View single post by Andrea
 Posted: Mon Jun 7th, 2021 07:58 pm
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Andrea

 

Joined: Tue Nov 27th, 2018
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York USA
Posts: 2293
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I think the story is very intriguing a good idea for a song.

I think the POV is confusing. Third person POV might work best (but don't capitalize 'he'). Possibly even first person could work.

Here are some more thoughts to use or lose:

Rain or Shine
v1]He was never one to waste His time,>>- This line doesn't fit for me.
but then His whole world disappeared.
The little girl He loved so much, would never come home again.

v2]The signs and pictures on the store front doors, have mostly faded >>- this made me think she was lost/abducted
away, sometimes Her face takes me back
to Our younger, brighter days. >>- the change in POV was confusing here.

chorus
Dad came home from work that day >>- a child POV doesn't fit well with V1. I would stick to third person POV
He was never the same man.
He sits on a bench He built for His girl... bows His head,
Rain or Shine..

Bridge:
All of the love
will never bring them back again >>- you say 'them', but he the father hasn't passed yet.
you keep a heart wide open,
love is always going to win.

>>- IMO this part, with some tweaks would work well as the chorus.

v3] Came as no suprise to me
when We laid him next to Her
I said a prayer....and said good-bye

I think this part could work as a bridge. It introduces something new (the dad dying).

chorus 2
Dad came home from work that day
He was never the same man.
He sat on a bench He built, for his girl...
bowed His head...Rain or Shine..
tag:
through those years...Rain or Shine..



____________________
Andrea
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