View single post by Andrea
 Posted: Thu May 20th, 2021 09:14 pm
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Andrea

 

Joined: Tue Nov 27th, 2018
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York USA
Posts: 2293
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Sorry to keep at you, but I really like the idea, so will offer more feedback.

'She was left out on the sidewalk
…just like the morning news.
Still just a kid, but understood
…and knew what she had to do.>>>>- (Survive on the streets, no matter what it takes)
It was the cold, hard truth.

IMO, I think this needs to be more direct. Who left her on the street and why? What does she believe will help her survive? Did her parents kick her out because she was using drugs, stealing, lying... ? Where the parents harmful to her, and she left? I think a better set will help as the story progresses.

As the years passed by, the youth in her eyes
…vanished without a trace.
She was left with scars on her soul and arms>>>- (Everything has taken a toll and she's ready to give up)
…alone and so afraid.
That’s when she heard her name.

If you can make a visual here, it will help connect the reader/listener to the character. What did she actually do to survive? The scars on her arms definitely implies drug use to me.

When the Devil says "Let me tell you what to take.” I thought he was telling her what drugs to take. To me this didn't make sense because she was already hooked on drugs.

"It's only sin". I do like this as a hook, but maybe 'Humans sin' would work better.

:)



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Andrea
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