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With your eyes only
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Thu Apr 1st, 2021 08:33 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Hey,
I think this one is still a work in progress, but after a kind of a dry period I don’t want to hold the newest one behind.
Feel free to give a comment or feedback.
Sorry if it may trigger...
RK

With your eyes only

You may not see a single bruise. A‘
May not see a plaster or cast
There‘s no blood and no blackened eye
Can’t imagine that I’m inert
There may be nothing visual
Nothing to point your finger at
Nothing that may make you wonder
But you can be sure, that I’m hurt

Wounds and scars below the surface A+
And blisters all over my feet
Behind the smile and funny words
The injured loner tries to hide
Is it to hard to figure out?
Or do you run to pass me by?
While I stumble and I wonder
If I’m still strong enough to fight

Don’t see. B
With your eyes only
Don’t judge
Only with your mind
Take a look with soul and heart
Don’t see
With your eyes only
Don’t judge
No you better not judge at all
Until you’ve walked in my shoes
Head up high while the storms of life tear you apart

Scared of the future C
Haunted by the past
Scared of the future
And helpless right now
Scared of the future
Haunted by the past
Scared of the future
That‘s all my nightmares do allow
And the questions I can’t answer
Are: what? Why? And how?!

Wounds and scars below the surface A*
An injured loner tries to hide
Still lost and chained and stumbling
Is he still strong enough to fight?

© by Ian P.
01.04.2021
W+M by Ian P.
for: VB

Last edited on Thu Apr 8th, 2021 08:42 pm by RainbowKeeper



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Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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 Posted: Sun Apr 4th, 2021 07:25 am
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RainyDayMan
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A darker song, but a good one. Lots of depth and emotion.

I think my favorite lines are:
Don’t judge
No you better not judge at all

coming after the first time "with only your mind" I think that works very well.

I also like:
While I stumble and I wonder
If I’m still strong enough to fight


I would swap lines 1 & 2. I think it should start with "You may not see" to make that very clear. But you don't want to repeat that immediately, so "May not see" the 2nd time will have that difference, whilst still maintaining clarity.

Some suggested tweaks to spark your thoughts:
black eye > blackened eye

"point your finger on". It's normally either "point your finger at" or "put your finger on".

An injured loner > The injured loner
I feel like it makes it more universal

But all up it feels like it hangs together quite well already.



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 Posted: Sun Apr 4th, 2021 01:10 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Hey,
Thanks for your feedback and suggestions owen! I’ll have a closer look asap.
RK



____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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 Posted: Thu Apr 8th, 2021 08:43 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Hey there,
I have rewritten and changed a little...please let me know what you think.
Thanks
RK



____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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 Posted: Thu Apr 8th, 2021 10:52 pm
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RainyDayMan
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Cool! To me that reads more smoothly without changing any of the meaning. :)



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 Posted: Fri Apr 9th, 2021 12:52 pm
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RainbowKeeper
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Joined: Fri Feb 14th, 2020
Location: Germany
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Thanx for your input!
RK



____________________
Hey y’all !
Im new here and tryin to figure out how this forum works!
Interested in convos about good music and specially about songwriting, lyrics and ideas. All my stuff is protected! copyright by FabIan Peters

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