The Bard's Tale
Here's lyrics only. I am working on writing lyrics more like you all where it isn't a nursery rhyme.
Let me know what you think. I see areas where I could improve on this but have not because it is probably my inner poet talking.
So beat this up and let me know how this really stands.
[Verse 1]
In shadows hole, where dark creeps,
My soul fills with despair.
Where are the words to be my North star
Lead me through the storm to shore
[Chorus]
I found the words I needed, deep inside
A stew of thought, where my dreams live
With pen in hand, I stride the chair
My soul, burns tonight
[Verse 2]
My lance a pen, a knight's tool,
Leaps and sways in darkened light.
Wipes blankness from the page,
Starkness disappearing.
[Verse 3]
Words flow like a river's grace,
Each letter blooms, a flower smiles.
The song grew, to mountain's height,
A universe born to empty miles.
[Chorus]
I found the words I needed, deep inside
A stew of thought, where my dreams live
With pen in hand, I stride the chair
My soul, burns tonight
[Bridge]
The final verse falls slow,
Like winter's first lick of snow.
A fitful end to thoughts I cast down,
Is it my masterpiece or soft and brown?
Comments
-
Uh…oh… mhhh… I like the way you use your pen to write down good stuff like this. 😅
I like the image and the style I’ve chosen to put your words together. It definitely got style and shows a mighty little poet inside. Keep him alive!!
I was waiting for the knights and wizards to show up, but they didn’t and that’s a fact I especially love about it.
Were I’d personally work on:
- be careful about the metrics of your lines. A length that’s too different can hurt the music later on.
- I’d love it if at least the chorus part would rhyme. Just to be more …god now I ve even forgotten the word in my language…anyway: just to stick in the ears and minds of your listener. It’s good stuff you did here so why not try to keep it in ppls minds?
-„ The song grew, to mountain's height“
I would change it to „This“ song. Expresses more personal feeling writing this special piece and not something else. It gives more „personal adventure“.
Hope i could have been helpful.
Good stuff!
RK1 -
RainbowKeeper is giving you great advice.
When he says write for the people he doesn't mean Edgar Allan Poe!
Take your first line,
In shadows hole, where dark creeps,
In lyrical prose, it would be telling a tale,
something like:
The hole was deep and dark, shadows hid my fears.
When you tell a story, you need to use more colours on your palette.
Go through each line and convert it to colourful prose.
Sid
0 -
@RainbowKeeper Awesome! Thank you thank you thank you... I am deeply appreciative of the critique. It is just what I need to evolve. I also was looking for the knights and even a dragon or two but they just were not there. Maybe in my next one. I've taken your advice and reworked it over my coffee. If you would be so kind as to rip through it again for me?
@sidshovel Poe has got some of the best metrical lines in all of history which carries the reader from start to finish, so don't knock him lol
Let's see how this iteration sounds to you all. And thanks again!
[Verse 1]
In chambers where my shadows linger,
My soul fills with despair.
Searching for words guide me home
A North star in my darkest hour
[Chorus]
I found the words I needed, deep inside
A tapestry where dreams come alive
With quill in hand, I danced and strive
My poet's soul, keeps me alive
[Verse 2]
My arrow, streams through the night,
barely seen in candlelight.
Silent siren crying out against the stark
Will my arrow hit my mark.
[Verse 3]
Words glow like a fairy's face,
Letters flow as maidens hair.
The song grew to heavenly height,
A universe born of verse
[Chorus]
I found the words I needed, deep inside
A tapestry where dreams come alive
With quill in hand, I danced and strive
My poet's soul, keeps me alive
[Bridge]
The final lines fell to their end,
Like winter's first fallen snow.
A regal cease to words cast down,
Is it my masterpiece, a paltry crown.
0 -
Use this to check the rest against, use more pronouns to avoid stark staccato sounding sections
[Verse 1]
In the room where my shadow lingers,
and my soul fills heavy with despair.
I search for words to guide me home.
A North star, to light my darkest hour.
Rudyard Shovel
0 -
I think I get it as it makes the verse more personal and emotionally relatable but also ties the words together to flow better.
Mind you, I took a very metaphorically decorated poem and converted it over, or tried. More than 3/4 of it was tossed to narrow the story and make it semi lyrical.
I guess part of my confusion is I was told to vary my lines to make the song more interesting and to use more straight forward wording without losing the image.
Being able to do this must be where the line is clearly drawn between poetry and lyrics.
Is there a specific method to identify where in the song the variation in verse or line length belongs?0 -
Hey, glad I could help!
I guess you missed something here: Searching for words guide me home…
And:
The song grew to heavenly height —> MY song…
It feels more smooth while reading, just don’t change to many images from your first version, cause they where great. It all needed more personal images and messages. Combined with Sid’s advice (not to much but more sensual/ personal from yourself!) and this piece will get even better!
Hope I could have been helpful!
RK0 -
Is there a specific method to identify where in the song the variation in verse or line length belongs?
Over to you RDM!
Sid
0 -
real good stuffs i like it but maybe louder vox
0 -
@RainbowKeeper I took you advice and think it's ready for prime time lol. Thanks for your direction and guidance. To me it is as refined as I can get it.
The Bard
[Verse 1]
In my darkest hour.
When my shadows linger.
And trouble stirs my soul.
I look for my North star.
(My words will bring me home)
[Chorus]
I find the words I needed,
deep deep down inside.
A wild tapestry, where it still all comes alive.
So with quill in hand, I write and strive.
My poet's soul, keeps me alive.
[Verse 2]
Like an arrow streaming through the night.
Is barely seen in pale moonlight.
My lyrics gleam to betray the dark.
A song alights from just a spark.
[Verse 3]
In my mind, words begin to phase.
letters flow upon the page.
like the ol' tales told of long ago.
My song grew on a crescendos rise.
Before its' fall into a hushed demise.
Rising again readying its reprise.
(My words will bring me home)
[Chorus]
I found the words I needed,
deep deep down inside.
A wild tapestry where it still all comes alive.
So with quill in hand, I write and strive.
My poet's soul, keeps me alive.
[Bridge]
As the final lines fell to their end,
Leavin' me hangin' in suspense.
Did my song align to ear and soul,
or does 'The Bard' still have much to show?
0 -
Definitely better than where you started from.
Still making some basic errors which you should remedy.
Keep your verse line count consistent, 4 in 2, 6 in another, in this song doesn't work.
Stick with a basic song structure.
suggest: VVCVCBC
Sid
0 -
Thanks Sid. I finally have a structure for my writing now. I had been scouring the web to find how a song is assembled. I'll definitely follow this on my songs from here on out.
With each day you guys are teaching me sooooo much
Thanks
0 -
This is probably the best site around for songwriters, its reputation is built on the leadership and its members.
The vast majority of members are going to make you feel welcome and will go out of their way to help you.
Trust me, that is not the same in most other songwriting sites.
Stay here and you will learn a lot and pass on your own experiences.
Keep at it, you're doing fine.
Sid
0 -
Where would I go? This place is awesome!
So now that I now to structure the verses and choruses into VVCVCBC as you showed above, I can arrange my words properly to fit the standards, however my line length obviously is incorrect as I've read things like bridges and choruses should be shorter as it makes the 'flow' more interesting and helps the musician to create the transitions between the song itself and the supporting structure of the music.
When I'm writing, the ideas bloom and grow. There must be a trick to cutting the stalk before it becomes a shrub.
Hope to hell I explained that correctly.0 -
The stalk and shrub bit cleared up all the confusion! lol
0 -
The more I learn the less I understand. Lol
At least I am enjoying the process and getting good feedback.
There are so many things to learn and understand but as I am ideas keep forming. They complicate my comprehension and I end up knowing more but being able to utilize it less. At least that's how I'm feeling about this process currently.
Although I am a poet and do not have intent to try to make money writing song lyrics, I am serious about learning how to do it. My initial thoughts about transitioning hold some use but so much more goes into a lyric that differs from a poem, their considerations are almost endless.
Carry an arc, keeping the ideas half described to allow for listener interpretation, line length, ease of vocal delivery, understanding the lyrical structure and also it's ability to flow or shift the songs flow for other sections. There's more and more that goes into a song lyrically that I see I am in for an epic journey.
Gimme ten years and I'll write you a song, one that plays strings that move your soul. Haha0 -
You can use long lines or broken rhymes or all that, if you want to highlight something you want to say. Those little things are style methods that can „used carefully“ help to underline the message of your song, but first you should practice to bring everything in the right place and order. It’s not always vvc…. Sometimes it’s vcv or even cvcb or interlude line …it’s like learning the abc-of doing it better before writing the essay for others to read 😅 nevertheless I like your images, flow and style. As long as you keep your feet on the ground it will be interesting to read your stuff and maybe work with you on stuff. And yes: one big part of the craft and artistry is to find a way and say what you want to say in a line with 8 syllables cause all the others also have 8. 😉
Hope I could have been helpful!
RK0 -
@RainbowKeeper So it is dependent upon syllable count per line which comprises 32 syllables in a verse.
Is that to say all "verses" should adhere to that strict standard?
I understand the call outs with the longer or more complex oddities being used as transitions or emphasis, maybe. (Bridge pre chorus?)
Truly grateful for your time wisdom and compliments. Hopefully my writing will evolve and I become worth collaborating with.0 -
There are no hard rules for how many syllables should be on a line, nor how many lines should be in a verse or chorus. And as @RainbowKeeper mentioned there are many ways you can put together verse/chorus/bridge. Some patterns are more common than others, and when you are starting out it can be helpful to follow those. If you pick a few songs that you like, you can break them down on those lines, and see what might appeal to you, and use it as a template, but ultimately any pattern can work if you can set it to music and it sounds good.
1 -
Thanks Owen, perfect explanation!0
-
Ohhhh geeez! So keep to 8 syllables but do as I want. Good advice and clear direction for my journey. lol
Looks like I will write and write as I always do but keep letting you critique so I can learn from your experiences, then make my own style from all of your info.
Not saying no more questions, as there will be plenty... so after much trial and error, revisions until my keys have no letters left, I would like to provide the final revision of The Bard.
I'd like you to pick this over and critique it again so I may further refine it or leave it as is.
The Bard
[Verse]
As ebon shrouds what's clear,
I see antiques of yesteryear
Oh! My song must be relayed
To guide me home with no delays
[Verse]
I release my dreams into the night
And they're barely seen in the pale moonlight
As my words flash to betray the dark
My song alights from just a spark
[Vocal Ad-Lib]
(fuel the fire, for a song to take me home?)
[Chorus]
Found the words I need, deep inside
A wild tapestry, where threads align
So with quill in hand, I write and thrive
My poet's soul, keeps me alive
[Verse]
In my mind the words begin to phase
Ink like blood flows on the page
like the tales of age told long ago
Notes flow from truths untold
[Bridge]
My song grew on crescendos rise
Before its' slide into hushed sighs
Rising again for its reprise
[Vocal Ad-Lib]
(guide me home)
[Chorus]
Found the words I need, deep inside
A wild tapestry where threads align
So with quill in hand, I write and thrive
My poet's soul, keeps me alive
[Soulful Interlude]
[Outro]
As the final lines reach their end
Leavin' me hangin' in suspense
Did my song align to your ear and soul
or does 'The Bard' still have more to show
0 -
It feels more smooth when you read it, don’t it?
I like the „blood-inc“ line!
One little thing:
A wild tapestry, where threads align > skip the „A“0 -
Smooth and cohesive as refining it does.
I'm developing it further trying to go deeper into the rabbit hole of the creation process and how important it is for 'the bard' to write a song taking him home. Already have a few more verses and ideas jotted down. . .
Stay tuned lol
Thanks for all the support and guidance. It's much easier refining something with external inputs, so maybe you guys and girls will make a songwriter of me yet!
Haha0
Howdy, Stranger!