 |
| Posted: Fri Feb 5th, 2021 08:47 am |
|
1st Post |
derrickhand300
Member
| Joined: | Wed Nov 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | Oklahoma USA |
| Posts: | 258 |
| Favorite Artist: | Tyler Childers at the moment | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Better Over The Hill Than Under It
V1
Buried my friend John on the hill today
Laid asunder- just nature's way
Family and friends convened to cry
Church choir sang "bye -n-bye"
His wife and kids all gathered 'round
Gold velvet coverin' the cold damp ground
Representin' a golden street I suppose
Didnt see Pearly Gates if they closed
Chorus
Words from a preacher on eternal life
No more suffering no more strife
We lowered John 6 feet down to his rest
Paid John's wife my deepest respects
Thought no matter how hard life gets
Better over the hill than under it
V2
Went home alone
Got out of my Sunday best
Still thinkin of John's wife
While I undressed
She did look real pretty
Still young in the face
Wonderin how she'd look
In negligee and lace
Yeah I feel guilty
These thoughts in my head
But Im still livin
While ol John is now dead
Chorus
Words from a preacher on eternal life
No more suffering no more strife
We lowered John 6 feet down to his rest
Paid John's wife my deepest respects
Thought no matter how hard life gets
Better over the hill than under it
© 2021 Curtis Hagen All Rights Reserved
Last edited on Fri Feb 5th, 2021 08:52 am by derrickhand300
____________________
When You're A Hammer- The Whole Word Is A Nail
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Fri Feb 5th, 2021 08:49 pm |
|
2nd Post |
RainyDayMan
TSF Administrator
| Joined: | Thu May 17th, 2007 |
| Location: | Stratford, Australia |
| Posts: | 6967 |
| Favorite Artist: | James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell | | I am a: | Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
I like "Better over the hill than under it". It's a good title and hook.
V1 and the chorus give me the impression of a thoughtful mood. A funeral giving pause to think, and a renewed thankfulness at being alive.
I'm less keen on v2, it feels inappropriate. And I guess that's part of what you are going for. That life goes on, and feelings are going to rise at inappropriate times. But for me personally it feels off. It doesn't match the "deepest respects" from v1.
If you keep to it, you might want to look at the syllable counts there vs v1. V1 lines are a lot longer. If you have a melody in mind and it fits then cool, otherwise evening them up a bit might help.
____________________
https://soundcloud.com/RainyDayMan/tracks
https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=708281
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Fri Feb 5th, 2021 11:21 pm |
|
3rd Post |
derrickhand300
Member
| Joined: | Wed Nov 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | Oklahoma USA |
| Posts: | 258 |
| Favorite Artist: | Tyler Childers at the moment | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Thanks- yeah I started writing V1 and the Chorus and to me it was sounding like every other predictable song I have ever heard- it sat in a notepad file for a week or so on my desktop with no desire to finish it-I woke this morning at 2 am- took my coffee to my PC looking things over and V2 and the bridge came to me QUICKLY- as I was typing I got to thinking this is the conversation or the thoughts sometimes in folks minds - I KNEW it would not be well received but wanted to wrap it up in this fashion as I was about to delete the file from my desktop otherwise
Sometimes I enjoy writing something that's a bit shocking and totally unexpected
THANKS RDM! Yes its what I was shooting for  Last edited on Fri Feb 5th, 2021 11:22 pm by derrickhand300
____________________
When You're A Hammer- The Whole Word Is A Nail
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Tue Feb 23rd, 2021 12:12 am |
|
4th Post |
JayDub
Member
| Joined: | Wed Feb 17th, 2021 |
| Location: | Kentucky USA |
| Posts: | 82 |
| Favorite Artist: | Chris Stapleton, Eric Church, Luke Combs, Cody Johnson, Bon Jovi | | I am a: | Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
It's so irreverent....and I love it!
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Tue Feb 23rd, 2021 12:42 am |
|
5th Post |
derrickhand300
Member
| Joined: | Wed Nov 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | Oklahoma USA |
| Posts: | 258 |
| Favorite Artist: | Tyler Childers at the moment | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
hahahah I agree- thanks!
____________________
When You're A Hammer- The Whole Word Is A Nail
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Thu Feb 25th, 2021 03:47 am |
|
6th Post |
Patton
Contributor
| Joined: | Sun Feb 7th, 2021 |
| Location: | El Paso, Texas USA |
| Posts: | 71 |
| Favorite Artist: | Amy Winehouse, CCR, | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Hey! This is very good. I like the overall feel.
As always this just my take.
Your Verse V1 uses a rhyming structure:
Lines one and two rhyme
Line three and four rhyme
Lines five and six rhyme
Lines seven and eight rhyme
Your Verse V2 uses a rhyming structure:
Lines two and four rhyme
Lines six and eight rhyme.
You told me to say it like it is. I would never use two rhyming structures in a two verse lyric. The good news is it's so easy to pick one and just do a quick edit. After, when it's sung, it'll be balanced (pleasing to the ear)
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Fri Feb 26th, 2021 04:38 pm |
|
7th Post |
M.P. Dudash
Contributor
| Joined: | Mon Apr 24th, 2017 |
| Location: | Ohio USA |
| Posts: | 1339 |
| Favorite Artist: | George Jones, Coe, Twitty, Paycheck, Gosdin, Daryle Singletary | | I am a: | Other |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
🤣🤣🤣 Man, this is awesome!!!!! I have the utmost respect for writings that are true thought. Definitely one of the best ideas I’ve seen in some time. Great write!
____________________
Takamine GN71CE Sunburst
Marlen Sd-10(Supposedly used on a Byrds recording)
Self teaching in progress
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Sat Feb 27th, 2021 11:05 am |
|
8th Post |
derrickhand300
Member
| Joined: | Wed Nov 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | Oklahoma USA |
| Posts: | 258 |
| Favorite Artist: | Tyler Childers at the moment | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Thanks Patton!
A few months ago when I started writing I worried a lot about syllable counts and proper rhyming structure- lately I have tossed that out the window Maybe I am lazy but my concern now is to get a few lines in every verse with a rhyme- I am enjoying keeping things unpredictable at the moment-I am sure that will change again soon ( as I evolve)
____________________
When You're A Hammer- The Whole Word Is A Nail
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Sat Feb 27th, 2021 11:06 am |
|
9th Post |
derrickhand300
Member
| Joined: | Wed Nov 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | Oklahoma USA |
| Posts: | 258 |
| Favorite Artist: | Tyler Childers at the moment | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Thank you MP! I was starting to feel bad that maybe I was the ONLY one in the world that had these conflicting thoughts after a funeral
____________________
When You're A Hammer- The Whole Word Is A Nail
|
|
Back To Top
|
Andrea
Moderator
| Joined: | Tue Nov 27th, 2018 |
| Location: | Poughkeepsie, New York USA |
| Posts: | 2051 |
| Favorite Artist: | Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Alright, there is some good stuff here, but it doesn't fit together well IMO.
To make this work you need to start addressing the 'lust/attraction' in V2. Maybe even V1.
As RDM pointed out by saying "V1 and the chorus give me the impression of a thoughtful mood. A funeral giving pause to think, and a renewed thankfulness at being alive."
Then the lyrics take a turn. If it was movie, there would be time to make this happen. But in lyrics, it doesn't feel coherent as a whole.
If you want to take the risqué route, then I would look to change V2 entirely. If not, then V2 need to be re-witten. The structure is completely different too.
For the risque' route, you will need to change the mood of the chorus too. The hook could still work, but there needs to be a connection to V2. One thing that popped into my mind was the rhyme of rest and dress. It might offer an interesting rhyme.
____________________
Andrea
|
|
Back To Top
|
Nelly 20
Member
| Joined: | Tue Jan 5th, 2021 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 72 |
| Favorite Artist: | | | I am a: | Other |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Hi derrick,
It's really very good lyric but you use two different rhyme structures. in v1 and v2 , I think you can think of it again and rewrite the verses using one rhyme structure..
____________________
Reaching the top is so hard but not impossible.
|
|
Back To Top
|
|
|
|
