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Here for you
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 Posted: Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 07:50 pm
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alexlcameron
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This is a song that I wrote for my 6yr old girl. Funny thing is I dont have any music to it. Just a melody in my mind. suppose I need to work on it quite a bit more.. anyways here I am throwing myself out here to be critiqued. Look foward to hearing what you have to say..

Here for you (c) 2002 Alex Cameron

[vs. 1] 

Life never seemed to matter

til I held your lil hand

you looked up at me

and made me understand

[build]

with tears in your eyes

you tear holes in me

with a smile on your face

I know I'm complete

[Cho.]

Looked for truth on the cross

looked for meaning in my mind

looked for knowledge in books

thru the passage of time

with these things I can now see

your smile is all that matters to me

[Vs.2]

I know that someday you

you will find a love that's true

I hope that man is the

right one for you but

[build]

if you ever find it hard

just to make it thru

remember daddy's

always here for you

[Cho.]

[tag.]

I hope you know my love is true

and that daddy's always here for you...

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 Posted: Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 08:46 pm
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Mai
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hi Alex

Whatever that movie with the line "You complete me"....wellll it is now being ridiculed........soooooooooooo

I tried

[vs. 1]

Life never seemed complete
til I held your lil hand
you looked up at me
and made me understand

[build]
those tears in your eyes
tear holes in my soul 'nd
that smile on your face
fills my heart to overflowin'

(That is quite a Forced rhyme, but it'll work in the singing, and you have your complete in the first line, sounding less like the movie.)
[Cho.]
I Never Knew What Was Missing....(title?)


Now make this Chorus deep and moving, and write a second verse and build without those true and you rhymes.

Perhaps start with:

I won’t think about someday
When Mr. Right comes along
We have too many years
To......................


Good Luck
Mai

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 Posted: Fri Aug 22nd, 2008 08:54 pm
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alexlcameron
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Thank you so much! I appreciate you taking the time to help.

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 Posted: Sat Aug 23rd, 2008 01:30 am
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RainyDayMan
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Another alternative might be:

with tears in your eyes
you're tearing holes in me
more to even up the syllables.

Also with this line
looked for knowledge wrote in books  

to give it 3 syllables in the second half similar to the lines above. I know wrote isnt gramatically correct but it should sing alright.



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 Posted: Sat Aug 23rd, 2008 03:44 pm
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lissaw70
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If'n it's country........mos' any ol' thang'll work.............:rollface;)

Great job.........LOVE the chorus.............:clappingface



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Don't struggle to "make" a song........strive to help it become what it was meant be...........
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 Posted: Sat Aug 23rd, 2008 09:39 pm
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alexlcameron
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Wow thanks!! I realize I have a long way to go with this song. I appreciate any input. I have a lack of real criticism from my friends so it is so hard to determine the next step. again, thanks for the critiques..

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 Posted: Sat Aug 23rd, 2008 10:18 pm
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Crystal Lynn
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hey alex,

what a sweet lyric for your little girl, and this is something I believe you should finish, at least for the fact, it's something you can show or play for her. It's SO important for a little girl to have a relationship with her daddy, (it's something I never had as a little girl) so I am making it a point with my own life, to make sure my girls have that with their own daddy.

Now, onto your lyric.....you've got some great imagery going on...(by that I mean holding her hand, being her protector, ect)   But your "hook" as far I can tell is..."Here For  You"  and I only seeing it being  mentioned in your  build and tag.......you really want that to be your focus in your Chorus.

i can see and hear a really beautiful chorus.....with that tag (hook) I mean...lol

Build that up.....and by that I mean....situations where you are there for her.

This could be a lovely lyric and song.......keep working on it!! 

 



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The supreme happiness of life is the conviction of being loved for yourself, or, more correctly, being loved in spite of yourself.

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