The spell
Comments and feedback are welcome as usual.
RK
THE SPELL
I know where you go when you leave A‘
It always breaks my heart in two
But I can not change what you do
And I’m too weak to change myself
Oh let me feel your fingertips
I cling to you, your tender touch
All my shame and sorrows vanish
When you’re near, when you kiss my lips
Always scared that your phone might ring
That it pulls me out of my dream A+
To hear that voice, my enemy’s
And asking you why you’re not back home
How dumb of me to think you’re mine
Never been your first choice in life
But if I look into your eyes
I am someone, I’m feeling fine
Under your spell. B
I lose myself
Under your spell
All defenses down
Under your spell
I lose myself
Dancing like a clown
I lose myself
All defenses down
No matter how hard I’m trying. C
I’m sick of all this crying
No matter how hard I’m trying
Something inside of me is dying
No matter how hard I’m trying
So sick of all this crying
My tears won’t ever be drying
Till I stand up and break the spell
When I face that I let myself down
When I face that your lying
How dumb of me to call you mine A*
I’ve never been your number one
But if I look into your eyes
-I’m lost, have lost, game is over-
Oh damn it, I’m feeling fine…
©️by Ian P./ 14.01.2025/for: VALENTINE+B
Comments
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Definitely has a different vibe to some of your others. I think I see that French influence, a sultry, sophisticated tone to it.
I love your opening verse, I think that's very strong.
I like the story in v2. It doesn't feel quite as tight as v1 though. I'd try to change "how dumb" it doesn't seem to match the tone. Maybe "A foolish dream to think you're mine"?
Chorus is strong, I like that.
In your Bridge it feels like 1 too many repetitions on "No matter how hard I’m trying". You might be able to drop the 3rd one and leave the rest as is.
For your ending it feels a bit out to end on "I'm feeling fine" given everything that came before. Maybe stop at "game is over"? or add something like "you've won again"?
And I like the title too.
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Nice piece RK, I like the storyline very much, have to agree with RDM's comments though.
Would suggest a review of the outro, that's a weak spot.
Enjoyed the song, thanks for posting.
Sid
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Thanks Owen and Sid! You marked the weak spots that I too have had in mind. I especially wasn’t completely happy with C.
But I think I worked something out. Let me know if the new version is better. Didn’t do much, but I think it helps the flow.
Special thanks to Owen for your first words! I really appreciate them cause they mean that I’m growing….0 -
THE SPELL
I know where you go when you leave A‘
It always breaks my heart in two
But I can not change what you do
And I’m too weak to change myself
Oh let me feel your fingertips
I cling to you, your tender touch
All my shame and sorrows vanish
When you’re near, when you kiss my lips
Always scared that your phone might ringA+
That it pulls me out of my dream
To hear that voice, my enemy’s
And asking you why you’re not back home
Silly of me to think you’re mine
Never been your first choice in life
But if I look into your eyes
I am strong, I’m feeling fine
Under your spell. B
I lose myself
Under your spell
All defenses down
Under your spell
I lose myself
Dancing like a clown
I lose myself
All defenses down
No matter how hard I’m trying. C
I’m sick of all this crying
No matter how hard I’m trying
Something inside of me is dying
My tears won’t ever be drying
Till I stand up and break the spell
When I face that I let myself down
When I face that your lying
Silly of me to call you mine A*
I’ve never been your number one
But if I look into your eyes
-I’m lost, have lost, game is over-
But still I dream of feeling fine
©️by Ian P./ 14.01.2025/for: VALENTINE+B0 -
Well done, Ian. Smoother now.
1 -
Thanks Owen!0
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