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 Posted: Fri Mar 31st, 2006 01:15 pm
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KathyB.
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No title yet. (c)

I don't think the chorus is original enough.....any comments.....

Verse

I walk thru this cheatin old side door

Here your laugh comin thru dark smoky bar

You didn’t see me standing here

Till my hazel eyes met yours she was in your arms

 My skin burned hot then cold this is it

You picked your medicine now you drink it

I’m not gonna cry over you

All those kisses lost n gone theres no fixin this

 

Chorus

I’m done being over me

Getting over you

Being over me

It’s time I’m long gone

Raise a hand wave bye bye

No time for you to cry

Your cold heart has done you wrong

It’s time this girl is long gone

 

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 Posted: Fri Mar 31st, 2006 06:58 pm
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BobbyJoe
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Hi, Kathy.  :)  I would recommend studying your favorite songs and see what they do with their choruses.  This will help you decide when you have a good chorus idea and how to go about developing it.  We learn by imitation, and what better songs to imitate than our favorites.  I wish I had a nickel for every John Prine and Kris Kristofferson and Bob McDill lyric I tore apart and put back together.

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 Posted: Fri Mar 31st, 2006 11:42 pm
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KathyB.
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Hi Bobby,

Yeah, I have done some reading on Kristopherson, Warren andyone who has a #1 or who people respect.....I've nver heard the name Bob McDill.

I'll look him up!  ;)

 

kathy

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 Posted: Sat Apr 1st, 2006 07:18 am
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BobbyJoe
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Do you ever copy hit lyrics out by hand and study them?

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 Posted: Sat Apr 1st, 2006 11:11 am
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KathyB.
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Yeah I do.

Look for structure, rhyme pattern.

quirky way they twist and bring back to the chorus....

singability....how easy the choruss usually are...LOL

what else do you look for?

kathy

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 Posted: Sat Apr 1st, 2006 11:59 am
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Crystal Lynn
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Kathy....I really love the first verse!!!!  I love all the little details..as I read it, my mind started this picture...good storytelling here...I agree the chorus needs more work...there's a great hook in there..."This Girls Long Gone" ....I really think you've got something here...keep working on it!!



____________________
http://www.indiehitz.net/html/crystal_Lynn

The supreme happiness of life is the conviction of being loved for yourself, or, more correctly, being loved in spite of yourself.

-Victor Hugo
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 Posted: Sat Apr 1st, 2006 01:41 pm
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KathyB.
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Thanks Crystal,

Hmmm.....I'll write it that way and see what happens...LOL

K.

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 Posted: Tue Apr 4th, 2006 10:34 pm
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Mai
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hi Kathy

This Girl's Long Gone" is a good title and you have some great ideas to work with.

I also like "I'm Over me, Getting Over You"

Think about this: (maybe too many lines, but an idea!)

I’m over me, Getting over you, Being over me

Cuz I’m movin’ on,

from your cold heart doin’ me wrong.
Raise a hand and wave goodbye,

as I disappear
I won’t
bother to cry,

as everything is clear
Y
our cheatin’ ways’ll do you in,

and you’ll find yourself left again

This time this girl’s long gone,

happy to be free.

I’m over me, Getting over you, Being over me

 

or it can begin with:

This Girl’s Long Gone

from your cold heart doing me wrong
I’m over me, Getting over you, Being over me

-----etc, your choice

Good Luck

Mai

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