The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters Home 

Welcome to The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters!
Please log on to view our discussion forum in its entirety.

The Devil's On My Shoulder
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
 Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Sat Apr 8th, 2006 02:17 am
  PMQuoteReply
1st Post
Mai
Member


Joined: Tue Apr 4th, 2006
Location: British Columbia Canada
Posts: 87
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: 
Status: 
Offline
The Devil’s On My Shoulder

© mai prosser 2006

1.)
I drove all the way to Vegas
With gambling on my mind
For bright lights and pretty gals
I left my girl behind.
Man! I blew a bundle,
At the tables and the track
Returned with empty pockets
Thumbing my way back 

 
Chorus)

The Devil's on my Shoulder
An angel's close behind
The angel whispers common sense
But the devil knows my mind
I listen to them argue
They bicker all the time
When the Devil gets his way
I have no peace of mind. 

 2.)
Little angels frown upon
Women of that kind
Whispered, “She's not right for you
Choose a girl who is refined.”
I was going slumming anyway
The devil danced with glee
The angel swung a two by four
Just missed the back of my knees!


Chorus)
The Devil's on my Shoulder
An angel's close behind
The angel whispers common sense
But the devil knows my mind
I listen to them argue
They bicker all the time
When the Devil gets his way
I have no peace of mind.



3.)
The angel’s always harping
About my sinful ways
But the devil’s dancing 'round me
Trying not to be replaced.
I wonder where I'll be
When I’m old and gray
But the Devil’s on my shoulder
And always gets his way

Chorus)
The Devil's on my Shoulder
An angel's close behind
The angel whispers common sense
But the devil knows my mind
I listen to them argue
They bicker all the time
When the Devil gets his way
I have no peace of mind. 

Tag)

They bicker all the time
with the Devil on my shoulder
I have no peace of mind.

Last edited on Sat Apr 8th, 2006 02:20 am by Mai

Back To Top 


 Posted: Sat Apr 8th, 2006 02:48 am
  PMQuoteReply
2nd Post
Jeff Knight
Member


Joined: Tue Jan 10th, 2006
Location: Very East Nashville, Lol, North Carolina USA
Posts: 2299
Favorite Artist: Too many to mention :)
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
MAI: You have the makings of a hit song here.
Very good hook and concept !!! Kudos !!!

But let me tell you my opinion, so keep or sweep :)

I had a great image going in my mind with visuals
all the way through to the end of the 1st Chorus.
Once the 2nd verse started, I lost the visuals and
had to start thinking in abstract. This to me, means
that the song lost it's flow starting with the 2nd
verse even though the vusuals kept coming back
temporary in the choruses. Just my opinion as I am
a nobody, so throw this right in the trash can LOL.

Wish I had thought of this hook !!!!
I'm envious ..... grrrrrrr !!!!! LOL :)



____________________
Songwriting is composed of two acts,
first inspiration, and then exploration
Back To Top


 Posted: Sat Apr 8th, 2006 05:06 am
  PMQuoteReply
3rd Post
Mai
Member


Joined: Tue Apr 4th, 2006
Location: British Columbia Canada
Posts: 87
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: 
Status: 
Offline
:Excited:

Hey Jeff.

Glad you liked. It was fun to do.

--but I didn't realize I was losing visuals as I continued. I could 'see' it all.

--but then I was inside my own head--LOL:Really Ticked:

--then strangely enough as I read it again, I can 'see' my original "cartoonish pics"

Any suggestions?

Mai

Back To Top 


 Posted: Sat Apr 8th, 2006 02:04 pm
  PMQuoteReply
4th Post
Jeff Knight
Member


Joined: Tue Jan 10th, 2006
Location: Very East Nashville, Lol, North Carolina USA
Posts: 2299
Favorite Artist: Too many to mention :)
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Mai wrote:
Any suggestions?

Well I don't know if I can give anything
productive, but I think the start of the
second verse should go back to the thumbing
beside the road visual. Maybe open up with
watching cars go by and not getting a ride
or maybe talking bout a girl passing by
in a car and let that girl be the one
the angel is talkin bout, or maybe you see
a billboard in the distance with an ad for
a casino with a showgirl on it and let that
image be what the angel is referring to.
Or maybe split the billboard idea for ver 2
and the passing woman as ver 3. That would
give me more visuals, but it is your song
and you can do with it as you please. :)
I also think this song needs an ending
which shows an accomplishment or a
disaster by saying something bout most days
the devil wins or the angel wins. It just
needs a better ending to me. :)

Last edited on Sat Apr 8th, 2006 02:08 pm by Jeff Knight



____________________
Songwriting is composed of two acts,
first inspiration, and then exploration
Back To Top


 Posted: Sat Apr 8th, 2006 05:22 pm
  PMQuoteReply
5th Post
Mai
Member


Joined: Tue Apr 4th, 2006
Location: British Columbia Canada
Posts: 87
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: 
Status: 
Offline
hi Jeff.

Thanks for the ideas

Will take some thinking on my part--to see what I come up with. :shock:

As far as an ending, I have this (as though the guy never changed his ways. (Maybe a good woman can do it???)

I wonder where I'll be
When I’m old and gray

But the Devil’s on my shoulder
And always gets his way


Cheers Mai :)

Back To Top 


Current time is 11:43 pm

Top



UltraBB 1.172 Copyright © 2007-2016 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1790 seconds (22% database + 78% PHP). 28 queries executed.