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| Posted: Tue Mar 28th, 2006 08:00 pm |
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1st Post |
Susan Jeffries
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This Heart Is Closed For Now
Sorry, but this heart is closed for now
Due to some major reconstruction
There’s a hole she left goin’ six feet down
But you can detour ‘round all the destruction
Go past my soul, turn left at the tears
Go right when you see Memory Lane
Stay on that, ‘cause it goes on for years
You’ll end up on a street called Pain
This heart is closed for now
Couldn’t reach it if ya’ tried
Gave it to a girl some years ago
Now her love for me has died
No way to get in
This heart is closed for now
This heart is closed for now
She’s been gone now for some time
Guess her lanes were always open
I’m tired of sulking here in my wine
Think it’s time I quit my mopin’
Think I’ll sit in this hole for a while
Try to blueprint a new highway
Build a new one slowly, mile-by-mile
And open it up some day
But until then……..
This heart is closed for now
Couldn’t reach it if ya’ tried
Gave it to a girl some years ago
Now her love for me has died
This heart is closed for now
No way to get in
This heart is closed for now
Yeah, this heart is closed for now
C2006 Susan Jeffries
All rights reserved
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| Posted: Tue Mar 28th, 2006 08:21 pm |
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BobbyJoe
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Nice idea, Susan.  My suggestion is to try using your hook a little more in the chorus. It's such a nice hook that I , as a listener, want to hear it more. I think using it twice would make the chorus even stronger. Listeners love a little repetition. You're on to a cute one here.
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| Posted: Tue Mar 28th, 2006 08:30 pm |
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Susan Jeffries
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BobbyJoe,
Thank for the input. I'll have to agree with ya. That's what you are here for, to help me out when I need it. Thanks for reading and I'll see what I can do. I thought the idea was kinda cute!!!!
Susan
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| Posted: Tue Mar 28th, 2006 11:32 pm |
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BobbyJoe
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Susan, here's another way to look at it. Keeps it short and to the point.
This heart is closed for now
Couldn’t reach it if ya’ tried
This heart is closed for now
'Cause her love for me has died
That's what I call a half-chorus. It can work, but if you wanted to go to a full chorus, you would need to double the amount of phrases. Phrases 5 and 6 would point to the past, perhaps, and 7 and 8 could come back to the hook. There are lots of choices here.
The chorus sums up the song. If it's closed now, you may wish to talk about it in the verses being open and what happened to lead up to its closing. The verse(s) following the first chorus could point to the future.
Just some ideas, trying to be helpful. 
One other point: I've always found it a real good exercise to find songs I really like, copy their lyrics by hand, and study them. Doing just one a day will really help alot in learning overall structure. Writing hit song lyrics out by hand is a process that helps one internalize lyrical structure, and I highly recommend it to everyone. After a while, it becomes a natural part of your writing.
BTW, another good thing about your writing is that it's already very conversational and natural. Many writers come into lyric writing with a poetry background and have to struggle to find a conversational voice. You already have yours.
Last edited on Tue Mar 28th, 2006 11:43 pm by BobbyJoe
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| Posted: Wed Mar 29th, 2006 01:12 am |
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Susan Jeffries
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Bobby Joe,
You have a good idea here, writing down other's lyric's for structure. I'm not always going to follow the rules in all my lyrics I'm sure, but this would be a good way to see how some other's do it. I have also read many lyrics with no structure and songs with no line structure whatsoever!!! They were big hits....I think it's a lot who you are who gets away with it!!!!! lol But you do have some good points for me to follow. This is a great learning place for people to come and share. I appreciate it. I'll try this again soon with your advice and see what comes. Another thing that is the performance which comes with the lyrics. Some take goo and make millions because they perform it well, not so much the lyrics. See what I mean. I'm no brainiac, but I know how to listen to hear music, and what is appealing to me. It's not always the lyrics at all. Music makes the world go 'round I know that!!! Thanks for all your help BobbyJoe. Some good teaching goin' on.
Also, thank you for noticing my conversational skills. That's a point in the right direction!!!!!!!!!! Thanks
Susan
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| Posted: Wed Mar 29th, 2006 01:45 am |
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| Posted: Wed Mar 29th, 2006 08:28 am |
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BobbyJoe
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I understand your point, Susan.
But it's not about the paycheck ...
Last edited on Wed Mar 29th, 2006 08:28 am by BobbyJoe
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| Posted: Wed Mar 29th, 2006 08:40 am |
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Susan Jeffries
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Oh, BobbyJoe I know. I hope you didn't take it wrong. Sorry if ya did. I really am going to take your advice on this stuff you pass on to me. I was just saying there are many over the top groups that have no structure. I like you BobbyJoe, you really care if I write well or not!!! I try to take everyone's advice and at least try it. I like structure, too, and would like to do it right. Sometimes I get into experimenting and that can't hurt me either can it? lol But, I hope I didn't get ya upset. Not my intention, really. (a paycheck would be nice one day though lol)
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| Posted: Wed Mar 29th, 2006 10:25 am |
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BobbyJoe
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No, Susan. Of course, I'm not upset. I was in a rush, and I just cut to the chase with my advice. I just wanted to direct your attention back to craft.
IMO, a song is a bridge we build between ourselves and others, and we want to do it as best we can. And it should be FUN!
Keep up the good work!
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| Posted: Wed Mar 29th, 2006 01:35 pm |
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Susan Jeffries
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BobbyJoe, wow, I was scared I offended you! Now I can be ok!!! Songs are bridges to others, so true. 
Thanks for your advice again!!!!!!
Susan
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| Posted: Wed Mar 29th, 2006 01:47 pm |
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| Posted: Wed Mar 29th, 2006 02:07 pm |
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Susan Jeffries
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You say you want me to pee on your boots? LOL Just kidding. 
all's well then, so smile and have a great day!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Posted: Wed Mar 29th, 2006 02:33 pm |
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