derrickhand300 wrote:
Taylorm260 wrote:
A couple tokes for courage
^^^^^ Is "tokes" an older-timey word or jargin? I personally don't know what that means.
Another puff for good measure
^^^ still not totally sure what you mean.
(chorus)
"I love you so much- you are my everything!"
"I want to wake beside you for the rest of my life"
"Without you I am nothing"
"I'm so proud to be your wife!"
"I cant imagine a world without you"
"We will be together forever"
"Our love will see us through"
I like the idea of the chorus being a list of the written promises. It ties in well. However, it is a bit cliché. I don't know if using more distinct methods of saying these things is appropriate since you are speaking for someone else here, but you might play with showing her promises in a different way.
The beautiful words you penned in ink
^^^^^ this line is essentially saying what you've already said several times; that the promises are handwritten. Could you give us some new details about the card?
That your fire would someday burn out
^^^^ "that" seems slightly grammatically awkward to me.
In scribbled words you shared
^^^^^ another opportunity to say something new.
(chorus)
'I love you so much- you are my everything!'
'I want to wake beside you for the rest of my life'
'Without you I am nothing'
'Im so proud to be your wife!'
'I cant imagine a world without you'
'I want to be with you forever'
'Our love will see us through'
Since you shift to your own feelings of faded love at the end, it might be interesting if you change the perspective of the last chorus so that it reads something like "I'm so proud to be your man".
Solid concept! I can read the sadness and I think that the idea of memories brought up by old cards is an experience with which many can relate. Gives me more of an older-style country vibe. Good job at isolating a simple but emotional slice of life. It is original and the symbolism is effective.
YOUR feedback is ALWAYS so awesome! I will work with your suggestions entirely
A 'toke" and "puff" refer to taking a drag off a marijuana cigarette ( It kinda dates me)
What you wrote here really strikes home
The beautiful words you penned in ink
^^^^^ this line is essentially saying what you've already said several times; that the promises are handwritten. Could you give us some new details about the card?
MY struggle in the lyrics was to explain that these 'lines" were NOT the lines written in a card by hallmark- they were the actual lines SHE added- was "trying" to avoid that confusion
The chorus is cheezy because I actually dug out a box full of cards I had hid away and saved through the years and wanted to use the exact handwritten words she wrote- for the song to be appealing to the masses I need to 'reinvent" some of those
THANK YOU again for ALL the thought you put in- I feel it makes me better
Took your feedback to heart late last night and then again this morning- ended up doing a total re-write of the song- I think its much better thanks to your input so I greatly appreciate it! I added a bunch of references to "The Sea" that came to me while trying to write a different song last night- the challenge has been tying to make them fit this song. its still a work in progress as are ALL my songs so ANY additional feedback appreciated!
Sea of Cards
(V1)
I love you but I'm not in love with you
Saddening words uttered as you left
Whispered softly though they resonate
Like a bass drum in my empty chest
As darkness fell this evening
I dug out a tattered paper box
Holdin' a cache of memories
In wooden drawer beneath some socks
A Pandora's Box of promises
Holding cards in lavender and tan
Some with ribbons and lace
All written in your soft hand
(Chorus)
Reliving every word silently
A tear falls from my cheek
A single drop of heartache
Stains the flowing blue ink
I once was your everything
You promised to always be by my side
You couldn't imagine a world without me
So proud to be my wife
Now a sea of broken promises
Carry away my dreams
Angry tides wash away the yesterdays
When I was your everything
(V2)
Not for a moment did I see it ending
Never felt your love's ebb and flow
Trying to weather this storm
It's so hard letting go
No wind left in my sails
No shelter from the storm
The Sea that separates us
Keeps me from your warmth
Feels like a different lifetime
A past where you honestly cared
Still humbled by the tenderness
In scribbled expressions you always shared
(Chorus)
Reliving every word silently
A tear falls from my cheek
A single drop of heartache
Stains the flowing blue ink
I once was your everything
You promised to always be by my side
You couldn't imagine a world without me
So proud to be my wife
Now a sea of broken promises
Carry away my dreams
Angry tides wash away the yesterdays
When I was your everything
(Bridge)
I'll put my song in a bottle
Cast it to a lonely sea
Pray true love finds it
Then comes to rescue me
Our past I cant un-sing
Now stranded here alone
Imprisoned on a deserted isle
Where yesterdays have gone
(Chorus)
Reliving every word silently
A tear falls from my cheek
A single drop of heartache
Stains the flowing blue ink
I once was your everything
You promised to always be by my side
You couldn't imagine a world without me
So proud to be my wife
Now a sea of broken promises
Carry away my dreams
Angry tides wash away the yesterdays
When I was your everything
© 2021 Curtis Hagen All Rights Reserved
Attachment: 138188436_103006238444898_6592584935492280154_n.jpg (Downloaded 6 times) Last edited on Wed Jan 20th, 2021 05:25 pm by derrickhand300
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When You're A Hammer- The Whole Word Is A Nail
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