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In The Cards
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 Posted: Sat Jan 16th, 2021 01:59 pm
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1st Post
derrickhand300
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Joined: Wed Nov 25th, 2020
Location: Oklahoma USA
Posts: 258
Favorite Artist: Tyler Childers at the moment
I am a: Songwriter
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My wife used to give me cards with beautiful handwritten messages on my Birthday and Fathers day- I kept 17 years of them in a drawer. Going through things a few days ago and reading the cards I decided to try and write a song about them-It does need some help :)

In The Cards
(Verse1)
"I LOVE you" but not "IN LOVE with you"
Painful words spoken when you left
Thrown out in brutal honesty
Ripping the heart from my chest

Months later and still alone
I came across this little box
Holdin' my collection of you
In a drawer under some socks

On my Birthdays and on Fathers Day
Kept your every handwritten card
I struggle with the memories,
Guess I'm still takin it pretty hard

I'd really like to open it
But I dont think I can
It's where I kept your promises
Back when I was your man

A couple tokes for courage
Another puff for good measure
Looking through your cards
At handwritten thoughts I'd treasured

(chorus)
"I love you so much- you are my everything!"
"I want to wake beside you for the rest of my life"
"Without you I am nothing"
"I'm so proud to be your wife!"
"I cant imagine a world without you"
"We will be together forever"
"Our love will see us through"

(Verse 2)
Never felt it ending,
Not once did I doubt
The beautiful words you penned in ink
That your fire would someday burn out
Feels like a different lifetime
A past where you honestly cared
Still humbled by the tenderness
In scribbled words you shared

(chorus)
'I love you so much- you are my everything!'
'I want to wake beside you for the rest of my life'
'Without you I am nothing'
'I'm so proud to be your wife!'
'I cant imagine a world without you'
'I want to be with you forever'
'Our love will see us through'

(Bridge)
Don't have the heart to tell you
I'm not in love myself anymore
The way you made it look so easy
When you walked out that door
I know this comes as a twist
But I dont want you back
It's just OUR past I miss
And our love I thought would last

(chorus)
'I love you so much- you are my everything!'
'I want to wake beside you for the rest of my life'
'Without you I am nothing'
'Im so proud to be your wife!'
'I cant imagine a world without you'
'I want to be with you forever'
'Our love will see us through'

Last edited on Sat Jan 16th, 2021 02:00 pm by derrickhand300



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 Posted: Sun Jan 17th, 2021 06:54 am
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Taylorm260
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Joined: Wed Dec 9th, 2020
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Posts: 64
Favorite Artist: Carrie Underwood, Miranda Lambert, Cam
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
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A couple tokes for courage
^^^^^ Is "tokes" an older-timey word or jargin? I personally don't know what that means.

Another puff for good measure
^^^ still not totally sure what you mean.

(chorus)
"I love you so much- you are my everything!"
"I want to wake beside you for the rest of my life"
"Without you I am nothing"
"I'm so proud to be your wife!"
"I cant imagine a world without you"
"We will be together forever"
"Our love will see us through"

I like the idea of the chorus being a list of the written promises. It ties in well. However, it is a bit cliché. I don't know if using more distinct methods of saying these things is appropriate since you are speaking for someone else here, but you might play with showing her promises in a different way.

The beautiful words you penned in ink
^^^^^ this line is essentially saying what you've already said several times; that the promises are handwritten. Could you give us some new details about the card?

That your fire would someday burn out
^^^^ "that" seems slightly grammatically awkward to me.

In scribbled words you shared
^^^^^ another opportunity to say something new.

(chorus)
'I love you so much- you are my everything!'
'I want to wake beside you for the rest of my life'
'Without you I am nothing'
'Im so proud to be your wife!'
'I cant imagine a world without you'
'I want to be with you forever'
'Our love will see us through'

Since you shift to your own feelings of faded love at the end, it might be interesting if you change the perspective of the last chorus so that it reads something like "I'm so proud to be your man".

Solid concept! I can read the sadness and I think that the idea of memories brought up by old cards is an experience with which many can relate. Gives me more of an older-style country vibe. Good job at isolating a simple but emotional slice of life. It is original and the symbolism is effective.



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 Posted: Wed Jan 20th, 2021 03:40 am
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3rd Post
derrickhand300
Member


Joined: Wed Nov 25th, 2020
Location: Oklahoma USA
Posts: 258
Favorite Artist: Tyler Childers at the moment
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Taylorm260 wrote:
A couple tokes for courage
^^^^^ Is "tokes" an older-timey word or jargin? I personally don't know what that means.

Another puff for good measure
^^^ still not totally sure what you mean.

(chorus)
"I love you so much- you are my everything!"
"I want to wake beside you for the rest of my life"
"Without you I am nothing"
"I'm so proud to be your wife!"
"I cant imagine a world without you"
"We will be together forever"
"Our love will see us through"

I like the idea of the chorus being a list of the written promises. It ties in well. However, it is a bit cliché. I don't know if using more distinct methods of saying these things is appropriate since you are speaking for someone else here, but you might play with showing her promises in a different way.

The beautiful words you penned in ink
^^^^^ this line is essentially saying what you've already said several times; that the promises are handwritten. Could you give us some new details about the card?

That your fire would someday burn out
^^^^ "that" seems slightly grammatically awkward to me.

In scribbled words you shared
^^^^^ another opportunity to say something new.

(chorus)
'I love you so much- you are my everything!'
'I want to wake beside you for the rest of my life'
'Without you I am nothing'
'Im so proud to be your wife!'
'I cant imagine a world without you'
'I want to be with you forever'
'Our love will see us through'

Since you shift to your own feelings of faded love at the end, it might be interesting if you change the perspective of the last chorus so that it reads something like "I'm so proud to be your man".

Solid concept! I can read the sadness and I think that the idea of memories brought up by old cards is an experience with which many can relate. Gives me more of an older-style country vibe. Good job at isolating a simple but emotional slice of life. It is original and the symbolism is effective.


YOUR feedback is ALWAYS so awesome! I will work with your suggestions entirely
A 'toke" and "puff" refer to taking a drag off a marijuana cigarette ( It kinda dates me)

What you wrote here really strikes home
The beautiful words you penned in ink
^^^^^ this line is essentially saying what you've already said several times; that the promises are handwritten. Could you give us some new details about the card?


MY struggle in the lyrics was to explain that these 'lines" were NOT the lines written in a card by hallmark- they were the actual lines SHE added- was "trying" to avoid that confusion

The chorus is cheezy because I actually dug out a box full of cards I had hid away and saved through the years and wanted to use the exact handwritten words she wrote- for the song to be appealing to the masses I need to 'reinvent" some of those
THANK YOU again for ALL the thought you put in- I feel it makes me better

Last edited on Wed Jan 20th, 2021 03:41 am by derrickhand300



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 Posted: Wed Jan 20th, 2021 03:47 am
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4th Post
derrickhand300
Member


Joined: Wed Nov 25th, 2020
Location: Oklahoma USA
Posts: 258
Favorite Artist: Tyler Childers at the moment
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Yes its kind of inspired by the George Jones song- He Stopped Loving her Today " He had underlined in red- every single I love you"

Last edited on Wed Jan 20th, 2021 03:47 am by derrickhand300



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 Posted: Wed Jan 20th, 2021 05:13 pm
  PMQuoteReply
5th Post
derrickhand300
Member


Joined: Wed Nov 25th, 2020
Location: Oklahoma USA
Posts: 258
Favorite Artist: Tyler Childers at the moment
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
derrickhand300 wrote:
Taylorm260 wrote:
A couple tokes for courage
^^^^^ Is "tokes" an older-timey word or jargin? I personally don't know what that means.

Another puff for good measure
^^^ still not totally sure what you mean.

(chorus)
"I love you so much- you are my everything!"
"I want to wake beside you for the rest of my life"
"Without you I am nothing"
"I'm so proud to be your wife!"
"I cant imagine a world without you"
"We will be together forever"
"Our love will see us through"

I like the idea of the chorus being a list of the written promises. It ties in well. However, it is a bit cliché. I don't know if using more distinct methods of saying these things is appropriate since you are speaking for someone else here, but you might play with showing her promises in a different way.

The beautiful words you penned in ink
^^^^^ this line is essentially saying what you've already said several times; that the promises are handwritten. Could you give us some new details about the card?

That your fire would someday burn out
^^^^ "that" seems slightly grammatically awkward to me.

In scribbled words you shared
^^^^^ another opportunity to say something new.

(chorus)
'I love you so much- you are my everything!'
'I want to wake beside you for the rest of my life'
'Without you I am nothing'
'Im so proud to be your wife!'
'I cant imagine a world without you'
'I want to be with you forever'
'Our love will see us through'

Since you shift to your own feelings of faded love at the end, it might be interesting if you change the perspective of the last chorus so that it reads something like "I'm so proud to be your man".

Solid concept! I can read the sadness and I think that the idea of memories brought up by old cards is an experience with which many can relate. Gives me more of an older-style country vibe. Good job at isolating a simple but emotional slice of life. It is original and the symbolism is effective.


YOUR feedback is ALWAYS so awesome! I will work with your suggestions entirely
A 'toke" and "puff" refer to taking a drag off a marijuana cigarette ( It kinda dates me)

What you wrote here really strikes home
The beautiful words you penned in ink
^^^^^ this line is essentially saying what you've already said several times; that the promises are handwritten. Could you give us some new details about the card?


MY struggle in the lyrics was to explain that these 'lines" were NOT the lines written in a card by hallmark- they were the actual lines SHE added- was "trying" to avoid that confusion

The chorus is cheezy because I actually dug out a box full of cards I had hid away and saved through the years and wanted to use the exact handwritten words she wrote- for the song to be appealing to the masses I need to 'reinvent" some of those
THANK YOU again for ALL the thought you put in- I feel it makes me better


Took your feedback to heart late last night and then again this morning- ended up doing a total re-write of the song- I think its much better thanks to your input so I greatly appreciate it! I added a bunch of references to "The Sea" that came to me while trying to write a different song last night- the challenge has been tying to make them fit this song. its still a work in progress as are ALL my songs so ANY additional feedback appreciated!

Sea of Cards

(V1)
I love you but I'm not in love with you
Saddening words uttered as you left
Whispered softly though they resonate
Like a bass drum in my empty chest

As darkness fell this evening
I dug out a tattered paper box
Holdin' a cache of memories
In wooden drawer beneath some socks

A Pandora's Box of promises
Holding cards in lavender and tan
Some with ribbons and lace
All written in your soft hand

(Chorus)
Reliving every word silently
A tear falls from my cheek
A single drop of heartache
Stains the flowing blue ink
I once was your everything
You promised to always be by my side
You couldn't imagine a world without me
So proud to be my wife
Now a sea of broken promises
Carry away my dreams
Angry tides wash away the yesterdays
When I was your everything

(V2)
Not for a moment did I see it ending
Never felt your love's ebb and flow
Trying to weather this storm
It's so hard letting go

No wind left in my sails
No shelter from the storm
The Sea that separates us
Keeps me from your warmth

Feels like a different lifetime
A past where you honestly cared
Still humbled by the tenderness
In scribbled expressions you always shared

(Chorus)
Reliving every word silently
A tear falls from my cheek
A single drop of heartache
Stains the flowing blue ink
I once was your everything
You promised to always be by my side
You couldn't imagine a world without me
So proud to be my wife
Now a sea of broken promises
Carry away my dreams
Angry tides wash away the yesterdays
When I was your everything

(Bridge)
I'll put my song in a bottle
Cast it to a lonely sea
Pray true love finds it
Then comes to rescue me
Our past I cant un-sing
Now stranded here alone
Imprisoned on a deserted isle
Where yesterdays have gone

(Chorus)
Reliving every word silently
A tear falls from my cheek
A single drop of heartache
Stains the flowing blue ink
I once was your everything
You promised to always be by my side
You couldn't imagine a world without me
So proud to be my wife
Now a sea of broken promises
Carry away my dreams
Angry tides wash away the yesterdays
When I was your everything


© 2021 Curtis Hagen All Rights Reserved

Attachment: 138188436_103006238444898_6592584935492280154_n.jpg (Downloaded 6 times)

Last edited on Wed Jan 20th, 2021 05:25 pm by derrickhand300



____________________
When You're A Hammer- The Whole Word Is A Nail
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