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Gorgeous stranger
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 Posted: Sat Jul 3rd, 2021 01:39 pm
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B-spoke
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Gorgeous stranger

V1.I live in a small town
With a small town mentality
Any sense of adventure
Is lost in its normality

Its barely awake
If only for my sake,
We need to give this place a shake

What this town needs
To make it a success
Is a gorgeous stranger in a pretty dress

V2. I live in a small town
Everyone knows each other
Every third neighbour
Is a friend of my mother

Give me a break
If only for my sake,
We need to give this place a shake

What this place needs
If it’s to progress
Is a gorgeous stranger in a pretty dress

V3. I live in a small town
Everyone's an ex or a friend
Secrets are hard to hide
Bridges are hard to mend


We wear every mistake
If only for my sake
We need to give this place a shake



If she can give the dress a twirl
She’ll be a good old country girl



Last edited on Tue Jul 6th, 2021 08:07 am by B-spoke

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 Posted: Sat Jul 3rd, 2021 10:29 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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heya,
I do like this. very fun to read.I always find it a bit difficult to end-rhyme on words like: mentality, cause its just a rush to sing because of the sylbs, but I guess its not a real problem if you are native.

I do like how you wrote your verses. all almost alike but diffrent and I do think the twists you worked in are all great.
About the chorus, I do like how you start and end, just thinking if the lines in between are needed. Seems kinda wordy to me.
The ending is ok. I expected a little more there tbh. Cause the rest is written so cleaver and has a good flow, the ending seems to be a little "short cut"-version to me.
Maybe thats just my personal feeling but yeah.

Anyway,Hope I could have been helpful
RK

Last edited on Sat Jul 3rd, 2021 10:29 pm by RainbowKeeper



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 Posted: Sat Jul 3rd, 2021 10:36 pm
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Motorist Sketchbook
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This is a potential gem in need of refinement.
The hook is buried under endless lines of lyric.

Like you said, a work in progress.
What happens if you cut the fluff?
And give the hook (theme) more emphasis.

If you can't cut copy, break the verses into two chunks
of four lines each instead eight running lines.
And that might reveal the lack of symmetry here.

Sketch


Last edited on Sat Jul 3rd, 2021 11:14 pm by Motorist Sketchbook



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 Posted: Sun Jul 4th, 2021 01:00 am
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Andrea
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This is a good start. I think you have a good theme, but the verses could be more developed. For me personally there is too much repetition and not enough new. I also think first person would work really well here.

I could also see the first 4 lines as the verse and the last lines as a PC.


For example:

V1
I live in a small town
With a small town mentality
Every third neighbor
Is a member of my family

What this place needs
I really must confess
Is a gorgeous stranger in a pretty dress


In V2, you give this idea 'everyone knows each other' - this made me think about small towns and how it is hard to hide a secret.

Here is something off the top of my head to give you an idea:


I live in a small town
Everyone's an ex or a friend
Secrets are hard to hide
trust is hard to amend

What this place needs
I really must confess
Is a gorgeous stranger in a pretty dress

The chorus doesn't fit well for me. I don't the relation of a gorgeous stranger/woman is a pretty dress to an angel who wants to settle down.

I do love the the last line "She’ll be a good old country girl", but I want to believe it.



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 Posted: Sun Jul 4th, 2021 01:57 am
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RainyDayMan
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I like what you've got here in general. It's got a vibe to it already.

What this place needs
To make it a success
Is a gorgeous stranger in a pretty dress

those are some strong lines!

Playing off the "small town" start, I feel your gorgeous stranger should be bringing the town to life rather than settling down. Perhaps the chorus could reflect that.

I like Andrea's suggestion of using the 1st person too.



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 Posted: Sun Jul 4th, 2021 02:05 am
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Motorist Sketchbook
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Andrea wrote: This is a good start. I think you have a good theme, but the verses could be more developed. For me personally there is too much repetition and not enough new. I also think first person would work really well here.

I could also see the first 4 lines as the verse and the last lines as a PC.


For example:

V1
I live in a small town
With a small town mentality
Every third neighbor
Is a member of my family

What this place needs
I really must confess
Is a gorgeous stranger in a pretty dress


In V2, you give this idea 'everyone knows each other' - this made me think about small towns and how it is hard to hide a secret.

Here is something off the top of my head to give you an idea:


I live in a small town
Everyone's an ex or a friend
Secrets are hard to hide
trust is hard to amend

What this place needs
I really must confess
Is a gorgeous stranger in a pretty dress

The chorus doesn't fit well for me. I don't the relation of a gorgeous stranger/woman is a pretty dress to an angel who wants to settle down.

I do love the the last line "She’ll be a good old country girl", but I want to believe it.

There it is right at the end of verse three.

I saw it in your post. The most memorable and quotable part of this lyric. (the hook) And what should be the chorus perhaps. Or half of it. (the last half) Something to hammer home with every chorus. Or as you indicated, a pre-chorus.

What this place needs
I must confess
Is a gorgeous stranger
in a pretty dress

Last edited on Sun Jul 4th, 2021 02:10 am by Motorist Sketchbook



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 Posted: Sun Jul 4th, 2021 04:08 pm
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B-spoke
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Some fabulous feedback thanks to all you guys definetly going to revisit this Andrea I am very impressed with the top of your head;)

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 Posted: Sun Jul 4th, 2021 05:05 pm
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B-spoke
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I have tweeked the lyrics thanks guys for the feedback, let me know what you think, the outro could be added to the chorus but i dont want to detract from the hook.

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 Posted: Sun Jul 4th, 2021 06:24 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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hey there,
I hope we didn't give you a "feedback" overload....
But I guess you get the best out of it and from what I read you did a good job givin' it a brush up.
V3 still seems to be a bit difficult but the whole song flows much better now.
I like that ending and its kinda funny because I thought while reading it over again, that this stranger could also be male... well at least for me... so the "girl" in the end takes the dragqueen out of my brain... ;):D
Hope I could have been helpful

RK



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Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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 Posted: Sun Jul 4th, 2021 07:53 pm
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SongWriterJoe
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Instead of stranger then, say a beautiful angel in a pretty red dress



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 Posted: Tue Jul 6th, 2021 04:07 pm
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SongWriterJoe
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Nice rhymes. Good to see someone who understands the value of poetry in music



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 Posted: Wed Jul 7th, 2021 10:53 pm
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Taylorm260
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First stanza is solid.
Second too.

Every third neighbour
Is a friend of my mother
^^^^^ cute.

If it’s to progress
^^^^ nice variation.

Everyone's an ex or a friend
^^^^ may be wordy

Secrets are hard to hide
^^^^ consider "keep"


If she can give the dress a twirl
She’ll be a good old country girl
^^^^ this is cute though twirling girls don't scream country to me. I like it though. It has some sass.



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 Posted: Wed Jul 21st, 2021 01:40 am
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cmaja
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This is cute, B… Hey, we need to give this world a shake. If she’d have her eyes on Heaven, her feet planted firmly on the ground, and a voice to penetrate the hearts of men; maybe just maybe…

Keep up the good works.

Charles



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 Posted: Wed Jul 21st, 2021 07:37 pm
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B-spoke
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thanks

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 Posted: Sun Jul 25th, 2021 10:17 pm
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Andrea
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Hi B,

I have been away and am enjoying your new version. Is there any chance you could post the old version under the new version? I like to see the original too. I am tired tonight, but I will leave some feedback again soon.



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 Posted: Fri Jul 30th, 2021 02:28 pm
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SongWriterJoe
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Sounds a bit like a semi-formal show tune



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