View single post by RainyDayMan
 Posted: Wed Nov 6th, 2019 06:45 am
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RainyDayMan



Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 7035
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I like it Andrea. Interesting and different :)

I like the 'no apologies' attitude here, it fits the lyric nicely.

Good story and it rollicks along.

I get the feeling you have the music already in your head, if not recorded, and if so, the following may not be relevant, but the chorus feels a little short, and stylistically different to the verses. Not sure how they are going to integrate.

It looks like the rhyming scheme is X,X,A,A is that right? If you could pull it off, making the 2nd line rhyme across verses might be a good effect.

In v1 'nurture' didn't feel like a word this guy would use.
Maybe 'I followed the family line' or something like that?

In v2:
School I found a waste of time
like that line!

when the goods are out in the world
'goods' feels a bit out there. Maybe
when the good stuff is out in the world?

all I need are belief and a team
I would prefer 'a plan and a team' here.
I can see how you use 'belief' later on and kind of circle back to this, but to me it's not strong enough.

to achieve my American dream
strong line, which is why it's your hook!!

V3, 'note of demand' feels slightly awkward, but I can't come up with a better alternative.

v4 22 banks in 22 days is certainly extreme! Good for effect.

All good things must come to an end
that was at Fifth and Main

More good lines!

"mirandized" > maybe "mirandarized"?

made away > made off

I like how you end on the chorus. Feels like the right message for this song.



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