View single post by KLMartin
 Posted: Thu May 20th, 2021 02:49 am
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KLMartin



Joined: Wed May 12th, 2021
Location: Texas USA
Posts: 12
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Thank you Andrea for taking a real good look at this, that's the kind of feedback that I like! You are correct that some parts are vague and I wanted it to be a little cryptic without spelling everything out, but maybe it's too vague.

She was left out on the sidewalk
…just like the morning news.
Still just a kid, but understood
…and knew what she had to do.>>>>- (Survive on the streets, no matter what it takes)
It was the cold, hard truth.

As the years passed by, the youth in her eyes
…vanished without a trace.
She was left with scars on her soul and arms>>>- (Everything has taken a toll and she's ready to give up)
…alone and so afraid.
That’s when she heard her name.

The devil said “Girl, I run this world
I can take away your pain.”
“Just trust me now, I’ll show you how.
Let me tell you what to take.”>>>- (Alluding to..he wants finish her off and have her soul)
...”This is the only way.”

“It’s only sin.
You may walk away, but you’ll be back again.
It’s only sin.
And it’s far too late in a battle you can’t win.
I’ve been waiting for this day...for you to look my way.
It’s only sin.”

She was wrapped up in the darkness
…ready to stop the fight.>>>- ("end" will work just as well or better...I'm not sure why I used stop)
But she bowed her head, folded her hands
…then began to cry.
Praying into the night.

She said “My Lord I surrender.”
As she fell down to her knees.
“I don’t deserve the right to walk in your light
Can you forgive me please?”>>>- (She hasn't had God in her life the way she has been living)
...”Is it too late for me?”

The Lord said “Child, you’ve been lost for a while
Let me wipe away your tears.”
“Down those cold dark roads you were never alone
I was always there.”
...”There’s no more need to fear.”

“It’s only sin.
It’ll wash away and you’ll be new again.
It’s only sin.
And my love for you, it will never end.
I’ve been waiting for this day...for you to look my way.
It’s only sin.”

In short, the devil sees someone who is addicted, weak and hopeless and says trust me, just do this to make it all go away. Like come on it's only sin, no big deal...if you don't do it now you'll do it later, just get it over with. Then she surprises him by praying and asks for forgiveness. The Lord says of course I'll forgive you and I agree that it's only sin...everyone has some, but I can get rid of it.
I have tried to think of something different to go in the place of "it's only sin", but nothing else seems to work because the devil says it in a patronizing/bullying fashion and the Lord says it in a nurturing and loving way. Not trying to downplay sin...just the contrast of good and evil. I sincerely appreciate all of your great comments and I will look at all of it again to see how I can make the story clearer and see how I can end it with something more like what you suggested.

Thank you again! KL

Last edited on Thu May 20th, 2021 02:51 am by KLMartin

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