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Innocent Boy
 Moderated by: Troy33, RainyDayMan, HankTheTank
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 Posted: Wed Dec 9th, 2020 03:23 pm
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PerryC
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At the train station guns at my side
hot dessert air blowing tumbleweeds by
Gunfight at high noon several men died
Nobody can out draw me although they tried

6 year old boy laying in the floor
Black and white TV western folklore
Roy Rogers jacket and two silver guns
Dreaming of a Wild West posse run

That was many years ago
Life changed a lot though
innocent boy I remember
You killed last December
in bed with my old friend
innocent boy comes to an end

Walked in on squeaky wooden floors
Secretary shut the Lawyers doors
He looked over his horn rim glasses
Said how bout we just clean their a***s

Innocent boy I remember
That you killed last December
in bed with my best friend
Innocent boy comes to an end
Innocent boy comes to an end

Copyright@PerryMattingly12042020



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 Posted: Wed Dec 9th, 2020 09:20 pm
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RainyDayMan
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You've got a song of two halves here. And maybe that's what you're going for - an abrupt 180 degree change after the second verse.
Different mood, different structure, different style, different boy.

The second half includes a lot of references to things that aren't in the first half: the friend, the lover, lawyers (implying marriage).
And none of these have names or details or context. All abstracted down to the act of betrayal.

It's an interesting lyric. I think I'd have to hear this one to know if it comes off.



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 Posted: Wed Dec 9th, 2020 10:04 pm
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PerryC
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Thanks. You usually have great tips, viewpoints but let me give you a backstory of what that all means. See what you think. First off I'm 67. Saturday mornings found me on the flooring front of a TV watching, Roy Rogers, SkyKing, etc. I was dress in a Cowboy outfit. Red and Black Roy Rogers jacket, cowboy boots, two silver cap guns, and Cowboy hat. Fantasy living in a cowboy world. Then that innocent boy grew up, rather naive, married, and still innocent and sweet. Wife cheated, somewhat killing his innocence. Now the ruthless comes out.

Even if you follow I suppose it will need a rewrite because most people listening aren't as old as me or remember those innocent times.

I respect your viewpoint. Does your viewpoint still stand? A gobbled up mess is what my mind is most days anyway.



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Gibson J-15 - Apple - Shure SM58 - Fishman Loudbox Artist - Focusrite Gen 3 - Cakewalk Sonar 8.5 Producer - Ableton - 1961 Silvertone 1448 - Epiphone PS 352 SR

Love the art - the challenge - the struggle

https://soundcloud.com/perry-mattingly-53964
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 Posted: Wed Dec 9th, 2020 10:16 pm
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RainyDayMan
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If you're writing a song primarily for yourself, then it works as soon as it works for you. It's fine if the context and meaning are in your head.

If you are writing for an external audience, then the meaning and context has to be in the lyric - no explanation needed. It has to stand-alone.

I didn't mean that your lyric was bad. I got the gist of your story from what is already there. But does it work? Does it make a good song? I don't know. It's such a dramatic shift from the start of the song to the end of the song that I can't tell (until it's set to music) whether it's going to feel like two separate songs badly strung together, or whether that shift will intensify the emotion and make clear how much things have changed.

A lyric is only half a song - the music has to integrate with it. All I'm saying is that by itself I can't tell whether this will work or not - I'd have to hear the music.



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 Posted: Wed Dec 9th, 2020 10:30 pm
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PerryC
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Thanks and I understand what you are saying. Maybe I'll take the sentiment and apply it to a wider audience. Innocense destroyed type thing.

Thanks again



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Gibson J-15 - Apple - Shure SM58 - Fishman Loudbox Artist - Focusrite Gen 3 - Cakewalk Sonar 8.5 Producer - Ableton - 1961 Silvertone 1448 - Epiphone PS 352 SR

Love the art - the challenge - the struggle

https://soundcloud.com/perry-mattingly-53964
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