness, all at once
For me there ain’t a happy end
Press the button, turn it off
Oh why can’t I just pull the plug?
Unforgiving love. B
You can’t forget what you once tasted
Unforgiving love
Somehow this fire survives inside
Unforgiving love
You can’t forget what you once tasted
Unforgiving love
But I can’t see the morning light
All the pain can’t break my yearning C
Hate all that reminds me of
I tried so hard and gave so much
Withhold is still a tender touch
All the pain can’t break my yearning
Lost, frightened is my soul
I’ve loved so strong but there’s no bliss
No ,WE‘ and not a single kiss
Say why can’t I just walk away? A*
Quit it, like I should quit smoking
Damned is this ,human desire‘
-I’d love to love every day, but-
The price is much to high to pay
©️by Ian P./ 26.12.2024/for: VALENTINE+B
Comments
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I think there's something worthwhile here Ian, though maybe it needs a little more polish.
There's emotion here. Bitterness, envy, loneliness, sadness. Watching someone else in love can be painful, and that's coming thru.
as a suggestion, you might start at this point:
It hurts to see them being in love
To see them walking hand in hand
cause I think that gets us into the frame immediately.
The over/rover rhyme feels a bit forced. There aren't great rhymes for over, so maybe ditch that line too.
In the chorus I'm wondering whether you might build off the "taste" metaphor rather than switching to "this fire survives". May be try something more like "sweetness turns to sour" or something like that?
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Can tell you for CERTAIN, I love your title! "Unforgiving". If it were my song, I'd call it "Unforgiving Love"; for those 'v' alliterations that you've built in. Looking at Owen's notes, I agree with his idea on opening lines; sets the tone very nicely. And I'm unfamiliar with the A, A+, A*, B . . . but if B = Bridge, you might consider making it the Chorus since that's where your title lands. And while your "B" is an interesting rhyme scheme, it might be better to rhyme "tasted" with something like "wasted" and then come in with your long "i" sounds so "inside" and "light" chime better; something like this:
"Unforgiving love.
You can’t forget what you once tasted
Unforgiving love
Can't get back the time you've wasted (not a great line but for rhyming purposes)
Unforgiving love
Somehow this fire survives inside
Unforgiving love
But I can’t see the morning light"
I hope I've been helpful, if in some small way,
Renee
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Hey you guys, thanks for your ideas.
Owen you are right about this river rhyme I could find a one that fits, so I’m going to recreate the first A. Same goes for the fire line. I had two there together following one another but I thought it would be too much, so I skipped one. I’ll have a closer look in a bit. Thanks!
Thanks Renee, I’ll think that every well put idea can be a help. The A‘-A+… and so on: I have learned by a songwriter of a European school of writing. They use these letters to simplify. A‘ = verse one A+ = verse two, A*… if the song gets longer you add other symbols to the A .B = chorus/refrain and C= breaking point/bridge/turning point…what ever you wanna do that’s the spot!1 -
@RainbowKeeper thank you for clarifying your song structure for me. Us Americans are, as they say, slow sometimes, lol! 🤣 🇺🇸 heck, it took me forever to find the American flag just now!
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@HummerWisdom lol! But I also met Americans using my structure on here at the forum. So it’s not that unknown. Anyway I rewrote and I’d appreciate if you and @RainyDayMan have a look once again.
I wanted to keep the lines at the beginning but I changed a little here and there.1 -
Unforgiving love
No I don’t want it anymore
But it seems to be all over
It hurts to see them being in love
To see them walking hand in hand
Bitterness rises deep inside
This feeling makes it hard to breathe
It hurts to think, it hurts to be
For me there ain’t a happy end
Say why can’t I just walk away? A+
Quit it, like I should quit smoking
Damned is this ,human desire‘
Not needed after my bad luck
Feel rage and sadness, all at once
Echos in my own emptiness
Press the button, turn it off
Oh why can’t I just pull the plug?
Unforgiving love. B
You can’t forget what you once tasted
Unforgiving love
Like chocolate, marshmallows and candy
Unforgiving love
You can’t forget what you once tasted
Unforgiving love
But without love it all feels wasted
All the pain can’t break my yearning C
Hate all that reminds me of
I tried so hard and gave so much
Withhold is still a tender touch
All the pain can’t break my yearning
Lost, frightened is my soul
I’ve loved so strong but there’s no bliss
No ,WE‘ and not a single kiss
Say why can’t I just walk away? A*
Quit it, like I should quit smoking
Damned is this ,human desire‘
-I’d love to love every day, but-
The price is much to high to pay
©️by Ian P./ 26.12.2024/for: VALENTINE+B0 -
@RainbowKeeper hmmm....I love what you did with the chorus; definitely much sweeter! And this American is definitely a bit slow 'cuz until you, I swear on a stack of Holy Bibles, I never heard of A, A+A*................. lol! Uh-oh, now I'm hearing:
"Unforgiving love
You can't forget what you once tasted
Unforgiving love
Like that box of chocolates you wasted
Unforgiving love
You can't forget what you once tasted
Unforgiving love
Unforgiving love"
But please pay NO attention to me because this is YOUR song!
I hope I haven't overstepped like America is known to do,
Renee
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@HummerWisdom na, it’s all good. You have your style I have mine. The image you used is not bad, but my main point in this piece lies somewhere else. But that doesn’t mean that you are not free of saying your opinion. There is just one thing I don’t like, and that’s when feedback is given in a form like: I am American so I can do it better than you, so you have to listen to me….! That’s something that makes me big, muscular and green. 😂😅1
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@RainbowKeeper yeh, after posting my take I realized I'd lost your heart. Sorry. And I agree, I don't like that 'above it all' attitude either!
Can't wait to hear the final song! I have every faith in you that you will make your song shine!
Renee
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Coming along nicely! All the forced elements are gone now.
"happy ending" might be a bit more natural than 'happy end", but not drastic either way.
I like your new line "It hurts to think, it hurts to be"
Good stuff.
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Thanks Owen. Sometimes it’s good to get a good night sleep and some friendly feedback to really finish a piece.0
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