The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters > Lyrics Lounge > Country Lyrics - All Forms > Empty Hope Chest |
The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters > Lyrics Lounge > Country Lyrics - All Forms > Empty Hope Chest |
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derrickhand300 Member 
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Please critic my lyrics if you have time Empty Hope Chest (Verse 1) Our life had been a struggle I know you tried your best You needed more than "just gettin' by" And I couldn't give the rest You took your things and left Without even a goodbye When I came home and found you gone I sat down to cry I found the note you left On that empty Hope Chest Sitting all alone At the foot of our bed Struggling to hold back the tears I held your note and read (Chorus) "I hope you can forgive me Its nothing to do with you" "I just need to find myself "I'm sorry that its through" Please dont try to find me You'll forget in time" "I only took the things That I felt were mine" (Verse 2) You took your grandmother’s quilt The patches faded and worn And a white linen dress for a little girl Who would never be born You took the memories of the son we lost Your fathers watch and keys The only thing that you left behind Was me (Chorus) "I hope you can forgive me Its nothing to do with you" "I just need to find myself "I'm sorry that its through" Please dont try to find me You'll forget in time" "I only took the things That I felt were mine" (Bridge) Days turned into years Winters have come and past Some nights I fight the tears The emptineess still holdin' fast Each morning starts a new day As I wake from the dream You are here putting keepsakes away it's a reoccuring theme For just a moment I smile I dont want to open my eyes Seein' that empty Hope Chest Just makes me realize Youre not commin' home (Chorus) "I hope you can forgive me Its nothing to do with you" "I just need to find myself "I'm sorry that its through" Please dont try to find me You'll forget in time" "I only took the things That I felt were mine" |
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M.P. Dudash Contributor 
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Derrick, it has a more classic feel to it for sure. One thing I think would serve you better is to change the chorus to include the title. I personally think your current chorus would be better as a bridge than the chorus. It seems to flow pretty good overall. A few changes and it’ll work. |
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derrickhand300 Member
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Thank you! |
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RainyDayMan TSF Administrator 
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"Empty Hope Chest" is a great title - really evocative. And perfectly suits the story. my fav line is at the end of v2: The only thing that you left behind Was me And all of verse 2 feels strong. "Its nothing to do with you" doesn't read very smoothly. Perhaps: "It's not because of you"? Just an idea, but I'm wondering if you could make the things she took away "joy", "hope", "love" rather than concrete things? But maybe that's a different song. Overall I think it's got legs. |
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Taylorm260 Member
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Our life had been a struggle I know you tried your best You needed more than "just gettin' by" And I couldn't give the rest ^^^ Good. It's informative but not shoved down the audience's throat. "I held your note and read." Very nice, smooth transition. I agree with everything RainyDayMan said except for that last part. I love verse two. Using the objects to represent memories is so effective, and it really drills the last line of that verse home. I think verse two is very nice. I suppose you could include that idea of his in your bridge or another verse though. Also, have you heard the song, Buy Me a Rose? I kind of get similar vibes from your lyrics as that song. I don't know why lol. Last edited on Tue Dec 29th, 2020 02:18 am by Taylorm260 |
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cmaja Member 
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Hey, Derrick, I like this... a lot! A very loving and tender lyric that would make a beautiful song. The bridge is a little long but I don’t care. I love broken-hearted songs. I felt a tug in my heart as I read it. Excellent job! Charles |
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derrickhand300 Member
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Thank you RainyDayMan! I greatly appreciate your thoughts! I apologize I am late replying as I did not receive an email notification anyone had replied AGAIN- MANY THANKS! |
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derrickhand300 Member
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Thank you very much! |
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derrickhand300 Member
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Thank you! Yes the objects are important to me as they wee actually a part of our life together so they are "concrete"  I did actually change 'Your fathers watch and keys" to "Your mothers recipes" Last edited on Mon Jan 4th, 2021 12:49 am by derrickhand300 |
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SongWriterJoe Member 
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Ideas: "give the rest" -> provide the rest "Who would never be born" -> Who never would be born (Bridge) The days have stretched into years Winters.. come and gone Some nights I fight *back* tears And emptiness'til dawn. Last edited on Tue Jan 5th, 2021 03:32 am by SongWriterJoe |
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derrickhand300 Member
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Thanks Joe-I actually had 'provide" the rest early on and changed it- might need to change it back.I also like your other suggestions and will make that change- hope to get this recorded in a few weeks- thank you again! |
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derrickhand300 Member
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Thank you Charles! |
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derrickhand300 Member
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Thank you Taylor! I grew up with Kenny Rodgers and cant believe I didnt know this song! I think its very close to the perfect vibe I am after. I was set on something like Randy Travis and "Diggin up Bones"- But I like your better Thank you |
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