View single post by RainyDayMan
 Posted: Fri Mar 13th, 2020 10:25 pm
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Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 7441
[Moved to the Gospel Lyrics section]

There's a sincerity and passion to this that is appealing. But it feels like it needs some work.

It feels like it is written from personal experience, and that much of that experience isn't there in the lyric, so the context is missing. If you are writing it primarily for yourself, that's ok, but if you want to bring an audience along with you, and make them feel what you feel, then you may need to address that.

"Ever since he was in my life today"
"Ever since" indicates the past. That doesn't fit with "today". Perhaps you did that for effect, but I don't think it works. It's just confusing and doesn't convey much.

"He is always around to save"
Here's some of that missing context. Presumably it was you who was saved, but even that isn't clear, and saved from what? Sin? Suicide?

"We should therefore have faith and pray every"
the rhythm of that eludes me. Also the "therefore" feels wrong. It implies logic from the previous lines that isn't there.

You've written "Day" on its own separate line. It feels like "Every Day" might work better, but that's without hearing musically what you have in mind.

"His love is true
All the things he wants us to do
Christ's love lasts forever"
Those are much stronger and clearer lines

"My situation is now better"
Again context missing. You didn't explain it before and the situation is no clearer here. Also you are jumping between more abstract statements like "his love is true" and very personal statements "my situation..." without any sort of link. It feels adhoc.

"As the day happens what has happened"
that doesn't make sense

Reading between the lines, what I get from this is that you were in a bad place, and that Christ's love saved you and you are thankful for that. But I think that should be in the lines, and not between them.

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