View single post by RainyDayMan
 Posted: Sat Aug 22nd, 2020 01:46 am
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RainyDayMan



Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 7152
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I'm guessing the "I never learned to want what I need" part is the chorus. If it isn't it should be!

Great opening lines:
I love a woman that don't love me
And I don't love a woman that does

I like the wry humour there.

Not so keen on this one:
Just ached for what I thought would make me whole
I feel like it should be more:
Just aching for something that's out of reach; or
Just aching for the grass on the other side
or something like that. And that would change the rhyme.

But the next two lines work:
It's no cause for wonder as I wake up today
My whole life's out of control.


Not sure about the next verse. I get that you want to cover different aspects of his life and apply the same theme, but it doesn't feel as tight here.

I'd switch this one to make it more personal:
makes a place feel small > makes me feel small

Just enough bills to fill a Union hall
another good line!

Like the start of the bridge:
If I got what I needed would I know what it was?
If I did as I should would I like what that does?

that's witty as well as making you think

Less keen on the rest of the bridge

Overall, I think the hook and the theme are strong, the wry humourous tone works well and there are some great lines there. Worth investing some more time in.



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