The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters Home 

Welcome to The Songwriters' Forum - by Songwriters, for Songwriters!
Please log on to view our discussion forum in its entirety.

I Love You Lies
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
New Topic Reply Printer Friendly
 Rate Topic 
AuthorPost
 Posted: Sat Dec 19th, 2020 03:59 pm
  PMQuoteReply
1st Post
M.P. Dudash
Contributor


Joined: Mon Apr 24th, 2017
Location: Ohio USA
Posts: 1339
Favorite Artist: George Jones, Coe, Twitty, Paycheck, Gosdin, Daryle Singletary
I am a: Other
Status: 
Offline
Walks himself out the door
He looks for reasons he looks for chores
Anything to set him free
From their world of make believe
That she don’t think that he can see

She tells I love you lies
Looks straight into his eyes
What once was a raging fire now lacks desire
She tells I love you lies

He says he does but he don’t
At least the way he once had known
It’s like a movie that’s been shown
In the end resentment grows
Living in a comfort zone

He tells I love you lies
Looks straight into her eyes
What once was a raging fire now lacks desire
He tells I love you lies

They try to hide it with a smile
If they could they would get out
Three words come from their mouths
Holding habit and that’s about
The only thing that they don’t doubt

They tell I love you lies
Look into the others eyes
What once was a raging fire now lacks desire
They tell I love you lies

Once a month they both share
Out of need not out of care
They’d rather be elsewhere
Where there’s merit not despair
In the words that meet the air

They tell I love you lies
Look into the others eyes
What once was a raging fire now lacks desire
They tell I love you lies

They’ll choose comfort till they die
There won’t be a paradise
They tell I love you lies

(Alternate ending)
They’re not quickly passing time
Days like years roll slowly by
Living I love you lies

Copyright © Michael P Dudash 2020

Last edited on Sat Dec 19th, 2020 06:18 pm by M.P. Dudash



____________________
Takamine GN71CE Sunburst
Marlen Sd-10(Supposedly used on a Byrds recording)
Self teaching in progress
Back To Top 


 Posted: Sat Dec 19th, 2020 09:45 pm
  PMQuoteReply
2nd Post
Taylorm260
Member
 

Joined: Wed Dec 9th, 2020
Location:  
Posts: 65
Favorite Artist: Carrie Underwood, Miranda Lambert, Cam
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Online
Hello! I really like this song idea. I like how "everyday" it seems. Music often talks about the most dramatic affairs of life, and there is a place for that. However, I find that music depicting regular experiences is often easier for audiences to relate to. I like the idea of a sort of cold lacking of love, because a lot of times that's what it is. It isn't always fiery and dramatic. I feel that a lot of people could relate to your idea. This line seems a bit grammatically awkward to me: He says he does but he don’t,
At least the way he once had known. The first time I read through this I was thinking, "known what?" I was initially thinking that maybe it should read, the way he once had done (which also doesn't sound completely correct now that I think about it), but I get it now. The answer is, "that way". It might just be my own stupidity, but this confused me for a moment. My favorite line here is "In the words that meet the air". It is a much more poetic way of saying "in their speech." However, I wonder if there is a more powerful word than "meets". This line affords the opportunity to use an emotionally packed word or to display some imagery. For example, you could say "in their words that burn (or still, or stain) the air" (I personally wouldn't use burn, I just wanted to give you an idea of what I meant). Also, I like the alternate ending myself. I think the idea of their current existence continuing is more depressing. Good work!

Last edited on Sat Dec 19th, 2020 09:49 pm by Taylorm260



____________________
Disclaimer: I am a beginner! Take any advice from me with a grain of salt because I probably don't know what I'm talking about!
Back To Top


 Posted: Sat Dec 19th, 2020 11:45 pm
  PMQuoteReply
3rd Post
M.P. Dudash
Contributor


Joined: Mon Apr 24th, 2017
Location: Ohio USA
Posts: 1339
Favorite Artist: George Jones, Coe, Twitty, Paycheck, Gosdin, Daryle Singletary
I am a: Other
Status: 
Offline
Thanks for looking Taylor. I’m sure there is room for some change. This is only the second write I’ve had in at least a few months, so I’m happy just to get it out. I’ve only got about an hour invested so I’ll let it sit for a few days and possibly give it another look. Thanks for the suggestions as well. I’ll take them into consideration.



____________________
Takamine GN71CE Sunburst
Marlen Sd-10(Supposedly used on a Byrds recording)
Self teaching in progress
Back To Top 


 Posted: Sun Dec 20th, 2020 01:03 am
  PMQuoteReply
4th Post
JAPOV
Member


Joined: Mon Jul 17th, 2017
Location: Alabama USA
Posts: 702
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Bridge...?

The grass is always greener
But the numbers never lie
When one and one makes three
That's just enough to try...

Good one MPD! Do you have a melody? :)

Last edited on Sun Dec 20th, 2020 01:07 am by JAPOV



____________________
http://www.soundclick.com/JAPOV
Let's write something!!!! :)
Back To Top


 Posted: Sun Dec 20th, 2020 01:56 am
  PMQuoteReply
5th Post
M.P. Dudash
Contributor


Joined: Mon Apr 24th, 2017
Location: Ohio USA
Posts: 1339
Favorite Artist: George Jones, Coe, Twitty, Paycheck, Gosdin, Daryle Singletary
I am a: Other
Status: 
Offline
Thanks Japov. The only melody I have is the one in my head. I was unsure of a bridge for this one. It’s not intended to be about finding another, just the loss of what was. Thanks for the look.



____________________
Takamine GN71CE Sunburst
Marlen Sd-10(Supposedly used on a Byrds recording)
Self teaching in progress
Back To Top 


 Posted: Sun Dec 20th, 2020 01:59 am
  PMQuoteReply
6th Post
JAPOV
Member


Joined: Mon Jul 17th, 2017
Location: Alabama USA
Posts: 702
Favorite Artist: 
I am a: Singer/Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Offline
Yeah', I get that lol... "One and one makes child" ;)



____________________
http://www.soundclick.com/JAPOV
Let's write something!!!! :)
Back To Top


 Posted: Sun Dec 20th, 2020 02:03 am
  PMQuoteReply
7th Post
M.P. Dudash
Contributor


Joined: Mon Apr 24th, 2017
Location: Ohio USA
Posts: 1339
Favorite Artist: George Jones, Coe, Twitty, Paycheck, Gosdin, Daryle Singletary
I am a: Other
Status: 
Offline
Damn, that one went straight over my head. I get it now... I like it more now.



____________________
Takamine GN71CE Sunburst
Marlen Sd-10(Supposedly used on a Byrds recording)
Self teaching in progress
Back To Top 


 Posted: Sun Dec 20th, 2020 05:25 am
  PMQuoteReply
8th Post
RainyDayMan
TSF Administrator


Joined: Thu May 17th, 2007
Location: Stratford, Australia
Posts: 6885
Favorite Artist: James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell
I am a: Songwriter/Musician
Status: 
Online
The concept is solid. "I love you lies" is a great idea and hook. I like the way the chorus develops from she to he to they.

My favorite part is:
They’ll choose comfort till they die
There won’t be a paradise
They tell I love you lies


I can't quite pick the rhythm of it, but I saw you've got a melody for it in your head so I'm sure it all fits.



____________________
https://soundcloud.com/RainyDayMan/tracks
https://www.soundclick.com/bands3/default.cfm?bandID=708281
Back To Top


 Posted: Mon Dec 21st, 2020 11:44 pm
  PMQuoteReply
9th Post
Andrea
Moderator
 

Joined: Tue Nov 27th, 2018
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York USA
Posts: 2018
Favorite Artist: Queen, Tom Petty, Metallica, Kansas, Guns N' Roses
I am a: Songwriter
Status: 
Offline
Hi M.P., I think you have something really good here. It feels like a real depiction of a couple's stagnant relationship.

I agree with T, "He says he does but he don’t" feels awkward when I read it. Is it country lingo? I get the jest, but grammatically it seems odd.

I like both endings, but agree with RDM, the first hits home for me.



____________________
Andrea
Back To Top 


Current time is 10:31 pm

Top



UltraBB 1.172 Copyright © 2007-2016 Data 1 Systems
Page processed in 0.1745 seconds (20% database + 80% PHP). 26 queries executed.