The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters Home 

Welcome to The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters!
Please log on to view our discussion forum in its entirety.

Succubus
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
 Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Tue Apr 6th, 2021 09:46 am
  PMQuoteReply
1st Post
I2ain_2_Battle
Member


Joined: Mon Mar 4th, 2013
Location: Spruce Pine, North Carolina USA
Posts: 219
Favorite Artist: Staind, GooGoo Dolls
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
I didn't realize your intent...
Until I looked into your eyes..
At first I thought you were being nice...
Then I felt your embrace, and believed your lies..

Your finger nails dragging over my skin...
That warm wet tongue, tickling my neck..
Your warm breath.. with a hint of gin..

That cold wind breeze, would have got me good..
Hadn't it been for your body heat...
Pulling the sheets over quick, your lips never
missed a beat...

Liquor breath and all the passions of a hot flash..
I feel you biting my neck,
Your desire filled my head..
Like a poison ivy rash..

I know this is only one night.. And I know that
Tomorrow might tell a different tale..
But for tonight, I hope our fantasies come true..
Lets make a motion picture, of our fairy tale..

It feels like you sucked away all my fear..
And left only my eagerness.. To fill your heart
with happiness..

Don't break me down... I've been dragged too long...
Don't make me gullible... I'm at war in my mind..

Your finger nails dragging over my skin...
That warm wet tongue, tickling my neck..
Your warm breath.. with a hint of gin..

That cold wind breeze, would have got me good..
Hadn't it been for your body heat...
Pulling the sheets over quick, your lips never
missed a beat...

Hope I don't wake up tomorrow.. With empty sheets..
You sped my heart up... Don't leave it without a beat..

I'm a strong person, until I'm not..
I'm so strong.. until my strength starts to rot..

Liquor breath and all the passions of a hot flash..
I feel you biting my neck,
Your desire filled my head..
Like a poison ivy rash..

I know this is only one night.. And I know that
Tomorrow might tell a different tale..
But for tonight, I hope our fantasies come true..
Lets make a motion picture, of our fairy tale..

Don't break me down... I've been dragged too long...
Don't make me gullible... I'm at war in my mind..

You sped my heart up like a shot of cocaine..
Don't end it.. with a shot from your nova cane..

Hope you're here in the morning..
I will remember you...

You left your lipstick on me..

Last edited on Tue Apr 6th, 2021 11:00 am by I2ain_2_Battle



____________________
The grass is always greener in your neighbors backyard.
Back To Top 


 Posted: Tue Apr 6th, 2021 11:40 am
  PMQuoteReply
2nd Post
RainyDayMan
TSF Administrator


Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 6976
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
I think this is a good one.
Lots of attitude. The self-awareness and cynicism that he is being played, but caught up in the heat of the moment anyway.

This one verse feels a bit out of sync emotionally:
I know this is only one night.. And I know that
Tomorrow might tell a different tale..
But for tonight, I hope our fantasies come true..
Lets make a motion picture, of our fairy tale..

It feels a bit too nice, particularly the last two lines.

The title seems a little bland. How about going over the top with "succubus" or something like that?



____________________
https://soundcloud.com/RainyDayMan/tracks
https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=708281
Back To Top


 Posted: Tue Apr 6th, 2021 08:48 pm
  PMQuoteReply
3rd Post
I2ain_2_Battle
Member


Joined: Mon Mar 4th, 2013
Location: Spruce Pine, North Carolina USA
Posts: 219
Favorite Artist: Staind, GooGoo Dolls
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
yeah i made the title, and was writing another song and lost interest.. then i wrote this one.. but couldn't change the title.. could you edit it on your end if you have time?

Thanks for the read and suggestion.. It does sound a little too magical..Those two lines..



____________________
The grass is always greener in your neighbors backyard.
Back To Top 


 Posted: Tue Apr 6th, 2021 10:32 pm
  PMQuoteReply
4th Post
RainyDayMan
TSF Administrator


Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 6976
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
I can certainly change the title. What would you like it to be?



____________________
https://soundcloud.com/RainyDayMan/tracks
https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=708281
Back To Top


 Posted: Wed Apr 7th, 2021 01:16 am
  PMQuoteReply
5th Post
I2ain_2_Battle
Member


Joined: Mon Mar 4th, 2013
Location: Spruce Pine, North Carolina USA
Posts: 219
Favorite Artist: Staind, GooGoo Dolls
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
hmm.. what do you think of ? i'm not sure.. can you pick a name for me? i have writers block now. haha



____________________
The grass is always greener in your neighbors backyard.
Back To Top 


 Posted: Wed Apr 7th, 2021 01:39 am
  PMQuoteReply
6th Post
RainyDayMan
TSF Administrator


Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 6976
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Ok. I changed it to "Succubus" but it can be changed to something else in a second.



____________________
https://soundcloud.com/RainyDayMan/tracks
https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=708281
Back To Top


 Posted: Wed Apr 7th, 2021 03:45 am
  PMQuoteReply
7th Post
I2ain_2_Battle
Member


Joined: Mon Mar 4th, 2013
Location: Spruce Pine, North Carolina USA
Posts: 219
Favorite Artist: Staind, GooGoo Dolls
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Alright thanks for your help. =) Happy Easter.



____________________
The grass is always greener in your neighbors backyard.
Back To Top 


Current time is 08:02 pm

Top



UltraBB 1.172 Copyright © 2007-2016 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1661 seconds (18% database + 82% PHP). 27 queries executed.