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| Posted: Tue Dec 22nd, 2020 01:09 am |
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derrickhand300
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Please critic my lyrics if you have time
Empty Hope Chest
(Verse 1)
Our life had been a struggle
I know you tried your best
You needed more than "just gettin' by"
And I couldn't give the rest
You took your things and left
Without even a goodbye
When I came home and found you gone
I sat down to cry
I found the note you left
On that empty Hope Chest
Sitting all alone
At the foot of our bed
Struggling to hold back the tears
I held your note and read
(Chorus)
"I hope you can forgive me
Its nothing to do with you"
"I just need to find myself
"I'm sorry that its through"
Please dont try to find me
You'll forget in time"
"I only took the things
That I felt were mine"
(Verse 2)
You took your grandmother’s quilt
The patches faded and worn
And a white linen dress for a little girl
Who would never be born
You took the memories of the son we lost
Your fathers watch and keys
The only thing that you left behind
Was me
(Chorus)
"I hope you can forgive me
Its nothing to do with you"
"I just need to find myself
"I'm sorry that its through"
Please dont try to find me
You'll forget in time"
"I only took the things
That I felt were mine"
(Bridge)
Days turned into years
Winters have come and past
Some nights I fight the tears
The emptineess still holdin' fast
Each morning starts a new day
As I wake from the dream
You are here putting keepsakes away
it's a reoccuring theme
For just a moment I smile
I dont want to open my eyes
Seein' that empty Hope Chest
Just makes me realize
Youre not commin' home
(Chorus)
"I hope you can forgive me
Its nothing to do with you"
"I just need to find myself
"I'm sorry that its through"
Please dont try to find me
You'll forget in time"
"I only took the things
That I felt were mine"
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| Posted: Tue Dec 22nd, 2020 08:10 pm |
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M.P. Dudash
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Derrick, it has a more classic feel to it for sure. One thing I think would serve you better is to change the chorus to include the title. I personally think your current chorus would be better as a bridge than the chorus. It seems to flow pretty good overall. A few changes and it’ll work.
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| Posted: Wed Dec 23rd, 2020 12:15 am |
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derrickhand300
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Thank you!
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| Posted: Thu Dec 24th, 2020 02:45 am |
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RainyDayMan
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"Empty Hope Chest" is a great title - really evocative.
And perfectly suits the story.
my fav line is at the end of v2:
The only thing that you left behind
Was me
And all of verse 2 feels strong.
"Its nothing to do with you" doesn't read very smoothly.
Perhaps: "It's not because of you"?
Just an idea, but I'm wondering if you could make the things she took away "joy", "hope", "love" rather than concrete things? But maybe that's a different song.
Overall I think it's got legs.
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| Posted: Tue Dec 29th, 2020 03:11 am |
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Taylorm260
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Our life had been a struggle
I know you tried your best
You needed more than "just gettin' by"
And I couldn't give the rest
^^^ Good. It's informative but not shoved down the audience's throat.
"I held your note and read." Very nice, smooth transition.
I agree with everything RainyDayMan said except for that last part. I love verse two. Using the objects to represent memories is so effective, and it really drills the last line of that verse home. I think verse two is very nice. I suppose you could include that idea of his in your bridge or another verse though.
Also, have you heard the song, Buy Me a Rose? I kind of get similar vibes from your lyrics as that song. I don't know why lol.Last edited on Tue Dec 29th, 2020 03:18 am by Taylorm260
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| Posted: Sun Jan 3rd, 2021 09:13 pm |
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cmaja
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Hey, Derrick, I like this... a lot! A very loving and tender lyric that would make a beautiful song. The bridge is a little long but I don’t care. I love broken-hearted songs. I felt a tug in my heart as I read it. Excellent job!
Charles
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| Posted: Mon Jan 4th, 2021 01:45 am |
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derrickhand300
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Thank you RainyDayMan! I greatly appreciate your thoughts!
I apologize I am late replying as I did not receive an email notification anyone had replied
AGAIN- MANY THANKS!
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| Posted: Mon Jan 4th, 2021 01:45 am |
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derrickhand300
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Thank you very much!
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| Posted: Mon Jan 4th, 2021 01:47 am |
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derrickhand300
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Thank you!
Yes the objects are important to me as they wee actually a part of our life together so they are "concrete" 
I did actually change 'Your fathers watch and keys" to "Your mothers recipes"Last edited on Mon Jan 4th, 2021 01:49 am by derrickhand300
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SongWriterJoe
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Ideas:
"give the rest" -> provide the rest
"Who would never be born" -> Who never would be born
(Bridge)
The days have stretched into years
Winters.. come and gone
Some nights I fight *back* tears
And emptiness'til dawn.Last edited on Tue Jan 5th, 2021 04:32 am by SongWriterJoe
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derrickhand300
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Thanks Joe-I actually had 'provide" the rest early on and changed it- might need to change it back.I also like your other suggestions and will make that change- hope to get this recorded in a few weeks- thank you again!
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derrickhand300
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Thank you Charles!
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derrickhand300
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Thank you Taylor! I grew up with Kenny Rodgers and cant believe I didnt know this song! I think its very close to the perfect vibe I am after. I was set on something like Randy Travis and "Diggin up Bones"- But I like your better
Thank you
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