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| Posted: Wed Apr 21st, 2010 12:03 am |
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1st Post |
Andy
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Well, here I go again.....thoughts, comments........all positive of course! 
________________________________________________________
My Lost Love
Copyright by Andy Chumbley April 2010
Verse 1
She closed the door a while back
Why, I’ll never know
Sitting here alone I’ve lost track
My heart is heavy, my head hangs low
Verse 2
Things have changed, I know the fear
Of one I lost, the one so dear
Emotional wounds are hard to heal
From a love so distant, it’s still not real
Chorus
She’s not around to hear my plea
I will send a prayer up above
As I fall to my knee
Remembering my lost love
Verse 3
Will she ever return for me to hold?
I’ve lost my lover, my friend you know
Still I don’t know what I’ve done
I fear my downfall has begun
Chorus
Verse 4
But one day soon I hope it to be
My dreams will come true
When I see you and hold you
And share the love we once knew
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| Posted: Thu Apr 22nd, 2010 01:16 am |
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Dennis Railey
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Hey Andy, nice writing... it flows as smooth as silk. I'm not sure about having four verses, but other than that, it's all good.
____________________
NEWS ALERT!!! The Mayans got their printing press fixed and have issued their new calendar. The world won't be ending in 2012 after all!
http://www.jamwave.com/artist.aspx?AID=5567
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| Posted: Thu Apr 22nd, 2010 03:40 am |
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SundownSam
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Hi Andy, sorry for taking so long to get to around to reading your lyric. It is indeed a nice write, but there's a couple of things I'd like to point out that I hope will be helpful to you.
In verses 1 and 4 you're rhyming every other line,
Verse 1
She closed the door a while back
Why, I’ll never know
Sitting here alone I’ve lost track
My heart is heavy, my head hangs low
Verse 4
But one day soon I hope it to be
My dreams will come true
When I see you and hold you
And share the love we once knew
But in verses 2 and 3 you're rhyming back to back lines......
Verse 2
Things have changed, I know the fear
Of one I lost, the one so dear
Emotional wounds are hard to heal
From a love so distant, it’s still not real
Verse 3
Will she ever return for me to hold?
I’ve lost my lover, my friend you know
Still I don’t know what I’ve done
I fear my downfall has begun
The rhyming scheme really should be the same in a song to make for easier singing.
One other thing and then I'll go away and leave you in peace. lol
As a rule 4 verses in a song is a bit much but you're kinda ok with this one because it's not unusual for a verse to have as many as 8 lines in it and in a way that's kind of what you got here since you're singing all eight lines of the two verses before the chorus. So, under these circumstances if you were to go ahead and combine the first two verses and turn it into one verse then it would sort of be the same only instead of 4 separate verses you would now just have 2. (See below) But if you do this, be sure you don't do as I do with a lot of my songs and add another 8 line verse, especially if you're planning to pitch it to a publisher or you wish for it to have commercial value... and the reason for this is, it will probably be too long time wise if you do. 3 1/2 minutes, or in the neighborhood thereof, is the normal playing time for a song. So instead of adding a third verse, if you feel it needs something else then add a bridge.
Andy, not everyone's writing habits and styles are the same, so what works for one may not necessarily work for others, but I hope these two little tips will be helpful to you. But just so you know, the standard rule here on our two cents worth of suggestions is always 'keep or sweep' so please feel free to do so. 
Verse 1
She closed the door a while back
Why, I’ll never know
Sitting here alone I’ve lost track
My heart is heavy, my head hangs low
Things have changed, I know the fear
Of one I lost, the one so dear
Emotional wounds are hard to heal
From a love so distant, it’s still not real
Chorus
Verse 2
Will she ever return for me to hold?
I’ve lost my lover, my friend you know
Still I don’t know what I’ve done
I fear my downfall has begun
But one day soon I hope it to be
My dreams will come true
When I see you and hold you
And share the love we once knew
Chorus
Last edited on Thu Apr 22nd, 2010 12:13 pm by SundownSam
____________________
First you write it with your heart - then you re-write it with your head
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=1021080
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| Posted: Thu Apr 22nd, 2010 04:48 am |
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Andy
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Wow, thanks for the nice comments.....both of you. I really appreciate the information. I actually thought about the rhyming problems but didn't bother to correct it. I also didn't realize that I could have as many lines in the verse. I was aware of song length because when I choreograph a dance I try and keep the song I use to three minutes-or-so. Many thanks again.
Andy
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| Posted: Thu Apr 22nd, 2010 12:42 pm |
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SundownSam
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Andy, just so folks won't think I'm trying to takeover your song, I'd like for them to know that you have asked me do to what I'm doing here on your thread in the way of offering you some songwriting tips and that I didn't just take it on myself to come here and rip your song apart. With that said, in answer to your latest question....
....yes, even though the verses have now been combined you do still need to correct the rhyming scheme, it will make the song flow more evenly when singing it. As I said in my above post....rhyme either every other line or rhyme them back to back, but I think you have a good thing going with every other line so if it were my song I would stick with that, this is the general rule of thumb anyway. Songs sometimes only have 6 lines in their verses but the rule for rhyming changes when you do it this way and keep in mind there are other types of songs structures too, but I can only tell you about the ones I'm personally familiar with. However, I'll have to tell you about them later because right now I'm late for work. LOL But maybe while I'm at work today someone will see this and be so kind as to explain it to you.
Folks, Andy told me he really and honestly want's to learn how to do this songwriting thing we all love so much, so if you feel inclined, please offer him any advice and songwriting tips you feel will help him further learn it. Thanks.
Last edited on Sat Apr 24th, 2010 07:49 pm by SundownSam
____________________
First you write it with your heart - then you re-write it with your head
http://www.soundclick.com/bands/page_music.cfm?bandID=1021080
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| Posted: Thu Apr 22nd, 2010 03:17 pm |
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Andy
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Sara, once again thanks for the information. I personally wouldn't feel that way about anyone taking over my song but human nature in some cases might. That is exactly why I asked for your input via e-mail.
I am serious about writing some of my own songs and eventually I will get the job done. They probably won't be good enough to sell but they sure will be used in the dances I choreograph.
I play the guitar so I am familiar with chord progressions but the melody is something I need to study up on. I have purchased several books to get some ideas.
I hope this thread gets others to chime in too. I need information from those that have done it and not have to depend entirely on my "books." Many thanks again, Andy
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| Posted: Sat Apr 24th, 2010 03:15 pm |
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Arthur Holt
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Hey Andy , thought i might add some info about the girl to the chorus, Keep or sweep.
Chorus
My lost love with hair of golden curls
and a shape so devine , just rocked my world
her voice is so sweet , like honey from the bees
She’s not around to hear my plea so
I'll send a prayer up above
they'll know who I'm thinking of
Remembering my lost love
____________________
I try to "THINK" but nothing happens.Curly Howard
http://www.soundclick.com/arthurholt
http://www.reverbnation.com/arthurholt
Let's make some music ,
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| Posted: Sat Apr 24th, 2010 03:44 pm |
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Andy
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Very nice Art, that gives me another direction to consider. Thanks... ;o)
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