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"Got Blood On My Hands"
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 Posted: Mon Nov 5th, 2007 03:36 pm
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glasman
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“Blood On My Hands”

Nathan Baggett
© 2007

I’ve lied and mistreated
I’ve done my share of cheatin’
And never did I sit in no pue
For sure I’ve been takin’
Givin’ ain’t a part of me

I got blood on my hands
You hear what I am sayin’
It’s a thing you just can’t take back
You know I’ve been payin’
Livin’ is my misery



Though your life may be long
You can never right your wrongs
Even doin’ the best you can
Won’t cut it man
Only dyin’ sets the guilty free
Pays the debt to society

He died yet revived
As his father did testify
When the judge asked for my plea
Not a word could I reply
Just felt it deep inside

I got blood on my hands
That’s why I’ve been cryin’
Took his life an innocent man
His name I been prayin’
Dyin’s gonna’ set me free

I’m a sinner that will see his day of liberty
That sweet release that’s gonna’ bring me peace



Though your life may be long
You can never right your wrongs
Even doin’ the best you can
Won’t cut it man
Only dyin’ sets the guilty free
Pays the debt to society

I got blood on my hands
You hear what I am sayin’
His father knows my name.

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 Posted: Mon Nov 5th, 2007 03:50 pm
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RedinFla
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Glas, this looks to be alot better structuraly than Hunt chu was, maybe I'm wrong, and I couldn't spend a lot of time looking at this right now, but I think the rhyme scheme is still a little off. I'll look back at this later after work. But much improvement in my eyes.



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 Posted: Mon Nov 5th, 2007 03:57 pm
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glasman
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RedinFla wrote: Glas, this looks to be alot better structuraly than Hunt chu was, maybe I'm wrong, and I couldn't spend a lot of time looking at this right now, but I think the rhyme scheme is still a little off. I'll look back at this later after work. But much improvement in my eyes.

Thanks Red,

I look forward to it!

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 Posted: Mon Nov 5th, 2007 05:35 pm
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DBloodworth
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Glasman,

I'm no expert, and I know this is not exactly what you asked for, but I figured I would pass along what I know about structure, rhyming and syllable count.

Most if not all songs follow a pattern that can be written in the form of A's, B's, and C's.  One of the most typical patterns is ABAB, or verse chorus, verse chorus (and there can be more: ABABAB).  Another is ABABCB = verse chorus, verse chorus, bridge chorus.  Also, AABA, verse verse bridge verse.

There are more,  but these are the big three.  As you listen to songs, it's good songwriting practice to try and figure out which pattern above that the songs fit into.  You'll be surprised that almost all of them fit into the big three.

Within the song structure, there are rhyming patterns.  I'm not 100% sure of the notation, but I've usually seen it with numbers like this:  Lyrics courtesy of and property of  © Kanye West - Gold Digger

Verse 1 -  (A)

1 - Cutie the bomb  Met her at a beauty salon 
2 - With a baby louis vuitton Under her underarm 
3 - She said I can tell you ROCK I can tell by ya charm 
4 - Far as girls you got a flock  I can tell by ya charm

1 - but I'm lookin for the one  have you seen her 
2 - My psychic told me she have a a** like Serena 
3 - Trina, Jennifer Lopez, four kids 
4 - An i gotta take all they bad a**** to show-biz

1 - Ok get ya kids but then they got their friends 
2 - I Pulled up in the Benz, they all got up In 
3 - We all went to Den  and then I had to pay 
4 - If you f**kin with this girl  then you betta be payed

1 - You know why It take too much to touch her 
2 - From what I heard  she got a baby by Busta 
3 - My best friend say  she use to f**k wit Usher 
4 - I dont care what none of yall say  I still love her

Now, you'll probably notice that in the first and last 4 line groups that all the last words rhyme.  It's still technically sound because either lines 1-2 and 3-4 rhyme.  OR - the lines only rhyme on 2-4.  You could even break this song down more and look at each group.  There are lots of internal rhymes in the lines.  Take a look at the last 4 line group below - it could have been written like this:

1 - You know why
2 - It take too much to touch her 
3 - From what I heard 
4 - she got a baby by Busta

1 - My best friend say
2 - she use to f**k wit Usher 
3 - I dont care what none of yall say
4 - I still love her


With it written like this, lines 2 and 4 rhyme, but 1 and 3 don't. This rhyming pattern is perfectly good, and either way it's written, the rhyming makes the song flow properly.

With country, pop, rock and such, syllable count is extremely important.  In rap, not as much because the artist can squeeze a word in more easily.  Rap is much more rythym-based and as long as the rythym works, the syllables are usually less important. 

I had intentions of giving you an actual critique of your lyrics when I started, but I got sidetracked and will have to save that for next time.  I think it's a good start, though - so keep after it.  Hope something above helps.  Maybe take your song and label it as to what rhyming pattern you're using - highlight the rhyming lines, and what song structure (for your own use or to post for help).  Sometimes this helps me see where I've gone astray, and/or where there are holes in my structure. 

Good luck bro.

 

Last edited on Mon Nov 5th, 2007 05:37 pm by DBloodworth



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 Posted: Tue Nov 6th, 2007 09:45 am
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glasman
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Dblood,

I appreciate it man.

Will take your advice on the standard song form.

I think I understand how a line breaks down and how it relates to the internal rhyme scheme. Just not sure exactly when the break occurs. Is it when theres a slight pause in the vocal?

 

 

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 Posted: Tue Nov 6th, 2007 09:58 am
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glasman
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It seems theres a pause at these breaks.

I’ve lied
and mistreated
I’ve done my share of cheatin’
And never did I
sit in no pue
For sure
I’ve been takin’
Givin’ ain’t a part of me

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 Posted: Tue Nov 6th, 2007 10:31 am
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DBloodworth
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Here's how I look at that verse in my "excercise".  In your lyrics, it seems to be more of a 6 line group where 3 and 6 should rhyme.  I really like the line "Givin' aint a part of me" so don't think I'm trying to rewrite this.  I just want to show you how I see the rhyming pattern.

1 - I’ve lied and mistreated
2 - Done my share of cheatin’
3 - Never did I sit in no pue

4 - My life I been fakin'
5 - For sure I’ve been takin’
6 - Givin’ just ain’t what I do

As for syllable counts, if you're interested, it goes 6,6,8 - 6,6,7.  Lines 3 and 6 rhyme, and it's very sound as far as structure goes. 

Hope this helps.

 



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 Posted: Tue Nov 6th, 2007 02:00 pm
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RedinFla
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Glas, I seem to have caught a dose of the flu, but it looks like Danny has got you covered here. Still, I see much improvement in what your doing here. Keep writing man.



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 Posted: Tue Nov 6th, 2007 02:00 pm
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RedinFla
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Glas, I seem to have caught a dose of the flu, but it looks like Danny has got you covered here. Still, I see much improvement in what your doing here. Keep writing man.

oops thought I had lost my connection, so I hit it again.  :shock::?

Last edited on Tue Nov 6th, 2007 02:01 pm by RedinFla



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 Posted: Tue Nov 6th, 2007 03:32 pm
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Jeff Knight
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Red: Not only do you have the flu .... but it appears you
got hiccups as well .... LOL

Yea, I totally agree Danny's got this covered :)


RedinFla wrote:
Glas, I seem to have caught a dose of the flu, but it looks like Danny has got you covered here. Still, I see much improvement in what your doing here. Keep writing man.

oops thought I had lost my connection, so I hit it again.  :shock::?



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 Posted: Tue Nov 6th, 2007 04:39 pm
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RedinFla
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Jeff Knight wrote: Red: Not only do you have the flu .... but it appears you
got hiccups as well .... LOL

Yea, I totally agree Danny's got this covered :)


RedinFla wrote:
Glas, I seem to have caught a dose of the flu, but it looks like Danny has got you covered here. Still, I see much improvement in what your doing here. Keep writing man.

oops thought I had lost my connection, so I hit it again.  :shock::?


So true seems none of my stuff is working today, or at the very least I feel to bad to try it all out.



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 Posted: Tue Nov 6th, 2007 05:17 pm
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terrypicker
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Lookin good Glas, or is it lookin glas good, :D  Anyway friend,  I think this one is lookin like it's comin together very well.  Like the message in the song.  much truth in it.  Danny and Red are both gonna be teachin us all how to improve our stuff before long, they are turnin top notch!   Same with you if you don't slow down on your learning. Just wanted to say thanks for postin, I enjoyed the read. :D



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 Posted: Tue Nov 6th, 2007 07:36 pm
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glasman
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Sh*t, I was freakin out fo a minute.

Thanks Dblood I think I got it

Hey Red I hope you get to feelin better, them hicops will kill ya if you don't watch it.

Thanks Jeff I enjoy your songs.

I ain't saying nothing to Terry, he's crazy you know.;)

Last edited on Tue Nov 6th, 2007 07:39 pm by glasman

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 Posted: Tue Nov 6th, 2007 08:50 pm
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terrypicker
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glasman wrote: Sh*t, I was freakin out fo a minute.

Thanks Dblood I think I got it

Hey Red I hope you get to feelin better, them hicops will kill ya if you don't watch it.

Thanks Jeff I enjoy your songs.

I ain't saying nothing to Terry, he's crazy you know.;)

Thanks Bro. I resemble that remark! :D



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 Posted: Wed Nov 7th, 2007 09:38 am
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glasman
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Oops, typo- I meant hicoops!

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 Posted: Thu Nov 8th, 2007 10:13 am
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A really good idea here!!  You do have some wonderful lines, I love the hope here:

 

I’m a sinner that will see his day of liberty
That sweet release that’s gonna’ bring me peace



I must say, reading Danny's example lyric was interesting..LOL

- but I'm lookin for the one  have you seen her 
2 - My psychic told me she have a a** like Serena 
3 - Trina, Jennifer Lopez, four kids 
4 - An i gotta take all they bad a**** to show-biz

I haven't heard this one!



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 Posted: Thu Nov 8th, 2007 10:50 am
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glasman
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Thanks Brenda,

I enjoyed this thread. They do like them ba donka donks.

 

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 Posted: Thu Nov 8th, 2007 02:06 pm
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DBloodworth
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Brenda,

I was just looking for something that had some examples of internal rhymes, perfect rhymes, and some rhymes that differed from verse to verse.  Rap usually has alot of that stuff.  I am eclectic in my tastes as far as listening goes (though even then I listen to very little rap), but as for writing and singing it's usually country, pop, or classic rock.  

Just trying to help Glas get the jist of the rhyming patterns, and I guess I was in a funky mood - that song just popped into my head.  :D



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 Posted: Thu Nov 8th, 2007 02:10 pm
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Brenda McBryde
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Who is the artist that recorded that song, the lyric is hilarious!  I wasn't even sure, thought possibly something you made up...LOL



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 Posted: Thu Nov 8th, 2007 02:33 pm
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DBloodworth
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The artist is Kanye West.  I assume he wrote it also.  It's called Gold Digger, and it's the one that Jamie Foxx sang Ray Charles-esque backup vocals on.  It is a funny song.   Check it out sometime.



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