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Sidewalk Soft Shoe
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Thu Feb 20th, 2020 04:30 pm
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cmaja
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This is based on an actual experience that took place in SF, CA many years ago. CMA

Sidewalk Soft Shoe
____________Verse/Chorus

Verse 1:
Neon lights in autumn nights
Reflecting hues on wet cement
Downtown dressed in dark delights
Of dire nightmares still undreamt
Hazy fog above the streets
Drops misty rain before my eyes
Fuzzy diamonds descend in sheets
That paint the streets in a rainbow glow

Verse 2:
Never thought I’d see this sight
In brown and black in old soft shoes
He bows and clicks his heels twice
As barroom music spill the blues
For his dance of silent steps
He smiles at me and winks his eye
Twirls around and repeats his reps
As his feet float o’er the concrete floor

Chorus:
A sidewalk soft shoe like I’d never seen before
A first-rate show done outside a barroom door
He should be up in lights
Decked out all in white
Glittered shoes dancing on a marble floor
Instead of tryna make it through the night

Bridge:
Could it be he’d too much wine
Could it be a troubled mind
Or’s it that he served hard time
It didn’t matter what the dues
There’s magic in his shoes
I’d give him all my dough
But I need to make it home
Though his dance is etched upon my soul

Chorus:
A sidewalk soft shoe like I’d never seen before
A first-rate show done outside a barroom door
He should be up in lights
Decked out all in white
Glittered shoes dancing on a marble floor
Instead of tryna make it through the night

Verse 3:
Hat fills up with coins and bills
He smiles again and takes a bow
Shivers in the midnight chill
With weathered face and silvered brows
Seems about my father’s age
He vanishes inside the night
And I stand on his concrete stage
And wishing he’d do his dance once more

Chorus:
A sidewalk soft shoe like I’d never seen before
A first-rate show done outside a barroom door
He should be up in lights
Decked out all in white
Glittered shoes dancing on a marble floor
Instead of tryna make it through the night

© 2020 Charles M Anderson

Last edited on Tue Mar 3rd, 2020 05:05 pm by cmaja



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 Posted: Thu Feb 20th, 2020 09:11 pm
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RainyDayMan
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I like this one a lot Charles. The imagery is really strong all the way through. The first verse is quite poetic, then develops into story mode after that.

In v1 it would be nice to avoid dark and darkened on consecutive lines. I particularly like the alliteration on "dark delights" so maybe gloomy or something like that on the next line?
Drop > Drops
descend > falls (to reduce a syllable)
I like your sheets/streets internal rhyme there too.

In V2:
I > I'd
and old soft shoes > of old soft shoes
I really like 'He smiles at me and winks his eye' there's just so much personality in that one line.

Chorus is strong.
A first-rate show outside the barroom door > A first-rate show performed outside a barroom door (depending on the syllable count/flow you want there)
I like the meaning of the last two lines, but "patrons pay him more" doesn't feel quite perfect there.

Bridge is good, I like the thoughts about how he ended up in this situation and I especially like 'his dance is etched upon my soul'

V3 is another good one.
'He smiles again and take a bow' You've made him so damn likeable!
'With weathered face and silvered brows' another great line

Enjoyed that a lot.



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 Posted: Fri Feb 21st, 2020 05:17 am
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cmaja
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RainyDayMan wrote:
I like this one a lot Charles. The imagery is really strong all the way through. The first verse is quite poetic, then develops into story mode after that.

In v1 it would be nice to avoid dark and darkened on consecutive lines. I particularly like the alliteration on "dark delights" so maybe gloomy or something like that on the next line?
Drop > Drops
descend > falls (to reduce a syllable)
I like your sheets/streets internal rhyme there too.

In V2:
I > I'd
and old soft shoes > of old soft shoes
I really like 'He smiles at me and winks his eye' there's just so much personality in that one line.

Chorus is strong.
A first-rate show outside the barroom door > A first-rate show performed outside a barroom door (depending on the syllable count/flow you want there)
I like the meaning of the last two lines, but "patrons pay him more" doesn't feel quite perfect there.

Bridge is good, I like the thoughts about how he ended up in this situation and I especially like 'his dance is etched upon my soul'

V3 is another good one.
'He smiles again and take a bow' You've made him so damn likable!
'With weathered face and silvered brows' another great line

Enjoyed that a lot.


Hey, RD Man... Thanks for your excellent and thorough critic.

V1: I changed ‘darkened’ to ‘dire,’ and corrected ‘Drop.’ ‘Descend’ works for syllable count and meter.

V2: Changed ‘and old soft shoes’ to ‘in old soft shoes.’

Second line of chorus I changed to: A first-rate show done outside a barroom door. Last line changed to: Instead of tryna make it through the night.

Made a couple of other small changes.

He was extremely likable! I was so taken with him I remember many small details. His dancing was absolutely magical! It was hard to believe what I was experiencing. And the night was a typical San Francisco misty, foggy, light-raining night, full of color and excitement.

I’m happy you enjoyed it.

Charles



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 Posted: Fri Feb 21st, 2020 05:26 am
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RainyDayMan
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Nice! And even better knowing it's based on actual events :)



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 Posted: Fri Feb 21st, 2020 01:17 pm
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Andrea
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It makes sense that this came from your own personal experience - the imagery is so detailed and fitting. The story is loveable and entertaining. I just love it! Bravo!



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 Posted: Fri Feb 21st, 2020 05:23 pm
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SongWriterJoe
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Nice imagery. Good kinesthetic synthesis as well. Puts the listener in the venue, the "stage setting" of the place you painted with
your detailed descriptions. Kudos!

SWJ



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 Posted: Fri Feb 21st, 2020 07:26 pm
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cmaja
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Thanks, Joe... My intent then is realized. It’s basically how I remember the imagery. Glad you like it!

And Andrea... Your loving it means a lot to me. And it’s oh such a bittersweet memory... Thank you.

Charles

Last edited on Fri Feb 21st, 2020 11:08 pm by cmaja



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 Posted: Sat Feb 22nd, 2020 11:41 am
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M.P. Dudash
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Interesting story. It puts you right there in the moment. Nice work



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 Posted: Sat Feb 22nd, 2020 04:52 pm
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cmaja
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Yea, Mike... When I was in the moment on that San Francisco night, I completely lost track of time. Almost like it didn’t exist. I think I was with some friends and they probably had to pull me away. I was mesmerized.

Charles



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