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| Posted: Fri Feb 19th, 2021 06:40 pm |
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M.P. Dudash
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When all else went to hell
And even he thought, he was too far gone
She found hope in desperation and she promised
She’d keep hanging on
What she sees in him he doesn’t know
Cause even he, can’t see it in himself
And the storms of life feeding him feels like
A bottomless well
The last petal on the rose
Wilts a little more everyday
But it somehow finds the faith to go on
While all others have gone away
The light of its love
Makes it feel more like a spray
The last petal on a rose bringing blue skies
To a world that’s turned gray
Any chance of getting sober
Found him guided, by the devils hands
If it weren’t for the love of a woman
He’d be eternally damned
The last petal on the rose
Wilts a little more everyday
But it somehow finds the faith to go on
While all others have gone away
The light of its love
Makes it feel more like a spray
The last petal on a rose bringing blue skies
To a world that’s turned gray
At his eulogy the only
Petal that was left on the rose
Laid beside him for she too had decided
It was her time to go
Wilted withered finally fallen
The last petal on the rose
Copyright © Michael P Dudash 2021
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| Posted: Sun Feb 21st, 2021 06:49 am |
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RainyDayMan
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I like the mood you've got going here.
There's tenderness and loyalty, as well as sadness and self guilt and a touch of hope. That's a complex mix!
"last petal on the rose" is interesting. In another context I might read that as derogatory, though I'm sure it isn't meant that way here. Depending on the rhythm "last fading petal on the rose" might be an alternative.
I haven't got a feel for the rhythm of the verses. You often have something in mind, so I'll assume you've got it worked out. The chorus is much easier to pick.
I like the ending, and I wasn't expecting it, so that was a nice surprise.
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| Posted: Sun Feb 21st, 2021 01:23 pm |
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M.P. Dudash
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Thanks Owen, I was a little concerned about the rhythm on this one as it’s a bit different. I have already considered so possible changes. In this particular instance it is meant as a compliment since she was the only one left to find any hope in him. The ending was my favorite part as it can be taken in two directions. I think that it can keep one guessing. Thanks for looking.
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| Posted: Wed Feb 24th, 2021 06:47 pm |
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Andrea
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Hi M.P., This is one super sad love story. There are complex themes all working together very well.
You know I am not the best person to critique country, but I will offer my ideas to use or lose.
I like the pre-chorus.I think it is stronger than the chorus. I think you could eliminate the entire chorus and use the PC as the chorus. Also, maybe a couple little tweaks:
The last petal on the rose
Wilts a little more everyday
But it somehow finds the faith to go on >>- I would par this down a bit: Somehow it finds enduring/the faith
While all others have gone away >- While all others have fallen/drifted away
If you keep the chorus:
The light of its love
Makes it feel more like a spray >- I am not sure I understand this line. Do you mean like a bunch of roses? I might simple say: Is/feels more like a spray
The last petal on a rose bringing blue skies > I would say brings
To a world that’s turned gray >- You could lose the word 'that's'
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| Posted: Wed Feb 24th, 2021 08:11 pm |
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JayDub
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Not to echo everybody else, but I love the mood you've got going on. Feels like one of the old school country love songs. I don't know the music you've got to it, but I know what I hear in my head when I read it. My only "critique" is around these two lines:
But it somehow finds the faith to go on
While all other have gone away
You may have this worked out perfectly, and I'm a big proponent of using multiple word patterns in a song so this may not even be necessary. I just think I would try:
But somehow it still goes on
While all the others have gone away
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| Posted: Wed Feb 24th, 2021 10:45 pm |
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M.P. Dudash
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Thank you Andrea and JayDub, some solid suggestions! As always I could benefit from a co-writer, or at the very least, a little different perspective. Appreciate the remarks and hopefully find some time to make changes. Thank you!
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| Posted: Thu Feb 25th, 2021 03:14 am |
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Patton
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What she sees in him he doesn’t know
Cause even he, can’t see it in himself
And the storms of life feeding him feels like
A bottomless well
You obviously put this together very well and have received some excellent feedback.
I have one question. With your rhyming structure throughout, why not carry it through in these four lines.
I'm just saying, to me, it stands out and so easy to make it conform to the footprint of a perfect lyric.
Last edited on Thu Feb 25th, 2021 03:28 am by Patton
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| Posted: Thu Feb 25th, 2021 04:12 am |
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Taylorm260
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She found hope in desperation and she promised
^^^^^ interesting
And the storms of life feeding him feels like
^^^^ storms feeding? I think a verb more closely related to storms would work better.
But it somehow finds the faith to go on
^^^^^ consider "strength"
While all others have gone away
^^^^ consider something more visual than "gone."
Makes it feel more like a spray
^^^^^^ ???
Any chance of getting sober
^^^^^^ May be a bit abrupt (which might be a good thing depending on what you want).
At his eulogy the only
Petal that was left on the rose
Laid beside him for she too had decided
It was her time to go
^^^^ my favorite part
I don't know if you're into classical music, but have you heard the Irish folk song, The Last Rose of Summer? I like the spousal aspect here, but otherwise this piece is very similar to what you have here and you may find it interesting.Last edited on Thu Feb 25th, 2021 04:15 am by Taylorm260
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| Posted: Thu Feb 25th, 2021 04:40 am |
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M.P. Dudash
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Thanks for looking Patton. Appreciate the suggestions. I was trying to indicate that the storms of life were basically feeding the last petal as of from the vase though feeding still slowly killing it. Just enough to sustain life. It didn’t hold the feeling I wanted it to but couldn’t figure a better way to write it at the time. Spray is a country reference to an old Hank Jr. song. I was weary as to how many would get it. The song is called Eleven Roses. Hank signs “there’s just something about a spray of roses.” It is basically a full bundle of roses. They are called spray roses. More full than just a single rose.
I am not a classical fan but may look into it to see what it is about. Thanks again.Last edited on Thu Feb 25th, 2021 04:41 am by M.P. Dudash
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Nelly 20
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Hi M.P. Dudash,
"last petal on the rose" is very interesting and very tender..
I like the end although it's sad but it's realistic,
Everything has a beginning and an end.
I think if you use the pre-chorus as a chorus and
the chorus as a pre-ch, it would be better because your pre-ch is stronger..
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