Our mother
Feel free to give feedback and comments.
RK
OUR MOTHER
No, this far, no further A‘
She got tears in her eyes
You have had your chances
Now you will pay the price
This time she won’t forgive
And not swallow her pain
Revenge full of chaos
Before she dies in vain
Can’t escape what’s coming. A+
We can’t run, we can’t hide
That is what we should know
Would be a chanceless fight
Shaking ground, floods of tears
And everyone asks ‚why?‘
Till she will stop turning
And smog darken the sky
Our mother is crying B
Cause she’s slowly dying
She talks to us loud and clear
Our mother is crying
Cause she’s slowly dying
She doesn’t need us
But we need her
She talks to us loud and clear
Not a mumble, not a slur
Can’t stop the seasons from changing C
Can’t stop the tides of the sea
Can’t stop the season from changing
But pollution through you and me
When will we understand
That our Mother Earth is the ONE place to be?!
Wake up and help her out A*
Prevent earth from this end
She won’t swallow her pain
-beware us of that day-
Before she dies in vain
©️by Ian P./ 19.10.2024/for: VALENTINE+B
Comments
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The reveal in part C that it's the Earth and not a human mother referenced! I think that works well, and it immediately made me go back and re-read it from the start.
I also found myself falling into a rhythm reading the verses, and I always think that's a good sign. It makes it much easier to set to music.
In your part B which I think is the chorus, I feel like her message should be the final line. At the moment you tell us that she's talking to us, but not what she's saying (or at least not at that point), but the chorus is usually the heart of the song and it feels to me like it should be here.
You could also consider swapping "talk" for "speak" in one of those lines in the chorus for variation - but I've noticed you often prefer a direct repetition of lines.
"-beware us of that day-" feels a little awkward. Maybe just "beware that day"?
It's such an important issue, and a tough one to get right in a song! I think this is very worthwhile.
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Thanks for your encouragement Owen! Infact I considered „speak“ but you know I think it will happen when it finally meets its music, so it’s not written in stone yet.
I will think about restructuring B, maybe I get a better vision when I’m fully awake (this new medication really know how to make you snooze…..).
I’m just glad that part- c worked as planned. It was the first part I wrote for this piece.
I do agree it’s a very important topic and because I think that pointing fingers is not the way I included myself and said: through you and me…
Anyway it’s 40 min past midnight so good night for now!
Thanks again!
RK0 -
Excellent construction RK, the reveal in C was well timed and achieved the desired impact, nice touch.
Relevant topic with a strong message, well presented.
Enjoyed it very much.
Sid
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Tyvm Sid!0
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