 |
| Posted: Mon Apr 11th, 2022 04:56 pm |
|
1st Post |
ngon
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 11th, 2022 |
| Location: | ROCHESTER, New York USA |
| Posts: | 8 |
| Favorite Artist: | Patti LaBelle. | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
His Faithfulness Shows
(Lyrics & Melody [Melody Not Included] by: François Bessing)
Copyright 2022
I have seen much better days,
Hopeless nights turned into praise.
Hungry for the Master’s touch,
I sink in a gaze.
If the sin in me makes room,
For the things I hate to do,
Will God’s wrath consume His love,
Have I said too much?
Chorus:
No, no God’s love won’t let you go
Your fears He surely knows,
Belief comes by faith.
Hope grows, when you decide in faith,
Decide, Him, you will obey,
His Faithfulness shows, growth.
I have lived my life in fear,
In beds laid, in ceaseless tears,
Will my sin wrest me to be,
Alone from family…
I’ve been young and now am old,
Still God’s goodness I behold.
Lain aside my will for thine,
On earth as done on high.
(Chorus)
Bridge:
When you can’t see the path,
The places He’s laid.
When all things take a turn,
Just bow down your head.
(Chorus)
Hope grows, when you decide in faith,
Decide, Him, you will obey,
His Faithfulness shows, growth.
____________________
-ngon
We are the music while the music lasts. - TS Eliot.
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 13th, 2022 05:50 am |
|
2nd Post |
RainyDayMan
TSF Administrator
| Joined: | Thu May 17th, 2007 |
| Location: | Stratford, Australia |
| Posts: | 8034 |
| Favorite Artist: | James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell | | I am a: | Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Has a good feeling to it Ngon.
I especially like your chorus.
To me it feels like it should include the lines directly afterwards:
No, no God’s love won’t let you go
Your fears He surely knows,
Belief comes by faith.
Hope grows, when you decide in faith,
Decide, Him, you will obey,
His Faithfulness shows, growth.
Though I would leave the last line as "His Faithfulness shows" without "growth" on the end, as long as that doesn't change what you mean by it. And probably repeat that line as well. Really reinforce that phrase.
Also, "Decide, Him" feels like it might be awkward to sing -- though obviously I can't hear what's in your head. If so, you might choose to leave it as "Him you will obey"
Your rhyming scheme seems a little fractured.
It starts off (deliberately or otherwise) as
...A
...A
...X
...A
but changes in other verses. It doesn't really matter what the rhyming pattern is, but once established the ear wants to hear it repeated, and breaking from it can feel jarring.
So I would look to make it more consistent across verses.
But most of it seems solid, and has a good feel.
Worth pursuing!
____________________
https://soundcloud.com/RainyDayMan/tracks
https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=708281
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 13th, 2022 10:56 am |
|
3rd Post |
ngon
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 11th, 2022 |
| Location: | ROCHESTER, New York USA |
| Posts: | 8 |
| Favorite Artist: | Patti LaBelle. | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Thank you for this feedback. I appreciate it! I”ve had this melody in me for years. First step would be to create a lead sheet for it.
I’ll come back when it’s been made.
____________________
-ngon
We are the music while the music lasts. - TS Eliot.
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 13th, 2022 01:01 pm |
|
4th Post |
Only Gavin
Member
| Joined: | Thu Oct 21st, 2021 |
| Location: | North Carolina USA |
| Posts: | 216 |
| Favorite Artist: | Bruce Springsteen, Graham Parker, Reinhard Mey, Adele, Aly Bain | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
I felt that you had a good chorus going there, suggestive of a strong melody, and then it stopped abruptly. I could imagine someone singing it and feeling "cheated" by the way it stopped, enjoying singing it and wanting to continue. I thought maybe something like this might work.
No, no God’s love won’t let you go
Your fears He surely knows.
Lift up your face, accept his grace
The belief that comes of faith.
This verse is a bit problematic because you suddenly switch from referring to God in the third person to the first.
I’ve been young and now am old,
Still God’s goodness I behold.
Lain aside my will for thine,
On earth as done on high.
If you want to keep this shift, you maybe need to address God by name.
I’ve been young and now am old,
Still God’s goodness I behold.
Lord, I lay aside my will for thine,
On earth as done on high.
____________________
I may or may not be an enigma
https://mysteriousbeings.com
https://www.facebook.com/mysteriousbeings
https://soundcloud.com/themysteriousbeings
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTfa7oRxhligSvZjv0u_vjg
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 13th, 2022 03:26 pm |
|
5th Post |
ngon
Member
| Joined: | Mon Apr 11th, 2022 |
| Location: | ROCHESTER, New York USA |
| Posts: | 8 |
| Favorite Artist: | Patti LaBelle. | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Thank you for that feedback. I am going to plunk out the melody and create a lead sheet today after work to address the flow issue which you've brought up.
____________________
-ngon
We are the music while the music lasts. - TS Eliot.
|
|
Back To Top
|
|
|
|
