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| Posted: Mon Jan 4th, 2021 01:53 am |
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derrickhand300
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Posting here and the feedback gives me the courage to keep trying to write songs 
Im just finishing up my 3rd and wanted to put it out there for advice-THANK YOU ALL
I'll Always Be Here Tomorrow
She was just a young girl-ready to take the world by surprise
Now a single mom with a baby boy - the stars slowly falling in her eyes
Troubled about their future - She rocks him to bed at night
Tomorrow's gonna come early - Her shift starts at first light
She works two double shifts in a row - Then one more day and her hours are in
Four days left to hold him close - Her story is about to begin
(Chorus)
She holds him in her arms, Whispering "I'll always be here tomorrow"
Im never gonna let you go,I couldnt bear the sorrow
I promise to never leave you, No matter what we face
I will love you forever, It's the promise that I make
(Verse 2)
School seemed to pass quickly as she watched her little boy grow
Kndergarten, football games then high school band,four years in a row
She feared the day she knew would come when she'd have to say goodbye
Each time she pushed those thoughts away, they always made her cry
He gave her a rose at graduation
Finished High School at the top of his class
Then off to college after summer vacation
All these years she's kept his rose under glass
(Chorus)
She once held him in her arms, Whispering "I'll always be here tomorrow"
Im never gonna let you go,I couldnt bear the sorrow
I promise to never leave you, No matter what we face
I will love you forever, It's the promise that I make
(Verse 3)
Soon he had a family, A house and kids of his own
From a thousand miles away, They talked each night by phone
She can hear it in his voice every time he says goodbye
How her little boy has grown up, again she starts to cry
She knows life goes on, as fast as it can
Her little boy had to quickly become a man
The hole left in her heart never seems to heal
Leaving an emptiness only a mother can feel
(Bridge)
She kept his room the way it was-just like he had never gone
She slept some nights in there, while time was writing her song
He flew to her side the moment he got the news,
She didnt have long to live
He pressed his lips to hers with all the love a boy can give
Holding his mama tight as tears ran down his face
She passed away that night with a mama's peaceful grace
(Final Chorus)
He held her in his arms Whispering "I'll always be here tomorrow"
Im never gonna let you go, I couldnt bear the sorrow
I promise to never leave you, No matter what we face
I will love you forever, It's the promise that I makeLast edited on Mon Jan 4th, 2021 01:55 am by derrickhand300
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| Posted: Mon Jan 4th, 2021 02:47 am |
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Taylorm260
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She was just a young girl-ready to take the world by surprise
Now a single mom with a baby boy - the stars slowly falling in her eyes
---- OK, you have my attention. I really like the stars thing. You could also try "the sun setting in her eyes" or stars fading.
She works two double shifts in a row - Then one more day and her hours are in
Four days left to hold him close - Her story is about to begin
----- interesting... 4 days.
(Chorus)
She holds him in her arms, Whispering "I'll always be here tomorrow"
---------- slightly awkward
Im never gonna let you go,I couldnt bear the sorrow
---- how about I'll never let you go?
I promise to never leave you, No matter what we face
I will love you forever, It's the promise that I make
----- how about "I will never leave you". I don't think you need promise twice.
(Verse 2)
School seemed to pass quickly as she watched her little boy grow
Kndergarten, football games then high school band,four years in a row
----------- as a band kid, my first thought is that football season and band season are concurrent.
He flew to her side the moment he got the news,
She didnt have long to live
----- gosh darn it. You just had to go there didn't you?
(Final Chorus)
He held her in his arms Whispering "I'll always be here tomorrow"
Im never gonna let you go, I couldnt bear the sorrow
I promise to never leave you, No matter what we face
I will love you forever, It's the promise that I make
-----... I hate you. Just kidding! Seriously though, pretty good job with the emotion there. Sweet and sad. It's a lot like Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood. I was working on a similar kind of song myself haha except it involved the father more than the mother. That being said, I respect what you've done here. Nice work.
P.S. whatever happened with that 4 days thing? I feel like that's an untied end.
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Disclaimer: I am a beginner! Take any advice from me with a grain of salt because I probably don't know what I'm talking about!
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| Posted: Mon Jan 4th, 2021 02:57 am |
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derrickhand300
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I LOVE your suggestions and plan to use MOST of them! That's REALLY what I was looking for!
When I met my wife she was a single mom of an 11 month old boy and she was 22 yrs old living with her sister
She had gone to nursing school but had to stop to give birth- after her baby was born she took a job at a nursing home where they would allow her 40 hours a week- so she worked two double shifts in a row ( 16 hours one day and 16 the next) which gave her 32 hours- then on the third day she worked an 8 hour shift and would have the following 4 days off to spend with her new born baby! To see her work SO HARD for that is what really made e fall in love with her! I was trying to get that across briefly in the song- any ideas? Thanks for your suggestions I will start adding them NOW!
PS -Right now that little boy is my adopted son- he graduates this year here in Oklahoma and going off to Michigan State for a degree in Physics- his mom has been struggling with this day for the last 17 years- so its based on that ( I told her I would try to write a song about how she is feeling)
Also changed the title to LOVE YOU FOREVER
Last edited on Mon Jan 4th, 2021 03:49 am by derrickhand300
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| Posted: Mon Jan 4th, 2021 02:59 am |
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derrickhand300
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Yeah- I KNEW I threw "she didn't have long to live" in there pretty abruptly Figured i might as well hit them with it Last edited on Mon Jan 4th, 2021 03:15 am by derrickhand300
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| Posted: Mon Jan 4th, 2021 03:11 am |
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derrickhand300
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Here it is with your suggestions' which I REALLY appreciate
Thank you for taking the time!
I'll Always Be Here Tomorrow
She was just a young girl-ready to take the world by surprise
Now a single mom with a baby boy - the stars fading in her eyes
Troubled about their future - She rocks him to bed at night
Tomorrow's gonna come early - Her shift starts at first light
She works two double shifts in a row - Then one more day and her hours are in
Four days left to hold him close - Her story is about to begin
(Chorus)
She holds him in her arms, saying "I'll always be here tomorrow"
I will never let you go, I couldn't bear the sorrow
Just know I'll never leave you, No matter what we face
I will love you forever, It's the promise that I make
(Verse 2)
School seemed to pass quickly as she watched her little boy grow
Kindergarten, football games and high school band, four years in a row
She feared the day she knew would come when she'd have to say goodbye
Each time she pushed those thoughts away, they always made her cry
He gave her a rose at graduation
Finished High School at the top of his class
Then off to college after summer vacation
All these years she's kept his rose under glass
(Chorus)
She once held him in her arms, saying "I'll always be here tomorrow"
I'm never gonna let you go, I couldn't bear the sorrow
Just know I'll never leave you, No matter what we face
I will love you forever, It's the promise that I make
(Verse 3)
Soon he had a family, A house and kids of his own
From a thousand miles away, They talked each night by phone
She can hear it in his voice every time he says goodbye
How her little boy has grown up, again she starts to cry
She knows life goes on, as fast as it can
Her little boy had to quickly become a man
The hole left in her heart never seems to heal
Leaving an emptiness only a mother can feel
(Bridge)
She kept his room the way it was-just like he had never gone
She slept some nights in there, while time was writing her song
He flew to her side the moment he got the news,
She didn't have long to live
He pressed his lips to hers with all the love a boy can give
Holding his mama tight as tears ran down his face
She passed away that night with a mama's peaceful grace
(Final Chorus)
He held her in his arms crying "I'll always be here tomorrow"
I'm never gonna let you go, I couldn't bear the sorrow
Just know I'll never leave you, No matter what we face
I will love you forever, It's the promise that I makeLast edited on Mon Jan 4th, 2021 03:14 am by derrickhand300
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| Posted: Mon Jan 4th, 2021 09:26 pm |
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RainyDayMan
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Has a very warm, tender feeling to it. And you tell the story well.
You might consider reversing the order of lines in the chorus to put your title & hook at the end where it will have the most emphasis:
I will love you forever, It's the promise that I make
Just know I'll never leave you, No matter what we face
I'm never gonna let you go, I couldn't bear the sorrow
She holds him in her arms, saying "I'll always be here tomorrow"
In the bridge you may not need the first two lines as they don't really relate to the key message there.
It's a touching song.
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| Posted: Tue Jan 5th, 2021 03:14 am |
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derrickhand300
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THANK YOU!
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| Posted: Tue Jan 5th, 2021 03:52 am |
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SongWriterJoe
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That one line doesn't work very well I think you meant to say "she rocks him to sleep at night"
Other suggestions:
"The bright stars slowly fading from her eyes"
"Tomorrow comes too early"Last edited on Tue Jan 5th, 2021 03:57 am by SongWriterJoe
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| Posted: Tue Jan 5th, 2021 11:24 pm |
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derrickhand300
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Yep - you are spot on- thank you!
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derrickhand300
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I should have a recorded version of this tomorrow with all the suggestions yall kindly shared here incorporated into it- I will share a link if thats acceptable?
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SongWriterJoe
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Brought a tear to my old eyes
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derrickhand300
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Thanks Joe! thats what I'm after
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derrickhand300
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RainyDayMan wrote:
Indeed, that's the preferred method
Well...honestly- my demo sucked. My fault though as I am unable to give the guy anything but lyrics to work with 
I am going to have to improve
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