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| Posted: Wed Jun 22nd, 2022 01:44 am |
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1st Post |
icystorm
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Greetings, fellow songwriters! I hope everyone is well and enjoying the summer (northern hemi) and winter (southern hemi). 
I've been busy with work, but also writing a new fiction novel plus a series of songs for it. The songs will serve as the soundtrack for my book, with a song generally fitting each chapter.
The book is a fictional drama/horror/mystery story about a beautiful older enchantress, named Omega, and her two younger assistants/students, named Hedra and Autumn. The three ladies have dark souls and carry out many dark, paranormal retributions on behalf of Omega's clients who seek her expensive services.
One of the songs for the book is about Hedra, who once had a beautiful spirit before becoming incredibly hurt and broken over a lost love. In her broken state, she was allured by the enchantress Omega to the "dark side". In the book, poor Hedra's soul has gone completely cold and she carries out many horrible deeds for Omega, without emotion. Very tragic! 
Here in the forum, I usually receive a great idea or three to improve my lyrics. Hopefully someone may suggest ideas that I may like and use to improve my lyrics. I already have the music composed for the song, which fits the metre of the lyrics. The song is an uptempo, fast-paced pop-rock song of the 80s genre. Once I finalize the lyrics, I will make a demo and have a friend produce a video for it.
Cheers,
Joseph
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Edit: I've made a major rewrite of numerous lyrics within the song since I first posted it. The revised update is below:
Hatred (Hedra's Lost Her Mind)
Words and Music: Joseph Spain
Produced by: Joseph Spain
© 2022 Joseph Spain
Soundtrack from the forthcoming novel "Omega's Dark"
--Verse 1
Hedra's birth was a perfect sign
The angels smiled, her stars aligned
She gave her soul to a fool who played the part
He broke more than just her heart
--Pre-chorus 1
All the light in her eyes
All the love in her died that day
Is he afraid
He'll be afraid
When Hedra makes him pay
--Chorus
She's a blessing if she loves you
She's a curse to the bidders of her pain
To the death she'll fight and rule
She's a friend to angels
An enemy of the cruel
No power or prayer protects them
When Hedra comes they're out of time
True vengeance she exacts
When their clock strikes zero
And Hedra's lost her mind
When her hatred comes
They'll know Hedra's lost her mind
--Verse 2
Hedra's spells draw terror's screams
Her hexes set her horrors free
She'll curse the ones with cruelness in their hearts
Then she'll blow their worlds apart
--Pre-chorus 2
All the dark in her heart
All the hate in her lives today
Are they afraid
They'll be afraid
When Hedra comes their way
[repeat chorus]
--Bridge
Today the wicked world will see
And all the cruel will know
That all the hurts that Hedra feels
Are all the hurts that Hedra makes them know
[repeat chorus into release]
Last edited on Mon Jun 27th, 2022 10:13 pm by icystorm
____________________
My original songs are featured on my YouTube channel and Soundclick page.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMjXFmaQOdbumB8ZJI80F3g
https://www.soundclick.com/artist/default.cfm?bandID=1376428
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22nd, 2022 09:56 am |
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Gary E. Andrews
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| Location: | Portsmouth, Ohio, USA |
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The lack of Rhyme stands out. Rhyme is a device to make a Lyric memorize-able, for a singer, and remember-able for listeners.
You may be able to make it work. Only hearing it executed would enable that judgment.
Hatred (Hedra's Lost Her Mind)
Words and Music: Joseph Spain
Produced by: Joseph Spain
© 2022 Joseph Spain
Soundtrack from the forthcoming novel "Omega's Dark"
--Verse 1
Hedra was born under a perfect sign
A treasured life, she had it all
She gave her soul to a love who caught her eye
Then he broke more than just her heart (Interesting Line. It makes the 'reader' ponder what else he broke.)
--Pre-chorus 1
And the light of all lights in her died that day
It set all of her demons loose
She's so hurt and confused
And you're doomed (Why do 'I' enter into it? There's Hedra, and 'he' who broke her 'stuff'. Then suddenly 'you're doomed'. I see in the Chorus I'm in it, rhetorically, 'if she loves YOU' but prior to that it seemed a jump out of the flow of the story to suddenly include the listener.)
--Chorus (12 Line Chorus, long.)
She's a blessing if she loves you
She's a curse to the bidders of her pain (If listeners are following along with a Lyric sheet or scroll 'bidders' may work. If they are only hearing it, I think it's an obscure concept they may not 'get'. bidders? bitters? )
It's your life or death she'll choose
She's a friend to angels (These two Lines do exposition about Hedra, while 1 through 3 do exposition about the threat she poses to the listener if he gets involved with her.)
An enemy of the cruel
No power or prayer protects you (And back to the threat. You could eliminate those two Lines, 4 and 5, shortening your Chorus.)
When Hedra comes you're out of time
It's a vengeance she designed
When your clock strikes zero
and Hedra's Lost Her Mind
When her hatred comes
You'll know Hedra's Lost Her Mind
--Verse 2
Hedra rode out to an evil world
She turned all her horrors loose
All of her love had burned into hate
With all of her focus she swore to make them lose
--Pre-chorus 2
Now I don't wanna be the one to have to say this at this time
but I'm afraid, and you'll be afraid
that Hedra's Lost Her Mind
[repeat chorus]
--Bridge
Someday all the world will see
And someday they will know
That all the hurts that Hedra feels
Are all the hurts
That Hedra makes them know
[repeat chorus into release]
(An alternative arrangement of the Lines of your Pre-Chorus 1:
--Pre-chorus 1
She's so hurt and confused
It set all of her demons loose (Delete 'of'?)
The light of all lights died in her that day
And you're doomed
(Shortened Chorus)
--Chorus
She's a blessing if she loves you
She's a curse to those who cause her pain
It's your life or death she'll choose
No power or prayer protects you
When Hedra comes you're out of time
It's a vengeance she designed
When your clock strikes zero
and Hedra's lost her mind
When her hatred comes
You'll know Hedra's lost her mind
____________________
As long as you'll reach for your pen, paper, instruments, here will always be another Song to be written. Someone will write the next great Song. It could be you. http://www.garyeandrews.com
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22nd, 2022 02:05 pm |
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3rd Post |
CK
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| Location: | Huntsville, Texas USA |
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Good analysis Gary. The lack of a consistent rhyme made me lose interest though I think it's a good theme worth further development.
____________________
Carroll Kiphen
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22nd, 2022 03:02 pm |
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| Posted: Wed Jun 22nd, 2022 03:29 pm |
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| Posted: Sat Jun 25th, 2022 02:52 pm |
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6th Post |
icystorm
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| Joined: | Sun Aug 30th, 2020 |
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Based on the earlier feedback and ideas I received, I've made significant revisions to the lyrics.
Hatred (Hedra's Lost Her Mind)
Words and Music: Joseph Spain
Produced by: Joseph Spain
© 2022 Joseph Spain
Soundtrack from the forthcoming novel "Omega's Dark"
--Verse 1
Hedra's birth was a perfect sign
The angels smiled, her stars aligned
She gave her soul to a fool who played the part
He broke more than just her heart
--Pre-chorus 1
All the light in her eyes
All the love in her died that day
Is he afraid
He'll be afraid
When Hedra makes him pay
--Chorus
She's a blessing if she loves you
She's a curse to the bidders of her pain
To the death she'll fight and rule
She's a friend to angels
An enemy of the cruel
No power or prayer protects them
When Hedra comes they're out of time
True vengeance she exacts
When their clock strikes zero
And Hedra's lost her mind
When her hatred comes
They'll know Hedra's lost her mind
--Verse 2
Hedra's spells draw terror's screams
Her hexes set her horrors free
She'll curse the ones with cruelness in their hearts
Then she'll blow their worlds apart
--Pre-chorus 2
All the dark in her heart
All the hate in her lives today
Are they afraid
They'll be afraid
When Hedra comes their way
[repeat chorus]
--Bridge
Today the wicked world will see
And all the cruel will know
That all the hurts that Hedra feels
Are all the hurts that Hedra makes them know
[repeat chorus into release]
Last edited on Mon Jun 27th, 2022 10:13 pm by icystorm
____________________
My original songs are featured on my YouTube channel and Soundclick page.
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCMjXFmaQOdbumB8ZJI80F3g
https://www.soundclick.com/artist/default.cfm?bandID=1376428
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