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CHEAP
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 Posted: Fri Jul 16th, 2010 01:59 pm
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alytrain
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CHEAP

(c) 2010 Amber Train

V1:

slip on my heels

I bite my lips

Light a cigarette

Freshen my gin



Hope you don’t call

Saying you won’t come

I cross my legs

then check the phone

Chorus:

Rush to the door when you knock

Play it cool give you my cheek

I say please sit before

you make the place look cheap

V2:

I sit then get up

get you a beer

While I’m up I take

another look in the mirror



I loosen my hair

Slip off my heels

Doubt if you're sincere

Veil how I feel

Chorus:

You know you’ve already won

So you make as if to leave

I say please sit before

you make the place look cheap

Bridge:

Uncross my legs

Lie back on the couch

We move to the bed

Soon the sun is up

Chorus:

You know you’ve already won

So you make as if to leave

I hope you go before

you see me feelin cheap


Last edited on Sun Jul 18th, 2010 04:20 pm by alytrain



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 Posted: Fri Jul 16th, 2010 02:08 pm
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terrypicker
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Interesting!  I'll have to think on this one and reply later. :)



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 Posted: Fri Jul 16th, 2010 09:40 pm
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Mike Stacey
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This song as I read it is that this woman is in love with a man that is married she wants more he onley wants a fling. To me this is a song that has been writen before not exactly like this it has alot of emotion and pain in it. I thank the wording could be changed a little in some spots but I like the song nice job



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 Posted: Sat Jul 17th, 2010 01:04 am
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SongWriter2947
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This song is strong in visuals for me. When I read it I see and hear a song in a whole different time period. Maybe late forties, early fifties. I know you have it under country lyrics but I hear more of a jazz ballad. I think you've managed to create some great tension in the lyrics as well which I really like. Your certainly can say a lot in your song with few lyrics and that's a good thing. Nice job.



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 Posted: Sat Jul 17th, 2010 01:05 am
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blukatnga
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My, my, my Aly..."Please sit, before you make the place look cheap"....where does this come from ?? just so new to me for sure. Love it !

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 Posted: Sat Jul 17th, 2010 01:31 am
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alytrain
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Mike, thanks for taking some time with it.  I hadn't really planned that the man was married, so its interesting that was what you took from it.  Either way, she is a sad case!  I may still be tweaking the language as time goes on, if you have any specific ideas, let me know.  Thanks!



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 Posted: Sat Jul 17th, 2010 01:34 am
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alytrain
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Songwriter, that's interesting that this is the music popping up for you.  I'm definitely envisioning something smoky, that isn't necessarily country.  Sometimes a tune comes almost immediately for a set of lyrics, but it hasn't yet for this one.  Anyway, I'm real glad you like it!



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 Posted: Sat Jul 17th, 2010 01:38 am
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alytrain
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Gosh Darrell, I'm not sure where it comes from.  I guess its just a colloquilism I heard growing up- maybe kind of a southern phrase.  But I always took it to mean you'd ask your guest to please sit down and if they weren't sitting, it showed a lack of class for not inviting your guest to do so . . . I'll have to google it and see where the phrase comes from and if it  means what I think.  Glad you like it!



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 Posted: Sat Jul 17th, 2010 02:01 am
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alytrain
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So Darrell, apparently most the rest of the world hasn't heard of that saying either, I think it may just be a saying local to basically the state I grew up in.  I searched multiple ways for reference to this phrase, and searched deep into the search engines, and I only found one obscure reference to a similar phrase "sit before you make the place look poor" in the 2006 O'Henry Prize stories, in a short story by Edward P. Jones.  Although the interesting thing, is the story is set in Washington DC, which of course is right next door to where I grew up in Maryland.  So I guess its pretty obscure except for that small area of the country, to my surprise!



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 Posted: Sat Jul 17th, 2010 02:16 am
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terrypicker
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Sorry AT I was too far out of focus and running late this A:M: to give any focused reply.  :)  Any Who!  Yes this is a Sultry/Adultry type of thing, which many are drawn to, of course.
In the second half of the second vs,  you let out a sly little remark that could lead to more in the story. IMHO For the first time in the story there is some regret shown for where her emotions or concience is at for real.  
Pretend I don’t care
Veil how I feel

Perhaps it's a business arrangement or a Spite thing, or maybe she's getting the goods on this guy for her friend or maybe she's working on a promotion or Black mail. Whatever the case, maybe you could give him Name/Handle and tip off listeners curiousity, then seal it up toward the end with something tangible; such as the cash on the dresser, the video cam on lamp shade or whatever.  What is her motivation for this?

What the heck! If she's going to make the ultimate moral sacrafice in this thing; make it Cheap with a Big price tag of some kind. :)  How's that for a twisted-twist?

I think the song has potential.  I just think there's not enough alure or mistique to satisfy the  audiance curiosity that this song might appeal to. :) IMHO



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 Posted: Sat Jul 17th, 2010 06:10 am
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Missouripicker
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Interesting tale of a sleezy rendevouz at the No Tell Motel. I like the lines---short and abrupt, but still drawing the picture. One thing I did notice:
I loosen my hair

Slip off my heels

Pretend I don’t care

Veil how I feel

The last two lines are redundant. They both say the same thing. I'm guessing that you might have been grasping for a word to rhyme with "heels" and you grabbed "feel." I've been there and done that, many times. Maybe you could say "slip off my heels" in another way or use a different thing gals do at moments like that..lol...(what in hell am I talking about...lol). Anyway, and perhaps I'm wrong, but I think "feel" is kind of a last attempt to fing a meaningful rhyme for "heels."..........I like the writing. You have you're own style. Stay with it.

Last edited on Sat Jul 17th, 2010 06:11 am by Missouripicker



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 Posted: Sat Jul 17th, 2010 10:14 am
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psyve
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Amber,

Very interesting lyric, even though this scenario is the theme of many a song.

I see this as country definitely, and I liked the Southern politeness thang coming thru, this girl's upbringing was definitely genteel, despite the fact that she is  now into a not so genteel relationship.

Like Mike, I too see this man as a married man,  which she knows not-so-deep-down is wrong, and she feels a certain sense of guilt and shame in the sleaziness of the setting and the relationship... yet she cant stop herself.

The anticipation of the tryst is pure bliss... but once he's there,  her morality kicks in, and she at least wants to give the affair a SEMBLANCE of something "not cheap".

That's my take on it .

Nicely conveyed, Amber.

Psyve

 



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 Posted: Sun Jul 18th, 2010 06:57 am
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Janke
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This could be pretty dang cool set to the right music.  There's some suspense maybe that the music could accentuate.  The way the poetry is working you could abbreviate phrases to fit a meter.  I guess I kind of agree about the 'pretend I don't care, veil how I feel' lines, but on the other hand repeating for emphasis is not the same as redundant.  Anyway, maybe another way of looking at it.

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 Posted: Sun Jul 18th, 2010 04:23 pm
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alytrain
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Terry, So I was thinking about your idea of a twist, but can't work my mind around it.  The song I'm trying to write (even though I know its not the most original topice LOL) is the sadness of a woman in love with a man who basically just treats her like a "booty call".  The twist scenario would be more of an empowerment song than a loss song and I'm not sure that is the direction I want to go here.  But the idea you raise is one I'm filing in my brain for a future set of lyrics  - let no good idea go to waste!  As always, I appreciate your thoughtful feedback.



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 Posted: Sun Jul 18th, 2010 04:25 pm
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alytrain
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Thank you Psyve.  I appreciate you taking the time to read through it and give some good feedback!



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 Posted: Sun Jul 18th, 2010 04:27 pm
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alytrain
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Larry and Janke, 

Janke, you are right I was deliberately trying to provide emphasis there, but given that it possibly reads as redundant, I did change that verse (edits are in original post).  So to both of you, thanks a lot for letting me know how the versing felt so I could tweak it.



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