The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters Home 

Welcome to The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters!
Please log on to view our discussion forum in its entirety.

It's only sin
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
 Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Sun May 16th, 2021 04:05 am
  PMQuoteReply
1st Post
KLMartin
Member


Joined: Wed May 12th, 2021
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 12
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
I recently finished this one after revisiting it from several years back. Thank you for taking a look.


It’s only sin - ©KLMartin 2021

She was left out on the sidewalk
…just like the morning news.
Still just a kid, but understood
…and knew what she had to do.
It was the cold, hard truth.

As the years passed by, the youth in her eyes
…vanished without a trace.
She was left with scars on her soul and arms
…alone and so afraid.
That’s when she heard her name.

The devil said “Girl, I run this world
I can take away your pain.”
“Just trust me now, I’ll show you how.
Let me tell you what to take.”
...”This is the only way.”

“It’s only sin.
You may walk away, but you’ll be back again.
It’s only sin.
And it’s far too late in a battle you can’t win.
I’ve been waiting for this day...for you to look my way.
It’s only sin.”

She was wrapped up in the darkness
…ready to stop the fight.
But she bowed her head, folded her hands
…then began to cry.
Praying into the night.

She said “My Lord I surrender.”
As she fell down to her knees.
“I don’t deserve the right to walk in your light
Can you forgive me please?”
...”Is it too late for me?”

The Lord said “Child, you’ve been lost for a while
Let me wipe away your tears.”
“Down those cold dark roads you were never alone
I was always there.”
...”There’s no more need to fear.”

“It’s only sin.
It’ll wash away and you’ll be new again.
It’s only sin.
And my love for you, it will never end.
I’ve been waiting for this day...for you to look my way.
It’s only sin.”

Back To Top 


 Posted: Tue May 18th, 2021 10:18 pm
  PMQuoteReply
2nd Post
Andrea
Moderator
 

Joined: Tue Nov 27th, 2018
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York USA
Posts: 2373
Favorite Artist: Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Online
Hi K,

The title hooked me right away. There is a lot to like here. Some parts are very moving.

Here are some thoughts of mine to use or lose.

I will talk about before this part next:

She was wrapped up in the darkness
…ready to stop the fight. >>- maybe end instead of stop?
But she bowed her head, folded her hands
…then began to cry.
Praying into the night. >>-- I love these 2 lines. Very visual and moving!

She said “My Lord I surrender.”
As she fell down to her knees.
“I don’t deserve the right to walk in your light
Can you forgive me please?” >>- this is where I get caught. I didn't get that she needed forgiving. The devil has made her an offer, but she had not accepted it yet.
...”Is it too late for me?”

**so this brings me to V1 and V2.

She was left out on the sidewalk
…just like the morning news.
Still just a kid, but understood
…and knew what she had to do.
It was the cold, hard truth.

The last 3 lines are vague, but can work if you develop it in V2. I am getting the idea she sold herself to stay alive. On second thought, the mention of scars on her arms, in the next part, leads me to think drugs. But, for me this doesn't seem like something a kid would think "she needed to do' as a way to stay alive. I would try something that makes your idea clear.


The devil said “Girl, I run this world
I can take away your pain.”
“Just trust me now, I’ll show you how.
Let me tell you what to take.”
...”This is the only way.”


The drug references are clear here. But, this feels too late in the lyric. She is already taking drugs- she has track marks on her arms.

“It’s only sin.
You may walk away, but you’ll be back again.
It’s only sin.
And it’s far too late in a battle you can’t win.
I’ve been waiting for this day...for you to look my way.>>- again she is already taking drugs
It’s only sin.”

What does the devil want from her? To be hooked on drugs? She is already hooked on drugs. Will he free her from the addiction if she gives him her soul? This might be interesting.

Everything after 'She was wrapped up in the darkness" I really like.

“It’s only sin.
It’ll wash away and you’ll be new again.
It’s only sin.
And my love for you, it will never end.
I’ve been waiting for this day...for you to look my way.
It’s only sin.”

I get that God will forgive all sin, but maybe 'it's only sin' is a little too easy. maybe a little tweak at the end?

“It’s only sin.
It’ll wash away and you’ll be new again.
It’s only sin.
And my love for you, it will never end.
I’ve been waiting for this day...for you to look my way.
It's only sin.” >>--So I can forgive all your sins.”



____________________
Andrea
Back To Top


 Posted: Thu May 20th, 2021 02:49 am
  PMQuoteReply
3rd Post
KLMartin
Member


Joined: Wed May 12th, 2021
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 12
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Thank you Andrea for taking a real good look at this, that's the kind of feedback that I like! You are correct that some parts are vague and I wanted it to be a little cryptic without spelling everything out, but maybe it's too vague.

She was left out on the sidewalk
…just like the morning news.
Still just a kid, but understood
…and knew what she had to do.>>>>- (Survive on the streets, no matter what it takes)
It was the cold, hard truth.

As the years passed by, the youth in her eyes
…vanished without a trace.
She was left with scars on her soul and arms>>>- (Everything has taken a toll and she's ready to give up)
…alone and so afraid.
That’s when she heard her name.

The devil said “Girl, I run this world
I can take away your pain.”
“Just trust me now, I’ll show you how.
Let me tell you what to take.”>>>- (Alluding to..he wants finish her off and have her soul)
...”This is the only way.”

“It’s only sin.
You may walk away, but you’ll be back again.
It’s only sin.
And it’s far too late in a battle you can’t win.
I’ve been waiting for this day...for you to look my way.
It’s only sin.”

She was wrapped up in the darkness
…ready to stop the fight.>>>- ("end" will work just as well or better...I'm not sure why I used stop)
But she bowed her head, folded her hands
…then began to cry.
Praying into the night.

She said “My Lord I surrender.”
As she fell down to her knees.
“I don’t deserve the right to walk in your light
Can you forgive me please?”>>>- (She hasn't had God in her life the way she has been living)
...”Is it too late for me?”

The Lord said “Child, you’ve been lost for a while
Let me wipe away your tears.”
“Down those cold dark roads you were never alone
I was always there.”
...”There’s no more need to fear.”

“It’s only sin.
It’ll wash away and you’ll be new again.
It’s only sin.
And my love for you, it will never end.
I’ve been waiting for this day...for you to look my way.
It’s only sin.”

In short, the devil sees someone who is addicted, weak and hopeless and says trust me, just do this to make it all go away. Like come on it's only sin, no big deal...if you don't do it now you'll do it later, just get it over with. Then she surprises him by praying and asks for forgiveness. The Lord says of course I'll forgive you and I agree that it's only sin...everyone has some, but I can get rid of it.
I have tried to think of something different to go in the place of "it's only sin", but nothing else seems to work because the devil says it in a patronizing/bullying fashion and the Lord says it in a nurturing and loving way. Not trying to downplay sin...just the contrast of good and evil. I sincerely appreciate all of your great comments and I will look at all of it again to see how I can make the story clearer and see how I can end it with something more like what you suggested.

Thank you again! KL

Last edited on Thu May 20th, 2021 02:51 am by KLMartin

Back To Top 


 Posted: Thu May 20th, 2021 09:14 pm
  PMQuoteReply
4th Post
Andrea
Moderator
 

Joined: Tue Nov 27th, 2018
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York USA
Posts: 2373
Favorite Artist: Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Online
Sorry to keep at you, but I really like the idea, so will offer more feedback.

'She was left out on the sidewalk
…just like the morning news.
Still just a kid, but understood
…and knew what she had to do.>>>>- (Survive on the streets, no matter what it takes)
It was the cold, hard truth.

IMO, I think this needs to be more direct. Who left her on the street and why? What does she believe will help her survive? Did her parents kick her out because she was using drugs, stealing, lying... ? Where the parents harmful to her, and she left? I think a better set will help as the story progresses.

As the years passed by, the youth in her eyes
…vanished without a trace.
She was left with scars on her soul and arms>>>- (Everything has taken a toll and she's ready to give up)
…alone and so afraid.
That’s when she heard her name.

If you can make a visual here, it will help connect the reader/listener to the character. What did she actually do to survive? The scars on her arms definitely implies drug use to me.

When the Devil says "Let me tell you what to take.” I thought he was telling her what drugs to take. To me this didn't make sense because she was already hooked on drugs.

"It's only sin". I do like this as a hook, but maybe 'Humans sin' would work better.

:)



____________________
Andrea
Back To Top


 Posted: Sun Jun 13th, 2021 12:59 am
  PMQuoteReply
5th Post
sapphire2685
Member
 

Joined: Fri Jun 11th, 2021
Location:  
Posts: 9
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Very nice song about temptation! It portrays it in a very realistic and almost tangible way. The rhyme scheme is nice too.

Back To Top 


 Posted: Sat Aug 14th, 2021 10:17 pm
  PMQuoteReply
6th Post
wkamen
Member
 

Joined: Tue Jun 5th, 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 112
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: Other
Status: 
Offline
This is good, I do not think its too vague, you need to let your listeners use their own imagination which you have done. If you try to tell them everything then you may as well write a book.



____________________
Bill Kamen
Back To Top


Current time is 02:08 pm

Top



UltraBB 1.172 Copyright © 2007-2016 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1685 seconds (19% database + 81% PHP). 26 queries executed.