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| Posted: Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 07:50 pm |
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alexlcameron
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| Joined: | Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 |
| Location: | Tennessee USA |
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This is a song that I wrote for my 6yr old girl. Funny thing is I dont have any music to it. Just a melody in my mind. suppose I need to work on it quite a bit more.. anyways here I am throwing myself out here to be critiqued. Look foward to hearing what you have to say..
Here for you (c) 2002 Alex Cameron
[vs. 1]
Life never seemed to matter
til I held your lil hand
you looked up at me
and made me understand
[build]
with tears in your eyes
you tear holes in me
with a smile on your face
I know I'm complete
[Cho.]
Looked for truth on the cross
looked for meaning in my mind
looked for knowledge in books
thru the passage of time
with these things I can now see
your smile is all that matters to me
[Vs.2]
I know that someday you
you will find a love that's true
I hope that man is the
right one for you but
[build]
if you ever find it hard
just to make it thru
remember daddy's
always here for you
[Cho.]
[tag.]
I hope you know my love is true
and that daddy's always here for you...
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| Posted: Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 08:46 pm |
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2nd Post |
Mai
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| Location: | British Columbia Canada |
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hi Alex
Whatever that movie with the line "You complete me"....wellll it is now being ridiculed........soooooooooooo
I tried
[vs. 1]
Life never seemed complete
til I held your lil hand
you looked up at me
and made me understand
[build]
those tears in your eyes
tear holes in my soul 'nd
that smile on your face
fills my heart to overflowin'
(That is quite a Forced rhyme, but it'll work in the singing, and you have your complete in the first line, sounding less like the movie.)
[Cho.]
I Never Knew What Was Missing....(title?)
Now make this Chorus deep and moving, and write a second verse and build without those true and you rhymes.
Perhaps start with:
I won’t think about someday
When Mr. Right comes along
We have too many years
To......................
Good Luck
Mai
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| Posted: Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 08:54 pm |
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3rd Post |
alexlcameron
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| Location: | Tennessee USA |
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Thank you so much! I appreciate you taking the time to help.
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| Posted: Sat Aug 23rd, 2008 01:30 am |
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| Posted: Sat Aug 23rd, 2008 03:44 pm |
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| Posted: Sat Aug 23rd, 2008 09:39 pm |
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6th Post |
alexlcameron
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| Location: | Tennessee USA |
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Wow thanks!! I realize I have a long way to go with this song. I appreciate any input. I have a lack of real criticism from my friends so it is so hard to determine the next step. again, thanks for the critiques..
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| Posted: Sat Aug 23rd, 2008 10:18 pm |
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Crystal Lynn
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| Joined: | Mon Oct 10th, 2005 |
| Location: | Kentucky USA |
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hey alex,
what a sweet lyric for your little girl, and this is something I believe you should finish, at least for the fact, it's something you can show or play for her. It's SO important for a little girl to have a relationship with her daddy, (it's something I never had as a little girl) so I am making it a point with my own life, to make sure my girls have that with their own daddy.
Now, onto your lyric.....you've got some great imagery going on...(by that I mean holding her hand, being her protector, ect) But your "hook" as far I can tell is..."Here For You" and I only seeing it being mentioned in your build and tag.......you really want that to be your focus in your Chorus.
i can see and hear a really beautiful chorus.....with that tag (hook) I mean...lol
Build that up.....and by that I mean....situations where you are there for her.
This could be a lovely lyric and song.......keep working on it!!
____________________
http://www.indiehitz.net/html/crystal_Lynn
The supreme happiness of life is the conviction of being loved for yourself, or, more correctly, being loved in spite of yourself.
-Victor Hugo
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