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| Posted: Wed Apr 7th, 2021 03:02 pm |
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JayDub
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Kinda feel like I'm bearing my soul with this one. Not sure where everyone here is from, but in my part of the country, we call grandfathers "Pawpaw." I spent a lot of time with mine, and this song is the end result.
Bit of a backstory (if anybody cares), but I was raised in the Bible belt where we went to church every Sunday. When the preacher would preach about Heaven, I always imagined the streets of gold and the river of life looking like the one lane road and the little creek that ran by my Pawpaw's house.
Pawpaw's Song
©2021 Jake Randall
He was old when I was born
But I never knew
Cause in the eyes of this little boy
There was nothing he couldn't do
Playin' baseball in the backyard
Throwin' rocks in the creek
My favorite memories of growin' up
Are of that old man and me
It was just a doublewide trailer
On a half acre of land
But if you had asked me way back then
It was home to Superman
No it wasn't much
But it was everything he had
The best friend that I've ever known
Was my mama's dad
CHORUS:
I sat on that front porch
And I learned all about life
He taught me how to treat my friends
Showed me how to love my wife
When I get where I'm goin'
I ain't got no doubt
Heaven's gonna look just like the view
From the front porch at Pawpaw's house
On a rainy Sunday evenin'
Towards the end of May
The angels came to get him
And they carried him away
My mama held his hand
But I just stepped outside
Sat in his chair on that old front porch
Bowed my head and cried
REPEAT CHORUS
He traded in that little creek
For a river of life
Now he's up there with his daddy
Reunited with his wife
Me and Jesus got it all worked out
I know I'll see him again
I hope Pawpaw's mansion has a front porch
Just for me and him
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| Posted: Wed Apr 7th, 2021 03:55 pm |
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O.F. Hanson
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I think this song is excellently written and, upon reading, I sort of created the melody in my head—hence it certainly has poetic fluidity. Furthermore, as I reside a state over from yours, the context makes perfect sense as in “Appalachian culture” and that, if you were to release something like this in full, I believe it would certainly be a local hit.
JayDub wrote:
He was old when I was born
But I never knew
Cause in the eyes of this little boy
There was nothing he couldn't do
***
It was just a doublewide trailer
On a half acre of land
But if you had asked me way back then
It was home to Superman
***
When I get where I'm goin'
I ain't got no doubt
Heaven's gonna look just like the view
From the front porch at Pawpaw's house
These lines stood out to me the most because they hold poetical merit in the use of imagery and emotion and they are, like a lot of other lines, soothingly fluent when sub-vocalized in the head.
Unfortunately, anyhow, if you were to look for critique I couldn’t give it to you as I’m a two-week rookie at songwriting. But in the eyes of the average person (me), this song is immaculate!
Also, is it country? Because that’s the presumed style I subvocalized to when reading.Last edited on Wed Apr 7th, 2021 03:55 pm by O.F. Hanson
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“The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.” - Mark Twain
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| Posted: Wed Apr 7th, 2021 04:08 pm |
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3rd Post |
JayDub
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O.F. Hanson wrote:
I think this song is excellently written and, upon reading, I sort of created the melody in my head—hence it certainly has poetic fluidity. Furthermore, as I reside a state over from yours, the context makes perfect sense as in “Appalachian culture” and that, if you were to release something like this in full, I believe it would certainly be a local hit.
JayDub wrote:
He was old when I was born
But I never knew
Cause in the eyes of this little boy
There was nothing he couldn't do
***
It was just a doublewide trailer
On a half acre of land
But if you had asked me way back then
It was home to Superman
***
When I get where I'm goin'
I ain't got no doubt
Heaven's gonna look just like the view
From the front porch at Pawpaw's house
These lines stood out to me the most because they hold poetical merit in the use of imagery and emotion and they are, like a lot of other lines, soothingly fluent when sub-vocalized in the head.
Unfortunately, anyhow, if you were to look for critique I couldn’t give it to you as I’m a two-week rookie at songwriting. But in the eyes of the average person (me), this song is immaculate!
Also, is it country? Because that’s the presumed style I subvocalized to when reading.
Thank you so much for the kind words! Truly appreciate them. Having said that, please don't think that your time on this forum makes you unqualified to provide critique. If a lyric is no good, there's nothing wrong with someone less-experienced saying so.
It is country, as are virtually any of the lyrics I write. I know my limitations, and I don't think I could write a pop song if my life depended on it. Outside of the possibility of me stepping into the Christian/Gospel forum with some songs I wrote years ago, I pretty well stick to writing country.
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| Posted: Thu Apr 8th, 2021 04:32 am |
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| Posted: Thu Apr 8th, 2021 02:01 pm |
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JayDub
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RainyDayMan wrote:
That's a lovely song. Full of love and respect for your Pawpaw. Wouldn't change a thing
Thanks RDM!
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| Posted: Fri Apr 9th, 2021 08:02 pm |
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Lane
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On a rainy Sunday evenin'
Towards the end of May
The angels came to get him
And they carried him away
My mama held his hand
But I just stepped outside
Sat in his chair on that old front porch
Bowed my head and cried
==============================================
that is the part I like best!
took me about 2 secs to put a tune to those words, you know its written well when that happens. I`m not sayint there doesn`t need to be little changes but not here" this part I thought was outstanding....Lane
Last edited on Fri Apr 9th, 2021 08:05 pm by Lane
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one might save you from the other...Vincent
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| Posted: Fri Apr 9th, 2021 08:06 pm |
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JayDub
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Lane wrote:
On a rainy Sunday evenin'
Towards the end of May
The angels came to get him
And they carried him away
My mama held his hand
But I just stepped outside
Sat in his chair on that old front porch
Bowed my head and cried
==============================================
that is the part I like best!
took me about 2 secs to put a tune to those words, you know its written well when that happens. I`m not sayint there doesn`t need to be little changes but not here" this part I thought was outstanding....Lane
Thanks so much, Lane!
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| Posted: Fri Apr 16th, 2021 07:32 pm |
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M.P. Dudash
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Awesome stuff, man! Personal songs are the only way to write and you nailed this one!
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| Posted: Thu May 20th, 2021 12:44 am |
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Andrea
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This is beautiful and well written. It got me choked up. The visuals are so vivid I can picture each scene. I hope to hear it with music one day. Great write!
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Andrea
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| Posted: Thu May 20th, 2021 01:27 am |
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JayDub
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Andrea wrote:
This is beautiful and well written. It got me choked up. The visuals are so vivid I can picture each scene. I hope to hear it with music one day. Great write!
Thank you so much! I'm looking for a vocalist to try to record some demos. Trying to make some stuff work so I can post my work.
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| Posted: Thu May 20th, 2021 01:34 am |
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Andrea
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JayDub wrote:
Andrea wrote:
This is beautiful and well written. It got me choked up. The visuals are so vivid I can picture each scene. I hope to hear it with music one day. Great write!
Thank you so much! I'm looking for a vocalist to try to record some demos. Trying to make some stuff work so I can post my work.
That sounds great. I look forward to hearing it soon 
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Andrea
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SongWriterJoe
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You've gotta record this. It's solid gold
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Richard Cliff
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Hi
Nice tribute to your grandad, nicely written, heartfelt and worth going the whole hog with the music.
Good work.
Richard
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| Posted: Tue Nov 23rd, 2021 02:04 am |
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RobbinCrooks
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Has just a kind feel and I am washed with nostalgia. You communicated, that's about the best I can say about a song.
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Kel
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Hi Jaydub,
Emotionally, I think these lyrics tell a lovely tale, and your love for him shines through. As a lyric though, I think there is room for some… adjustment.
I think you could cut down on the wordiness. We can usually say all we need to by saying less. As an example, try crossing out words like “Cause”, “the”, “this”, “just” and “that.”
I suggest having a review of your hook. To me, “From the front porch at Pawpaw’s house…” doesn’t quite work. It sounds a little formal to me.
In writing this it occurred to me that you don’t describe the view from his front porch. If the view is what you’re sure heaven will look like, I think you should spend some time painting the picture.
The second verse could be the place. Instead of mentioning how humble his home was, describe the view… the sun shining on the water in river through the filtered light of a giant weeping willow, horses or cattle grazing on the side of the hill looking down the highway, the bend in the railway track the 10:10 lumbered around every morning… Whatever this view was, if your view of heaven is the view from the porch, share it with us. We’ve never seen this view, and if this is what heaven is, we want to see it too!
I’d also mention Pawpaw’s chair you retreat to after his passing earlier, placing some importance in where it sat, or why you sought comfort in it.
Anyhow, enough from me.
Cheers,
Kel
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Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% what I do about it. Scipio Africanus
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