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Weep the Weep of a Widow
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 Posted: Fri Jun 18th, 2010 10:50 pm
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alytrain
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New to song writing.  Any feedback will be humbly and gratefully accepted.

Weep the Weep of a Widow
(c) 2010 Amber Train

WEEP THE WEEP OF A WIDOW:
 
V1:
We married just a month before he left for parris island
Back then I was hardly a woman and he was just legally a man
Yet, thirteen weeks later they called him a marine
Well, in his uniform he looked the proudest he’d been
 
I packed up and moved with him to a place called LeJeune
Away from our families our hometowns, but the pay was a boon
But I’ll never forget that green bus taking him away
to a ship set for Afghanistan, but don’t worry, there’s combat pay.
 
But standin beside me was another wife holdin a sign
She said you better watch yours, they already took mine
 
Bridge:
And she said so softly I couldn’t barely hear, she said darlin, if you’re lucky . . .

Chorus:
 
You’ll weep the weep of a widow,
Then You’ll cry into your pillow
You’ll be able to wash away your sorrow
You’ll be able to start anew tomorrow
 
V2:
I’d watch the television anxious for news
Til I couldn’t watch no more, it left me confused
Letters came sometimes, but I didn’t know him anymore
He left out so much, trying to protect me from war
 
It’d been too long, I knew something was wrong
Til that marine in his dress blues came along
He said its okay ma’am your husband survived
Most others were killed - you’re lucky he’s alive
 
Sometime soon, my husband landed on safe shores
I raced to the base hospital, to the critical floor
My first glimpse of him was of tubing and lights
He couldn’t hear me or see me it was such a long night
 
Such a long night in the first of many
We’d been so naïve about the cost of infantry
Finally he came home in a wheelchair, a baby again
A hollow shell of a man, filled up with horror and pain
 
Bridge:
After a few months of carin for him, I remembered her grief,
in front of that green bus she said i’d be lucky if . . .
 
Chorus:
 
You weep the weep of a widow
You’ll cry into your pillow, then
You’ll be able to wash away your sorrow, and
Somehow you’ll start anew tomorrow
 
V3:
 
I wish I still didn’t understand her words , but now that I do
wishin ain’t no use anymore since my nightmares are true
I used to iron his uniform and polish his boots
Now I’m changin his diaper and mashin his food
 
When the pills have put him to sleep I sit and swing on the porch
The moon sits heavy and low – the ghost of romance’s torch
And I think of his eyes, scared and angry and sorry
And I know what he’s thinkin’, if he could, he'd say darkly
 
Chorus:
 
I wish you coulda wept the weep of a widow
You could’ve  cried into your pillow

then you could’ve washed away your sorrow 
and you could’ve started anew tomorrow.
 
And when I look deeply, I know that its true, sometimes, you see, I wish I’d been widowed too.



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 Posted: Fri Jun 18th, 2010 11:10 pm
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terrypicker
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alytrain, first off I hope you haven't learned this first hand.   Very vividly Mortal.  Story is well told. Reminds us that all in war and peace is not Glory for sure.  It is a bit long, I have that same difficulty with my story songs too.  I haven't heard it so I have no idea how it will time out.   You may still need to make some adjustments in your meter in a few places.  Overall I think it's a story that needs to be told, when we hear the reports on the news they're just impersonal, cold, hard numbers.  Not so for the actual friends and families.  Good original topic from a survivors' point of view.



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 Posted: Fri Jun 18th, 2010 11:17 pm
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alytrain
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Thanks for the response Terry.   Thank god, this is not a first person account, but I feel the pain of those who have been there.  I have sang out the chorus to a tune that seems to work and hope to start working out a melody for the verses over the weekend.  I imagine I will have to tighten up some of the verses to get the timing right.  Also, I will keep in mind your comment about the length. I've worried so far that some of my lyrics in other songs are too short, but I just kept writing away on this one.  But sometimes shorter really does give more impact.  I'll post an update when I've tightened things up.  Thanks again!



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 Posted: Fri Jun 18th, 2010 11:47 pm
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terrypicker
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Sometimes less is more.  But you're right to keep writing while the thinking is locked in.  You can always come back later and condense or cut or whatever.  But the more you think and write about something the more material you have to work with. At least that's my thinking.



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 Posted: Sat Jun 19th, 2010 02:17 am
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Mike Morman
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definately has good bones Alytrain!  Sadly many people have had to go through the loss that you describe vividly.

Have you played through it to see how long it is??  I probably would just stick with one bridge if it were me but to each his own.

I always try to say the most I can with the fewest words possible but some topics are just difficult to be concise with and I think this is probably one of them.  Thanks for sharing and keep on writing!!
MM

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 Posted: Sat Jun 19th, 2010 05:00 pm
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alytrain
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I started work last night tightening this song up.  The feedback is terrific to get me focused. Sometimes I get too enamored of the words I'm using and forget to take a step back to make sure its serving the purpose of the song.

Unfortunately I can't work out a tune in my head for this one yet, except for the chorus.  Once I get that in place, it will force me to make sure it holds together as a song. 

Thanks again Terry and Mike.  You guys are great!



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 Posted: Sat Jun 19th, 2010 05:23 pm
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terrypicker
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Hey good luck with that my friend, I'm sure it will all come together for you.  I'm in the process of building a little studio right now.  I havent had a place yo record now for a couple years.  I have a few hundred songs to do something with, so I can truly sympathize withyou.  



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 Posted: Wed Jun 23rd, 2010 05:17 pm
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blukatnga
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Say what you want to say Amber. Pay no mind to the lenth of the piece write now. I dont really feel the tune has a length problem per se right now. I feel it has a metre problem that is sometimes hard to justify when writing a "story" song. You might need to set it aside and come back later with a different view. It will reveal itself to you sooner or later cause like the others have already said, This is a story that needs telling. Hold on to this one no matter.
"Finally, He came home in a wheelchair, A baby again"........really nice !!

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 Posted: Wed Jun 23rd, 2010 05:38 pm
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alytrain
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You must be reading my mind.  I really want this song to work, but I have decided to let it simmer on the back burner of my brain for a bit.  It wants to get told, but it wants to get told right!



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 Posted: Wed Jun 23rd, 2010 05:40 pm
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alytrain
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Oh, and by the way, Weep the Weep 2.0 is the last version of the song I did before I tucked it away. Thanks for your support on this one.



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 Posted: Wed Jun 23rd, 2010 08:57 pm
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blukatnga
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Yup, Sometimes our little "babies" are just not ready yet to be born !! 

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 Posted: Fri Jun 25th, 2010 01:17 am
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SundownSam
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Amber, when you say you're 'new to songwriting' I don't how new you mean but if you mean really new, then girl you definitely have a knack for it! I've read through all of the ones you have posted so far and I have to say on a couple of them you have certainly come up with some unusual and unique things to write about! lol But, like I always say there's absolutely NOTHING a song can't be written about! Just to prove my point... I once challenged one of our members here to write a song about bird poop and he pulled it off! lol 

This is a very touching song story. When I got to the part that says..if you're lucky...you'll weep the weep of a widow...I couldn't quite wrap my head around how that could be lucky. But as I read on and reached the end of the story of course I finally understood...but boy was it a sad realization.

I see you have gotten some very good input on it...but I also see it is in time out at the moment while you think on it some more. I have to do this myself with a lot of the lyrics I write. Sometimes one or two lines will be the hold up but without them the song just don't work! My only nit is I do think it's a bit long but unless you're planning to pitch it then I say do whatever feels good. :)



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 Posted: Fri Jun 25th, 2010 01:34 am
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alytrain
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Wow, I've received such great support being here.  I stumbled into this forum when I was researching what kind of guitar to buy to learn on.  Totally random, or maybe the better term is serendipitous.  I am brand new to songwriting.  I literally wrote my first song exactly 9 days ago (Mama He's Mine) and have been writing like a maniac since.  Now that being said, I've been writing for years - trying to turn out short stories, poetry, sketches, but nothing ever clicked for me like this has.  I finally feel like I found a place to get it all out.  Anyway, I feel so energized by this experience and so very very lucky to have found all you guys.  THANKS!  On a lighter note, where can I find that bird poop song?  Sounds hilarious!

P.S. the last version of weep the weep was the 2.0 I posted.  But yes, I think I just need to let it sit on its own for a bit.



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 Posted: Fri Jun 25th, 2010 02:02 am
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SundownSam
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Amber, it took me a minute to track it down but I finally located it. It's on page 7 in Country Lyrics. 



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 Posted: Fri Jun 25th, 2010 02:12 am
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SundownSam
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Oh! Sorry, I forget to tell you it's by Roy Harris. Knowing who the song is written by usually helps you to be able to find it a little quicker.   



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 Posted: Fri Jun 25th, 2010 02:37 am
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DBloodworth
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Amber,

The longest I ever took to write a song was 6 years.  The shortest song I ever wrote was probably measurable in years too, but the point is...don't rush it.  Songs have a way of creating themselves when the timing is right.  Sometimes it's a fast and furious boil and sometimes it's a slow simmer, but the surest way to have something that falls short is to rush it.

I really like what you've started with, but I agree with Terry that you'll have to tighten up the meter (and a couple of the rhymes) along the way.   It's a great idea, and could be extremely powerful when  you're done.   Stay with it, and keep us updated with your progress.



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 Posted: Fri Jun 25th, 2010 02:44 am
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blukatnga
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I dont have the expertise right now but I am confident there are several folks here who could help produce some of her stuff pretty quick. I would love to hear "Mama He's Mine" the minute it's ready !! We might have a star on our hands !! Of course standard copywrite infringement orientation of the bi-polar disconfiguration of the applicable .........will apply !!!

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 Posted: Fri Jun 25th, 2010 02:46 am
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alytrain
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Thanks for taking the time to comment.  You are right on, especially about a song like this.  Its important enough to write right and I'm happy to let it come to fruition in its own time.  When I come back around to it, I'll post a revised version and hope for more great feedback!

Amber



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 Posted: Fri Jun 25th, 2010 03:30 am
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alytrain
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Blukatnga, its fabulous having your support.  I don't know anything at all about the production side, putting things to music, etc. etc.  I would like to hear some of the concepts carried through though, so if anyone has specific leads I'd love to learn more!



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 Posted: Fri Jun 25th, 2010 04:31 am
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Angriest Dog
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Another nice one Alytrain.  You've written all these in just the last nine days? Andy Warhol would've loved you!

-A.D.



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