 |
| Posted: Wed Jan 13th, 2021 01:06 pm |
|
1st Post |
derrickhand300
Member
| Joined: | Wed Nov 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | Oklahoma USA |
| Posts: | 258 |
| Favorite Artist: | Tyler Childers at the moment | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
In my mind I have #TylerChilders singing this to a melody like #WhitehouseRoad
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtVrDud1gZM&list=RDooj1QCxd88w&index=24
No Need Callin' Mama
(Verse 1)
When travelin' across western Oklahoma
Keep on 'til you reach that Texas line
Don't even stop for fuel
Unless you plan on doin' time
Beckham County good ol' boys
Always dyin' to stop and say "hello"
Then there gonna search your car
No plans on lettin' you go
They're sure to find something,
Even if it was never there
Gathering up the "evidence"
Pulled out of thin air
(Chorus)
"Come On Vacation-Leave On Probation "
They ought to put it on a sign
Stake it in the grass along I-40
At The Beckham County Line
DA's gonna get her Court Costs
Lawyers' gonna get his fees
No need callin' mama
She aint got the keys
(Verse 2)
Dont waste no time worrying about
All they plant from their trunk
It wont matter none tonight
Your sleep'n on the top bunk
Now take my warning serious
I'm writing from a cell
Don't stop in Beckham County
Unless you're lookin for the jail
(Chorus)
"Come On Vacation-Leave On Probation "
They ought to put it on a sign
Stake it in the grass along I-40
At The Beckham County Line
DA's gonna get her Court Costs
Lawyers' gonna get his fees
No need callin' mama
She aint got the keysLast edited on Sat Jan 16th, 2021 02:06 pm by derrickhand300
____________________
When You're A Hammer- The Whole Word Is A Nail
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Sun Jan 17th, 2021 07:13 am |
|
2nd Post |
Taylorm260
Member
| Joined: | Wed Dec 9th, 2020 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 64 |
| Favorite Artist: | Carrie Underwood, Miranda Lambert, Cam | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Unless you plan on doin' time
^^^^ mmmmk. Interesting.
"Come On Vacation-Leave On Probation "
^^^^ nice original rhyme
No need callin' mama
She aint got the keys
^^^^ I like this line, but I'm not sure if this is the right song for it unless you explain it a little further. I might just be being super picky on the logic (I was trained to write essays, not songs lol), but my issue with this line is that she isn't locked out of her car, so that isn't the problem. If you are referring to jail-cell keys, then it isn't explicitly clear. However, it may be more obvious to other audiences.
Dont waste no time worrying about
All they plant from their trunk
^^^^ not totally sure what you mean. Again, maybe other people will understand it better than I do, but do you mean they are taking things from their own trunks and planting it in the subject's trunk?
(Chorus)
"Come On Vacation-Leave On Probation "
They ought to put it on a sign
Stake it in the grass along I-40
At The Beckham County Line
DA's gonna get her Court Costs
Lawyers' gonna get his fees
No need callin' mama
She aint got the keys
My favorite part of this is the first half of the chorus. It seems upbeat but serious at the same time. And I like the isolation of the sign idea. Can I ask what inspired this one?
____________________
Disclaimer: I am a beginner! Take any advice from me with a grain of salt because I probably don't know what I'm talking about!
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Sun Jan 17th, 2021 09:52 am |
|
3rd Post |
derrickhand300
Member
| Joined: | Wed Nov 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | Oklahoma USA |
| Posts: | 258 |
| Favorite Artist: | Tyler Childers at the moment | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Taylorm260 wrote:
Unless you plan on doin' time
^^^^ mmmmk. Interesting.
"Come On Vacation-Leave On Probation "
^^^^ nice original rhyme
No need callin' mama
She aint got the keys
^^^^ I like this line, but I'm not sure if this is the right song for it unless you explain it a little further. I might just be being super picky on the logic (I was trained to write essays, not songs lol), but my issue with this line is that she isn't locked out of her car, so that isn't the problem. If you are referring to jail-cell keys, then it isn't explicitly clear. However, it may be more obvious to other audiences.
Dont waste no time worrying about
All they plant from their trunk
^^^^ not totally sure what you mean. Again, maybe other people will understand it better than I do, but do you mean they are taking things from their own trunks and planting it in the subject's trunk?
(Chorus)
"Come On Vacation-Leave On Probation "
They ought to put it on a sign
Stake it in the grass along I-40
At The Beckham County Line
DA's gonna get her Court Costs
Lawyers' gonna get his fees
No need callin' mama
She aint got the keys
My favorite part of this is the first half of the chorus. It seems upbeat but serious at the same time. And I like the isolation of the sign idea. Can I ask what inspired this one?
Thank you-I live in Beckham County Oklahoma along I40- its a crooked lil rural Peyton place of a county- good people- terrible justice system "good ol boy" its all about WHO you know
Paul Harvey actually once said on the air "If you want to get away with murder- go to Beckham County Oklahoma"
As for myself I did 4 years in prison on a trumped up drug charge ( that was 20 years ago) where they actually PLANTED evidence after kicking my door in and finding nothing
Always wished thee was a song about this place- so now Ive written it 
As for the lines- they all come from real life experience
Once when we were young my friend got thrown in jail for the weekend here for fighting- when he called his dad to make his bail his dad said " Why you callin me Robert? I aint got the keys!" for 30 years that's made me laugh ( I just adapted to a mother)
"Oklahoma- Come on vacation-leave on probation" is a term I heard a lot 20 years ago in prison- an inmate used to say it all the time and it stuck in my head
"Doin Time" of course represents going to jail or prison
You REALLY did get all the slang correct
I will come back to it and polish it up some more
and THANK YOU always for helping me!
CurtisLast edited on Sun Jan 17th, 2021 09:54 am by derrickhand300
____________________
When You're A Hammer- The Whole Word Is A Nail
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Sun Jan 17th, 2021 05:13 pm |
|
4th Post |
Taylorm260
Member
| Joined: | Wed Dec 9th, 2020 |
| Location: | |
| Posts: | 64 |
| Favorite Artist: | Carrie Underwood, Miranda Lambert, Cam | | I am a: | Singer/Songwriter/Musician |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Wow, how terrible. I'm sorry you had to deal with that!
____________________
Disclaimer: I am a beginner! Take any advice from me with a grain of salt because I probably don't know what I'm talking about!
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Sun Jan 17th, 2021 05:44 pm |
|
5th Post |
derrickhand300
Member
| Joined: | Wed Nov 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | Oklahoma USA |
| Posts: | 258 |
| Favorite Artist: | Tyler Childers at the moment | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Taylorm260 wrote:
Wow, how terrible. I'm sorry you had to deal with that!
Thank you- it was a long time ago and I rationalize the injustice of it all by telling myself it was "time" for the things I NEVER got caught doing. Life has give me a great deal to write about
Which brings me to my next hit single!
EVERYONE'S GOT A STORY
____________________
When You're A Hammer- The Whole Word Is A Nail
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 21st, 2021 07:07 pm |
|
6th Post |
Andrea
Moderator
| Joined: | Tue Nov 27th, 2018 |
| Location: | Poughkeepsie, New York USA |
| Posts: | 2021 |
| Favorite Artist: | Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Hi Curtis,These are entertaining lyrics, with quite the background story. Sorry that happened to you - it sounds like a perfectly awful experience. Except the final verse, the rhyme scheme holds well (cell and jail do not rhyme. Maybe -- A stop in Beckham County ensures a stint in Hell). The syllable counts are a bit off, so I would try to tweak the lines a bit here and there.
I will start by saying country is not a genre I am too familiar with, so many of my comments may be off base.
V1 L1 seems like a mouthful to sing. I woud trim it down:
"When travelin' across western Oklahoma" >>- Passin' through Western Oklahoma
"Then there gonna search your car" >>- The 'they are gonna' lacks a visual and sounds aawkward. Maybe-- pull you over, search you car
"They're sure to find something" >>- This can be better. How about They're sure to find that coke, or They're sure to find four ounces (not sure how many onces it takes to get sent to prison).
I would eliminate this part altogether, and make the second hlaf a bridge. I like the little twist that the narrator is writing from prison.
"Dont waste no time worrying about
All they plant from their trunk
It wont matter none tonight
Your sleep'n on the top bunk" >>- it doesn't really fit
I hope some of my comments will be helpful or at least inspire new ideas
____________________
Andrea
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 21st, 2021 08:24 pm |
|
7th Post |
derrickhand300
Member
| Joined: | Wed Nov 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | Oklahoma USA |
| Posts: | 258 |
| Favorite Artist: | Tyler Childers at the moment | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Andrea wrote:
Hi Curtis,These are entertaining lyrics, with quite the background story. Sorry that happened to you - it sounds like a perfectly awful experience. Except the final verse, the rhyme scheme holds well (cell and jail do not rhyme. Maybe -- A stop in Beckham County ensures a stint in Hell). The syllable counts are a bit off, so I would try to tweak the lines a bit here and there.
I will start by saying country is not a genre I am too familiar with, so many of my comments may be off base.
V1 L1 seems like a mouthful to sing. I woud trim it down:
"When travelin' across western Oklahoma" >>- Passin' through Western Oklahoma
"Then there gonna search your car" >>- The 'they are gonna' lacks a visual and sounds aawkward. Maybe-- pull you over, search you car
"They're sure to find something" >>- This can be better. How about They're sure to find that coke, or They're sure to find four ounces (not sure how many onces it takes to get sent to prison).
I would eliminate this part altogether, and make the second hlaf a bridge. I like the little twist that the narrator is writing from prison.
"Dont waste no time worrying about
All they plant from their trunk
It wont matter none tonight
Your sleep'n on the top bunk" >>- it doesn't really fit
I hope some of my comments will be helpful or at least inspire new ideas
Thanks Andrea!I say it often- but out of EVERY place Ive seen on the internet THIS is the best place for constructive feedback! It a VERY small active group here and thats sad because EVERYONE that writes should be here. I actually feel like some of you are educators in real life- or retired from it-likely backgrounds in writing or music
I do love your suggestions-you identified the place that i also felt were weak and could use improvement as I found myself "rushing" to finish it- I will return to those this even for a rewrite
Again I appreciate yall!
PS- we talk funny in Oklahoma- hehe- so we write that way to- thats where words like "gonna: come in....Its funny-It 1980 I had this American Government and Politics teacher- she followed my posts on facebook awhile all these years later then she finally commented "Only in Oklahoma can you say "Fixin to" and everyone knows what you're talking about I say words like "fixin to" a ot in everyday language and even typing- if you ever heard my voice you would say 'man what a hick!" I do enjoy writing in a more intelligent fashion though- it allows me to be understood as "ME"Last edited on Thu Jan 21st, 2021 08:29 pm by derrickhand300
____________________
When You're A Hammer- The Whole Word Is A Nail
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 21st, 2021 08:46 pm |
|
8th Post |
Andrea
Moderator
| Joined: | Tue Nov 27th, 2018 |
| Location: | Poughkeepsie, New York USA |
| Posts: | 2021 |
| Favorite Artist: | Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
I like the lingo in the lyrics. I think it gives it a country flare. OH, and I say 'gonna' too. I see no reason why it can't be in a lyric as long as it fits the style.
I agree, Feedback from the forum is often very helpful. I look forward to reading your changes, and more of your lyrics
____________________
Andrea
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 21st, 2021 09:46 pm |
|
9th Post |
derrickhand300
Member
| Joined: | Wed Nov 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | Oklahoma USA |
| Posts: | 258 |
| Favorite Artist: | Tyler Childers at the moment | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Andrea- took your advice and started working. I tried best i could to clean up the syllable count
Took the paragraph out of V2 and used it for a Bridge
Which left me needing a new V2?
As you can see in the place of " ....... " is where I could use some help. "laughter" is the best rhyme I could come up with for "After" but struggling to fill in the line 
Also if you see changes you feel need to be made OR if I need to trash V2 in part or all and start over please let me know your opinion
I would like to submit this to that Pitch To pro pipeline on Fridays tomorrow so any feedback appreciated ( I always try to submit something each Friday)
Here goes...
No Need Callin' Mama
(Verse 1)
Passin' through Western Oklahoma
Keep on 'til that Texas line
Don't even stop for fuel
Unless you plan on doin' time
Beckham County good ol' boys
Dyin' to stop and say "hello"
Then they search your car
No plans on lettin' you go
They're sure to find contraband
Even when it was never there
Gathering up their "evidence"
Pullin' it out of thin air
(Chorus)
"Come On Vacation-Leave On Probation "
They ought to put it on a sign
Stake it in the grass along I-40
At The Beckham County Line
DA's gonna get her Court Costs
Lawyers' gonna get his fees
No need callin' mama
She aint got the keys
(Verse 2)
You can smile for your mug shot
Make a face that looks real sad
Aint goin' to make no difference
Now that you been had!
Gonna get your phone call
Sure they'll feed you beans
Just plan on spendin time
If you aint got the green
Dollars are what they're after
Make no doubts about that
Bein' broke aint no joke
......................laughter
(Bridge)
Now take my warning serious
I'm sittin' here awaiting bail
Don't stop in Beckham County
Unless you're lookin for jail
(Chorus)
"Come On Vacation-Leave On Probation "
They ought to put it on a sign
Stake it in the grass along I-40
At The Beckham County Line
DA's gonna get her Court Costs
Lawyers' gonna get his fees
No need callin' mama
She aint got the keysLast edited on Thu Jan 21st, 2021 09:48 pm by derrickhand300
____________________
When You're A Hammer- The Whole Word Is A Nail
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 21st, 2021 10:01 pm |
|
10th Post |
derrickhand300
Member
| Joined: | Wed Nov 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | Oklahoma USA |
| Posts: | 258 |
| Favorite Artist: | Tyler Childers at the moment | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
This is going to sound like a dumb question- but are 'That" and "Fact" an acceptable rhyme?
In my mind its a 'Kinda Rhyme" 
I was thinking of this
Dollars are what they're after
Make no doubts about that
Bein' broke aint no joke
Just a Beckham County fact
____________________
When You're A Hammer- The Whole Word Is A Nail
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 21st, 2021 11:13 pm |
|
11th Post |
Andrea
Moderator
| Joined: | Tue Nov 27th, 2018 |
| Location: | Poughkeepsie, New York USA |
| Posts: | 2021 |
| Favorite Artist: | Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
I did a quick read through. I am about to sit down to dinner with my family, but will give you feedback later.
What is the 'Pitch To pro pipeline'?
____________________
Andrea
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 22nd, 2021 12:58 am |
|
12th Post |
derrickhand300
Member
| Joined: | Wed Nov 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | Oklahoma USA |
| Posts: | 258 |
| Favorite Artist: | Tyler Childers at the moment | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Andrea wrote:
I did a quick read through. I am about to sit down to dinner with my family, but will give you feedback later.
What is the 'Pitch To pro pipeline'?
Its a facebook group where they accept songs and lyrics on Fridays- the lady that runs it will occasionally pick a few to pitch to her network of music pros
____________________
When You're A Hammer- The Whole Word Is A Nail
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 22nd, 2021 01:26 am |
|
13th Post |
Andrea
Moderator
| Joined: | Tue Nov 27th, 2018 |
| Location: | Poughkeepsie, New York USA |
| Posts: | 2021 |
| Favorite Artist: | Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Hi D,
I think your lyrics would be well suited for verse/chorus/verse/chorus/bridge/chorus structure. I believe you have enough without the new verses to work best.
I took the liberty to include changes in a version, so feel free to ignore anything you do not like.
Repetition in the chorus is almost essential, so I added that. Oh yeah, I changed the title. For me 'The Beckham County Line' as a hook is intriguing.
The Beckham County Line (Title and Hook)
V1
Passin' through Western Oklahoma
Keep on 'til that Texas line
Don't even stop for fuel
Unless you plan on doin' time
Beckham County good ol' boys
Dyin' to stop and say "hello"
Itchin' to search your car
(With) No plans to let you go
(Chorus)
The Beckham County Line
Oh, The Beckham County line >>- this line is an extra. It might not work with music
Come On Vacation-Leave On Probation
They ought to put it on a sign
Stake it along I-40
At The Beckham County Line
Oh, the Beckham County Line
V2
They're sure to find contraband (I still prefer something that evokes a visual, but this is ok)
Hell, the po-po don't play fair
Gathering up their "evidence"
Pullin' it out of thin air
DA's gonna get her court costs >>-court costs sounds odd - can you find something else? How about - DA's gonna get her numbers?
Lawyers' gonna get his fees
No need callin' mama
She aint got the keys
(Chorus)
The Beckham County Line
Oh, The Beckham County line
Come On Vacation-Leave On Probation
They ought to put it on a sign
Stake it along I-40
At The Beckham County Line
Oh, the Beckham County Line
Bridge
Now take my warning serious (another used saying would be - Don't take my warning lightly)
I'm sittin' here awaiting bail >>- this isn't as strong as the guy already in jail. I like the original better.
Don't stop in Beckham County
Unless you're lookin for jail
Idea:
Don't take my warning lightly
I'm writing from my cell
A stop in Beckham County
Is a one way trip to Hell
Chorus)
The Beckham County Line
Oh, The Beckham County line
Come On Vacation-Leave On Probation
They ought to put it on a sign
Stake it in the grass along I-40
At The Beckham County Line
Oh, the Beckham County Line
____________________
Andrea
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 22nd, 2021 01:57 am |
|
14th Post |
derrickhand300
Member
| Joined: | Wed Nov 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | Oklahoma USA |
| Posts: | 258 |
| Favorite Artist: | Tyler Childers at the moment | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Andrea wrote:
WOW- That's REALLY good and Im impressed you used po-po! I cant make the extra lines about Beckham Couunty work in my head because I cant hear music or even melody-hope to develop that someday
I also like the lines that contain "hell" so im stealing them Thank you again- and hope you all enjoyed supper!
Last edited on Fri Jan 22nd, 2021 02:36 am by derrickhand300
____________________
When You're A Hammer- The Whole Word Is A Nail
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 22nd, 2021 02:11 am |
|
15th Post |
Andrea
Moderator
| Joined: | Tue Nov 27th, 2018 |
| Location: | Poughkeepsie, New York USA |
| Posts: | 2021 |
| Favorite Artist: | Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Hi D, I would love to read the final version. I feel a bit invested in this (I really like it and hope I helped some). Please let post any changes, and please let us all know how the 'Pitch To pro pipelin" goes 😊
Can you tell me what the 'Pitch To pro pipeline' is? I am interested to know more about it.
____________________
Andrea
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 22nd, 2021 02:47 am |
|
16th Post |
derrickhand300
Member
| Joined: | Wed Nov 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | Oklahoma USA |
| Posts: | 258 |
| Favorite Artist: | Tyler Childers at the moment | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Thanks Andrea!
Here's where im at
I used many of the word changes you added- well- because they were great!
I also changed the structure to the one you suggested to V/C/V/C/B/C ( I didn't know we could do That! )
In my mind I cant make the "Oh Beckham County" part work- only because I cant hear it.
I think Beckham County Line as a title/hook best suits the song- my worry is that its so specific ( being a location) that most folks wont read the lyrics- just from reading the title.
If I read:
Mama Aint Got The Keys
or
No Need Callin Mama
That sort of makes me think "hmmm...what's this about?" and want to read on
I LOVE to share with you the finished version- but so far every single one Ive finished Ive gone back to in a couple weeks and changed I will PM you about the Pitch to Pro Pipeline thing that way i can send you a link then you can decide if its suitable to share here
I would love for this song to be sung like this
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WtVrDud1gZM&list=RDooj1QCxd88w&index=24
Here goes- dont hate me!
No Need Callin' Mama
(V1 1)
Passin' through Western Oklahoma
Keep on 'til that Texas line
Don't even stop for fuel
Unless you plan on doin' time
Beckham County good ol' boys
Dyin' to stop and say "hello"
Itchin' to search your car
With no plans on lettin' you go
(Chorus)
"Come On Vacation-Leave On Probation "
They ought to put it on a sign
Stake it in the grass along I-40
At The Beckham County Line
DA's gonna get her fines
Lawyers' gonna get his fees
No need callin' mama
She aint got the keys
(V2)
They're sure to find a stash
These po-po don't play fair
Gathering up their "evidence"
Pullin' it out of thin air
Dollars are what they're after
So you better have some cash
But bein' broke aint no joke
In this Beckham County trap
(Chorus)
"Come On Vacation-Leave On Probation "
They ought to put it on a sign
Stake it in the grass along I-40
At The Beckham County Line
DA's gonna get her fines
Lawyers' gonna get his fees
No need callin' mama
She aint got the keys
(Bridge)
Don't take my warning lightly
I'm writing from my cell
A stop in Beckham County
Is a one way trip to Hell
(Chorus)
"Come On Vacation-Leave On Probation "
They ought to put it on a sign
Stake it in the grass along I-40
At The Beckham County Line
DA's gonna get her fines
Lawyers' gonna get his fees
No need callin' mama
She aint got the keysLast edited on Fri Jan 22nd, 2021 03:24 am by derrickhand300
____________________
When You're A Hammer- The Whole Word Is A Nail
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 22nd, 2021 04:19 am |
|
17th Post |
Andrea
Moderator
| Joined: | Tue Nov 27th, 2018 |
| Location: | Poughkeepsie, New York USA |
| Posts: | 2021 |
| Favorite Artist: | Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
This is just my opinion, but I think the chorus would be better with a hook that repeats. For me, I find 'The Beckham County Line' or 'At the Beckham County Line' intriguing. A good hook and repetition in the chorus is very important.
It might be helpful to hear from some other members. Overall, this is looking pretty good. I think you have a really interesting story
____________________
Andrea
|
|
Back To Top
|
| Posted: Fri Jan 22nd, 2021 05:13 am |
|
18th Post |
derrickhand300
Member
| Joined: | Wed Nov 25th, 2020 |
| Location: | Oklahoma USA |
| Posts: | 258 |
| Favorite Artist: | Tyler Childers at the moment | | I am a: | Songwriter |
| Status: |
Offline
|
|
Thanks! Will keep everything open with it
____________________
When You're A Hammer- The Whole Word Is A Nail
|
|
Back To Top
|
|
|
|
