The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters Home 

Welcome to The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters!
Please log on to view our discussion forum in its entirety.

 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank  
AuthorPost
Seamus2
Member
 

Joined: Mon Jul 22nd, 2019
Location:  
Posts: 114
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
I love the bright lights
love the neon glow
darkness broken by man
he puts on his nightly show

The high streets come alive
all signs become bright
music blares from inside bars
as neon breaks the night

the warm glow entices
the weary and the old
the signs are all screaming
come in from the cold

come look at our bargains
come and watch our show
come and see our offers
under the neon glow

I sure love the neon lights
even watch them from afar
warming up my lonely nights
like my own little stars

CopyrightAlanEvans22022020

RainyDayMan
TSF Administrator


Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 7152
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Got a simple easy style to it that should fit into a country genre.

I like your opening line.

In line 2, I would try to avoid using "love" again.
You might borrow a line from further down and make it "under the neon glow" here too.

In line 3 "broken" has a slightly negative connotation, which I don't think you want. Maybe "broken up" instead?

In v2, l2 I'd use "becoming" or "turning" rather than "become"

In v3 "screaming" again has that negative tone. If you can find something more like "beckoning" that might fit better.

Andrea
Moderator
 

Joined: Tue Nov 27th, 2018
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York USA
Posts: 2195
Favorite Artist: Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
This is a neat idea for a song. The last verse is my favorite. It adds a positive feeling of comfort and happiness.


UltraBB 1.172 Copyright © 2007-2016 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1387 seconds (10% database + 90% PHP). 26 queries executed.