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Should have been in bed
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Sun Dec 20th, 2020 11:59 pm
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PerryC
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Took a trip on the companies dime
Career decision my boss said
Boarded a plane to Dallas that night
When I should have been in bed
Put me up at the Four Seasons Lodge
Then met a lady dressed in red
Spent the night in the night club dancing
When I should have been in bed

Might not make it back to Knoxville
We might go to her home instead
Time was the only thing that was still
When I should have been in bed

We talked about damn near everything
Our future plans we made instead
At a table holding her hand
When we should have been in bed

Might not make it back to Knoxville
We might go to her home instead
Time was the only thing that was still
When I should have been in bed

Copyright@perrymattingly12122020



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Love the art - the challenge - the struggle

https://soundcloud.com/perry-mattingly-53964
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 Posted: Mon Dec 21st, 2020 04:03 am
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Taylorm260
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Hi! I like the hook, and I really like the structure. I think that the inclusion of that hook at the end of each verse works really well. Just an idea, you could also use the idea of having been messing with a woman the singer shouldn't have been messing with and that is why he should have been in bed. The extra element of scandal might add a little fun. Solid concept though.



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 Posted: Mon Dec 21st, 2020 12:49 pm
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PerryC
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thank you



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Gibson J-15 - Apple - Shure SM58 - Fishman Loudbox Artist - Focusrite Gen 3 - Cakewalk Sonar 8.5 Producer - Ableton - 1961 Silvertone 1448 - Epiphone PS 352 SR

Love the art - the challenge - the struggle

https://soundcloud.com/perry-mattingly-53964
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 Posted: Thu Dec 24th, 2020 02:52 am
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RainyDayMan
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Suggestions:

Career decision > Turning point

We might go to her home instead > We might go to her home state instead

Time was the only thing that was still > Time was the only thing standing still

You might well end up repeating the chorus at the end.
If so, you might consider singing:
I'm not going back to Knoxville
the final time. Just to make the change definite.



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 Posted: Thu Dec 24th, 2020 02:55 am
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PerryC
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pretty good sugestions

Thanks



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Gibson J-15 - Apple - Shure SM58 - Fishman Loudbox Artist - Focusrite Gen 3 - Cakewalk Sonar 8.5 Producer - Ableton - 1961 Silvertone 1448 - Epiphone PS 352 SR

Love the art - the challenge - the struggle

https://soundcloud.com/perry-mattingly-53964
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 Posted: Fri Jan 1st, 2021 09:24 pm
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Andrea
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Happy New Year Perry,

I like your hook. It drew me in to want to read your lyric. Looks like you have some excellent feedback and suggestions for tweaks. Good luck developing this is you decide to.

Please also remember to leave feedback for others. The rule is 2 feedbacks for each post. Leaving feedback for others usually results in more reviews for yourself too :)



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 Posted: Fri Jan 1st, 2021 11:33 pm
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PerryC
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oh, ok sorry, but thanks for the reviews and comments.



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Gibson J-15 - Apple - Shure SM58 - Fishman Loudbox Artist - Focusrite Gen 3 - Cakewalk Sonar 8.5 Producer - Ableton - 1961 Silvertone 1448 - Epiphone PS 352 SR

Love the art - the challenge - the struggle

https://soundcloud.com/perry-mattingly-53964
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 Posted: Mon Jan 4th, 2021 02:03 am
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derrickhand300
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I do like the story! And i like that its "simple" to follow.
A line that stands out at me that I think could be improved

Spent the night in the night club dancing

I dont care for using the word "Night" and "Night Club" in the same line

Just feels "Redundant" I guess is the word?

Maybe
"Spent my last dime in the night club dancing..."
or "Shared our time in the night club dancing"

I am REALLY new but wanted to share my limited feedback- its a cool song!

Last edited on Mon Jan 4th, 2021 02:03 am by derrickhand300



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 Posted: Mon Jan 4th, 2021 11:45 am
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PerryC
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You may be new but your spot on, thanks.



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Gibson J-15 - Apple - Shure SM58 - Fishman Loudbox Artist - Focusrite Gen 3 - Cakewalk Sonar 8.5 Producer - Ableton - 1961 Silvertone 1448 - Epiphone PS 352 SR

Love the art - the challenge - the struggle

https://soundcloud.com/perry-mattingly-53964
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 Posted: Tue Jan 5th, 2021 04:00 am
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SongWriterJoe
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Good story line



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 Posted: Tue Jan 5th, 2021 01:49 pm
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PerryC
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Thank you



____________________
Gibson J-15 - Apple - Shure SM58 - Fishman Loudbox Artist - Focusrite Gen 3 - Cakewalk Sonar 8.5 Producer - Ableton - 1961 Silvertone 1448 - Epiphone PS 352 SR

Love the art - the challenge - the struggle

https://soundcloud.com/perry-mattingly-53964
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