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I Came Here To Talk With You
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 Posted: Wed Jan 6th, 2021 06:03 pm
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derrickhand300
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Joined: Wed Nov 25th, 2020
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I Came Here To Talk With You

(Verse 1)
Yesterday there was a baseball game
Played under a hot summer sun
Our boy really got all over a pitch
He beat out his first Home Run!

Our daughters learning girl stuff
Has her first boyfriend in school
Commin' in late just like her mama
She dont mind breakin' rules

That lil dog of yours still sits at the door
Sometimes I hear her whine
Still thinks you're comin' home
I guess she'll figure it out in time

(Chorus)
I came here to talk with you
Wanted to tell you what we've done
There was a ballgame yesterday
Our little boy hit a home run
Our daughter she's a candle
Burnin way to bright
Always keeping me up late
To catch her sneakin in at night

I brought fresh flowers just like last Sunday
And laid them here on the ground
Our marker will be here soon
Then I'll put silk flowers all around
It's carved from Black Granite
Got these words etched deep in stone
"The good lord made an angel
Then he took you home"

Give our baby boy my kisses
Tell him their from Dad
Let him know we will be together someday
Then it won't be so sad

I brought him this lil yellow truck
He's gonna really think it's neat!
Im putting it with the flowers
Down here by your feet

I'll be back next sunday
To catch you up on things
We know you're a busy angel
Now that you got wings

(Chorus)
I came here to talk with you
Wanted to tell you what we've done
There was a ballgame yesterday
Our little boy hit a home run
Our daughter she's a candle
Burnin way to bright
Always keeping me up late
Wishin it was you each night

Last edited on Fri Jan 8th, 2021 05:12 am by derrickhand300



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 Posted: Fri Jan 8th, 2021 02:01 pm
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Andrea
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Hi, I think you have a good concept started here that has a strong emotional feel. IMO you have too much going on. Adding in a second death feels tangent to the main theme.

Here are some of my personal thoughts to use or lose :)

(Verse 1) >> - I would try to reword this verse.
Yesterday there was a baseball game >>- This sounds awkward
Played under a hot summer sun
Our boy really got all over a pitch >>- This is odd. Maybe it is baseball lingo that not everyone will understand.
He beat out his first Home Run! >>- this doesn't make sense. How do you know it would have been a home run?


Our daughters learning girl stuff >>- what girl stuff? An example would be stronger
Has her first boyfriend in school
Commin' in late just like her mama >- this is confusing. Does the mama come in late too? (I know later this in not the case, but here it is unclear)
She dont mind breakin' rules

That lil dog of yours still sits at the door >-- Why is the dog just hers? Our dog. I would make this V1 - it sets up that someone is gone.
Sometimes I hear her whine
Still thinks you're comin' home
I guess she'll figure it out in time

(Chorus)
I came here to talk with you
Wanted to tell you what we've done
There was a ballgame yesterday
Our little boy hit a home run
Our daughter she's a candle
Burnin way to bright
Always keeping me up late
To catch her sneakin in at night

>>-- The chorus here should be different, but is a recap of the verses. Maybe something about missing her, wishing she was there, saying they are ok.

I brought fresh flowers just like last Sunday
And laid them here on the ground
Our marker will be here soon
Then I'll put silk flowers all around
It's carved from Black Granite
Got these words etched deep in stone
"The good lord made an angel
Then he took you home"

>>- I would shorten this and make this the bridge. It is the big twist that it is the mom and that she died (until now I didn't know why she was gone).

Give our baby boy my kisses
Tell him their from Da
Let him know we will be together someday
Then it won't be so sad

I brought him this lil yellow truck
He's gonna really think it's neat!
Im putting it with the flowers
Down here by your feet

>>- as I said above, I would eliminate these 2 verses.

I'll be back next sunday
To catch you up on things
We know you're a busy angel
Now that you got wings

>>- I am not sure you need this either.

(Chorus)
I came here to talk with you
Wanted to tell you what we've done
There was a ballgame yesterday
Our little boy hit a home run
Our daughter she's a candle
Burnin way to bright
Always keeping me up late
Wishin it was you each night



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Andrea
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 Posted: Fri Jan 8th, 2021 03:23 pm
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derrickhand300
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Thanks Andrea I will work on it

This story takes place on a Sunday
The boy is in Little league and those games are on Saturdays in the summer

"Got all over a pitch" is actually baseball lingo which means he really hit the ball hard- the kids are actually too little to hit actual home runover fences usually so they hit it on the ground and are able to make it around all the bases- thats also lingo for ' beating out a home run"

I really wanted that to come through in the song- parents are REALLY excited when this happens:)

As for the TWO deaths I am trying to convey that the husband lost both a little boy AND a wife together to a tragedy- (Maybe childbirth- maybe a car accident?)

The mom was pretty young and a bit of a rebel girl in her youth- maybe still was some when she passed ie:-maybe she would not ALWAYS do the things her husband asked or followed HIS rules ( I do need to work on that) But those are the thoughts I was hoping to evoke with the lyrics- I will keep working on them and THANKS AGAIN for reading my lyrics



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 Posted: Fri Jan 8th, 2021 07:38 pm
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Andrea
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I would leave out the baseball longo. My kids played little league too and I was not familiar with these terms, so maybe other people will not get it either.

Idea - or something like this:

Our little guys in Little league
He's having so much fun
Wish you were with me cheering
Yesterday he hit his first homerun

As for the double loss - I don't think the idea that they died together comes through. I think it is stronger if you do not try to fit too much in one lyric. It already tugs the heartstrings when you realize the mom has died.

You said, "The mom was pretty young and a bit of a rebel girl in her youth- maybe still was some when she passed ie:-maybe she would not ALWAYS do the things her husband asked or followed HIS rules ( I do need to work on that) But those are the thoughts I was hoping to evoke with the lyrics- I will keep working on them and THANKS AGAIN for reading my lyrics"

I don't think trying to convey that the mom was a rebel is pertinent to the theme you have going. I am getting that this man wishes she were still with the family experiencing life together. It also comes through that time has passed, since the kids are growing up, but he still loves and misses her. That is plenty for one lyric/song :)

As you can tell, I think simple works better. Keep the story tight and clear. But, these are just my own thoughts, and others may disagree. Hope it helps a little :)



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 Posted: Fri Jan 8th, 2021 07:55 pm
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derrickhand300
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Andrea wrote:
I would leave out the baseball longo. My kids played little league too and I was not familiar with these terms, so maybe other people will not get it either.

Idea - or something like this:

Our little guys in Little league
He's having so much fun
Wish you were with me cheering
Yesterday he hit his first homerun

As for the double loss - I don't think the idea that they died together comes through. I think it is stronger if you do not try to fit too much in one lyric. It already tugs the heartstrings when you realize the mom has died.

You said, "The mom was pretty young and a bit of a rebel girl in her youth- maybe still was some when she passed ie:-maybe she would not ALWAYS do the things her husband asked or followed HIS rules ( I do need to work on that) But those are the thoughts I was hoping to evoke with the lyrics- I will keep working on them and THANKS AGAIN for reading my lyrics"

I don't think trying to convey that the mom was a rebel is pertinent to the theme you have going. I am getting that this man wishes she were still with the family experiencing life together. It also comes through that time has passed, since the kids are growing up, but he still loves and misses her. That is plenty for one lyric/song :)

As you can tell, I think simple works better. Keep the story tight and clear. But, these are just my own thoughts, and others may disagree. Hope it helps a little :)


THANK YOU AGAIN! I was actually working outside when I saw your comments come across my phone so came in to write
I LOVE your take on the first verse and will be reworking it with what you shared

I am also going to rework the part about the mom being a rule breaker some
I don't think trying to convey that the mom was a rebel is pertinent to the theme you have going. I am getting that this man wishes she were still with the family experiencing life together. It also comes through that time has passed, since the kids are growing up, but he still loves and misses her. That is plenty for one lyric/song :)
I think what I am trying to do here is best explained with the phrase "Like Mother-Like Daughter" -that he sees a great deal of his wife in their daughter


As for the lil boy and the little yellow truck- I will need to figure out a better way to explain it in a bridge or something? The reason being a couple weeks ago I took a lil yellow Tonka truck up to my boys marker-its really what inspired me to write the song. I have tried to write the song so that it encompasses conversations I have had with lost loved ones at the cemetery ( sometimes verbal sometimes in my mind) because I feel everyone thats lost a loved one experiences this when they pay respects and put out flowers
THANK YOU again for ALL the time you shared to help me with this! I do greatly appreciate it

Last edited on Fri Jan 8th, 2021 07:58 pm by derrickhand300



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 Posted: Fri Jan 8th, 2021 08:00 pm
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echo insider
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Beautiful subject. Quite an emotional song.very challenging as these things can easily go wrong by getting too sentimental and devolving into a bathetic meditation on mundane episodes. So kudos. I appreciated the first verse and did not find the lingo confusing, although i'm not a baseball person.got the gist/ So i don't see a problem. would be quite unique or rare representation if he wanted to tell her about their son  beating out something else. the girl's getting action. what i mean is that things are represented in a hallmark, idyllic way. just become maudlin and saccarine. Anyway, just wanted to share my impressions hope its of some value to you. Very nice rhyming flow. I agree that some more details would be good. cheers



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 Posted: Sat Jan 9th, 2021 02:19 am
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derrickhand300
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echo insider wrote:
Beautiful subject. Quite an emotional song.very challenging as these things can easily go wrong by getting too sentimental and devolving into a bathetic meditation on mundane episodes. So kudos. I appreciated the first verse and did not find the lingo confusing, although i'm not a baseball person.got the gist/ So i don't see a problem. would be quite unique or rare representation if he wanted to tell her about their sonĀ  beating out something else. the girl's getting action. what i mean is that things are represented in a hallmark, idyllic way. just become maudlin and saccarine. Anyway, just wanted to share my impressions hope its of some value to you. Very nice rhyming flow. I agree that some more details would be good. cheers
Thank you very much! I appreciate you taking the time



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