The Journey
https://soundcloud.com/user-217604253/the-journey
Just completed. 100% Ai free. All comments welcome. Suggestions. Etc.
Words and Music: Donna Devine and Rick Dieffenbach
Vocals: elenaravelli81 (fiverRR)
Piano: Luca Longoni
Drums: Esteban FiveRR
All else Rick Dieffenbach
V1
Fairy tales and wedding vows
Meant the world to me somehow
But you soon made it clear
That dream was gone
I felt betrayed in every way
Cast into a stormy sea
Afraid deceit
would be my destiny
Chorus
Deep inside I hid the pain
Letting no one enter
Your lies and broken promises
Had made me lose my center
V2
Memories of things you said
Keep on playing in my head
I still can’t figure out
What I did wrong
But as I fight to stay afloat
I hear a voice inside my mind
Saying, “Come on girl, come on girl… it’s time… it’s time – to fly!"
Chorus
Though deep inside I hid the pain
Letting no one enter
Your lies and broken promises
Had made me lose my center
===============================================================
BRIDGE:
Now I’ll turn toward the sun
And only share my inner light
With someone who will hold me tight
My h-e-a-l-i-n-g has begun
…In the distance I see
A beckoning shore
calling out to me
And I’m ready, yes I’m ready to explore
[INSTRUMENTAL]
Outro:
Though deep inside I hid the pain
Letting no one enter
For lies and broken promises
Had made me lose my center
Oh, there is a beckoning shore
Calling out to me
Here I am, there you are – you’re finally free!
CODA
I’m ready, so ready
I’m on my way
I’m ready, yes I’m ready
For each new splendid day
For each new splendid day
For each new splendid day
For each new splendid day
For each new splendid day
For each new splendid day
Comments
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Hey Rick lovely song , nice changes going on and lovely vocalist , Nicely written also
Good job man
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Hello and welcome! This is a lovely song.
I don't know if you are writing for pleasure or aiming for commercial success, but it feels like you've put some effort into the production so I'm going to comment as if it's the latter.
For commercial purposes, I think the main issue is that this style of music feels very old-fashioned. It's hard for me to imagine it making a lot of income in today's environment. If you are trying for commercial success, you need to aim for a market and an audience.
I think a strong hook related to the title is critical for sticking in people's minds. "The Journey" is definitely a good description of the lyric, but it isn't tied to a hook, and may be less memorable for that reason. If people don't remember it, they can't go looking for it.
Some of the phrases feel a bit stilted, ie not conversational. for example:
Afraid deceit
would be my destiny
There are, of course, songs with quite poetic lyrics where this would fit in naturally, but the majority of this song feels more narrative than poetic.
All of that makes it sound like I didn't enjoy the song, which is not true. I liked it, I just don't think it's commercial. If you are writing for your enjoyment, then I congratulate you on a lovely song!
BTW, please leave feedback for others while you are here. We ask you to comment on two songs from other people for each one of your own that you post. It's the exchange of ideas that makes the site work.
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I love the lyric. I haven't yet listened because I like to experience the lyric "on paper" first and try to predict how it will sound with the music. This should be really good with the music. The short lines often lead to exceptional music. I'll go listen now.
1 -
I loved lt. I kind of knew I was going to like it from reading the lyric. But this went WAY beyond my expectations. I think it's an excellent song.
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Wow, that’s great! Love how it has a bit of a 70s pop vibe. It’s true that it wouldn’t make it commercially viable as RDM said, but I think it sounds way better than commercial stuff anyway. Honestly I can’t find anything wrong with it. It’s just a really solid collab all the way around.1
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Thank you all. It's a song of expression/love of music, not aimed commercially. And yeah it's dated because I guess I am :) I came up with the 4 chord verse sequence when I was in high school and never could find a song to use it in.... and that's when the Beatles were still a going concern. :) Dated!
The song has been updated somewhat - but still basically the same tune:
https://soundcloud.com/user-217604253/the-journey-revised-111925
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I didn't know you were on this forum!!! Hi, I'm so happy to rediscover this beautiful song. It takes me back to another time; the melody has something familiar about it, something timeless, the voice, the piano, the overall softness of the sound—everything is sweet!!! And the lyrics are gorgeous!!!!
1
Howdy, Stranger!